PS - Critique my 1st draft please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

PS - Critique my 1st draft please

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Feb 19, 2014 9:24 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Feb 27, 2014 2:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

HRomanus
Posts: 1307
Joined: Wed Nov 06, 2013 8:45 pm

Re: PS - Critique my 1st draft please

Postby HRomanus » Wed Feb 19, 2014 10:14 pm

I need to say this up front: your writing is incredibly basic. It comes across as if you wrote it in five minutes without any forethought or editing.

From then on I wanted to be an immigration lawyer.


My aspirations do not stop with developing houses...


...I would like to become a real estate lawyer...


Oh man.

You need to erase this entire statement and plan out another one. Develop a common theme or thesis that organizes your statement and its constituent narratives. That theme really shouldn't be about "why law," which is hard to do well even when you aren't wanting to be a real-estate developer and work in two legal fields. Tell me a story that positively reveals who you are as a person. You can even pick one of the incidents you mentioned here - perhaps the work with Habitat for Humanity.

skri65
Posts: 484
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:07 pm

Re: PS - Critique my 1st draft please

Postby skri65 » Thu Feb 20, 2014 8:16 pm

I second what the above post said. This is a very generic personal statement. There is very little substance, and there is a lot of cliche...very little creativity. I am going to highlight the types of sentences that emphasize what I am talking about.

Anonymous User wrote:The first time I knew I wanted to be a lawyer was in the sixth grade.


This is generic.

Anonymous User wrote: From then on I wanted to be an immigration lawyer.


Again, this sentence is generic.

Anonymous User wrote:
Through the nine years, since sixth grade, I kept my friends in mind but I started to look at a broader picture.


...



Anonymous User wrote:In college, I developed a linear regression that calculated high school graduation rates. It turned out that socioeconomic factors contributed the most to high school graduation rates.
This is better because it is specific.




Anonymous User wrote:I would be a good candidate for law school because I am thoughtful.


You should think long and hard about why you shouldn't include this statement in a personal statement.

Anonymous User wrote:As previously shown, I have a tendency to take into consideration the aspirations and needs of others before I make decisions.


Again, think about how this makes you sound. Don't say broad self-flattering statements like this. SHOW it through your accomplishments.

Anonymous User wrote:I believe law school will further help me to dissect arguments and refine my goals. I would like to go to law school to accentuate my talents and fulfill my goals.


This statement says very little about you because these two statements can be attributed to 99% of the rest of their applicants. Everyone wants to go to law school to achieve their goals. Get what I'm saying?

Good luck.

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Gooner91
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Joined: Fri Nov 15, 2013 5:34 pm

Re: PS - Critique my 1st draft please

Postby Gooner91 » Thu Feb 20, 2014 8:28 pm

I do not think that your first sentence is a good start. Others might disagree but I do not think it comes across as thoughtful when you say you decided you would do something when you were 12 years old. It seems as if you are going to law school because you always wanted too and have not really thought out the consequences of doing so. I would not trust a 12 year old to make a life altering decision.

mach9zero
Posts: 123
Joined: Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:02 pm

Re: PS - Critique my 1st draft please

Postby mach9zero » Sun Feb 23, 2014 1:18 am

:o I'm going to be frank, if you didn't write this in ten minutes half asleep and this is at least 80% of the level of quality you produce, you need to take a writing course before even considering attending law school. That's the harsh reality.

I like your enthusiasm for why you want to be a lawyer. I don't think your desire to help others less fortunate is a negative, but your evidence for that written here definitely is. If you've done Habitat for Humanity or CPACS and can write in-depth about your experience, then focus on that. No one actually knows what they want to be in sixth grade, and it seems trite to relate a major decision like law school to a thought you had in sixth grade.

Next, you told me two completely different fields of law you want to do. The program is JD program, and once you're admitted you can decide any which way you'd like to go. Maybe you'll throw this whole helping others thing under the bus and go directly into litigation support for tobacco companies. But as of now, if you're topic is helping others, you need to stress that you're only goal is to help others and make me believe it.

Finally, there are a lot of odd statements written throughout this. "I kept my friends in mind," what does that mean? You're opening paragraph about your "many" peers being illegal immigrants, needs to be erased. And your college research experience really needs to be reworded. " I developed a linear regression that calculated high school graduation rates. It turned out that socioeconomic factors contributed the most to high school graduation rates." duh. This isn't a ground breaking conclusion. "It turned out..." No shit, everyone knows this. Then... "naturally" you created a causation without any further evidence or statistical analysis. Plus, you equate leisure time with education, when those would be counted separately. And Gerrymandering is related to political influence and drawing boundaries for political gain, the term you want is redistricting. And get rid of it unless THAT is the topic of your personal statement (which is shouldn't be).

HRomanus
Posts: 1307
Joined: Wed Nov 06, 2013 8:45 pm

Re: PS - Critique my 1st draft please

Postby HRomanus » Sun Feb 23, 2014 1:48 am

mach9zero wrote:" I developed a linear regression that calculated high school graduation rates. It turned out that socioeconomic factors contributed the most to high school graduation rates." duh. This isn't a ground breaking conclusion. "It turned out..." No shit, everyone knows this. Then... "naturally" you created a causation without any further evidence or statistical analysis. Plus, you equate leisure time with education, when those would be counted separately. And Gerrymandering is related to political influence and drawing boundaries for political gain, the term you want is redistricting. And get rid of it unless THAT is the topic of your personal statement (which is shouldn't be).


I had to laugh when I first read the statement. There are over a million articles on Google Scholar about education and socioeconomic factors, but the OP conducted groundbreaking research so maybe his was the first. I loved that his solution to the problem was making poor people no longer poor - like NSS, but how do you do that? Print money? Wealth redistribution? And how he wanted to make neighborhoods where the projects intermixed with the millionaires. That would seem to exacerbate the issue, as Joe Projects lives in the shadow (and resentment) of J. Hot Shot.

What government does he envision?
What kind of totalitarian role do lawyers play in this scenario?




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