First draft in need of critique! [deleted]

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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First draft in need of critique! [deleted]

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Feb 17, 2014 5:30 pm

Deleted


Thanks for the suggestions
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Feb 17, 2014 6:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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patogordo
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Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:33 am

Re: First draft in need of critique!

Postby patogordo » Mon Feb 17, 2014 5:31 pm

that's not how neurons work

HRomanus
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Joined: Wed Nov 06, 2013 8:45 pm

Re: First draft in need of critique!

Postby HRomanus » Mon Feb 17, 2014 5:49 pm

The first rule of writing is: Eliminate everything that is not essential for your thesis.

The second rule of writing is: Eliminate everything that is not essential for your thesis.

The third rule of writing is: Eliminate everything that is not essential for your thesis.

For example, the first paragraph could be reduced to its last sentence and lose no meaning. The second sentence of the second paragraph is redundant: "The program was international, so I was with people from other nations." While some atmosphere is appropriate, you are writing a dramatic novel here.

I spent much of my life desperately running from indecision and insecurity. Always feeling like an outsider, as if there were some inside joke I wasn’t a part of, I watched my peers with envy. ... In my mind, life was fixed in form, and the alienation between action and outcome led to me adopting a pacifist approach to life—I would simply accept what was given to me.


No, no, no. The more you emphasize this the less a law school is interested in you. Are any of these character traits positive? Will any of them contribute to your success as a lawyer? Be so careful about creating a negative early impression because it will color the rest of the statement. You mention that something in Beijing changed you - but you don't mention what. Also, 99% of the time that storyline comes across as cliche and unrealistic. Moreover, a person's essential character doesn't change this late in life absent something incredible.

I would suggest using a different topic. You have two pages to tell a story that reveals your character and skills. Don't waste any of that paper with flowery rhetoric and don't waste your statement on a cliche storyline.

philipthegreat
Posts: 82
Joined: Fri Jan 10, 2014 8:33 pm

Re: First draft in need of critique!

Postby philipthegreat » Mon Feb 17, 2014 6:07 pm

Yeah I would try to find another angle, even if you still write about China. Did you do anything really truly amazing, or figure out why you wanted to go to law school?

Also you might want to use a different word than "inundated," I'm not sure that's the generally accepted usage.




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