Transfer Personal Statement Help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Transfer Personal Statement Help

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Feb 13, 2014 1:37 pm

Hey guys and gals,

I am working on my personal statement for transfer and I wanted to hear what you guys thought about it. Very rough draft, but feel free to let loose on it. Thanks very much and I appreciate all your comments!

As a child, I remember my parents always educating me on the essence of hard work. My parents, without the opportunity for higher education, struggled to finance my youth and education. However, they reflected that value of hard work in their daily lives, always challenging me to push my boundaries and pursue my dreams. That ideal, hard work, has become somewhat of a mantra today. It is a beacon of inner strength and comfort and I have dared to use that ideal as the foundation for my professional and academic endeavors. While it has not always been comfortable, it has confirmed my belief that an effective work ethic coupled with attainable goals can take me places I once thought unimaginable.
This was certainly the case when I decided to attend a distant, more challenging parochial high school where initially, I was friendless and surrounded by socio-economically and ethnically diverse individuals. From the onset, I was determined to shape my environment. I adapted to the unfamiliarity by pursuing the unprecedented. I forged life-long relationships with instructors and students from diverse backgrounds and participated in varsity sports like ice hockey, and academic clubs such as the Spanish Honor Society. Outside of school, I focused on serving my community and assisting those who were without means any way I could. I volunteered at the Maryland Food Bank for several years, helping to feed some of the most impoverished and homeless Maryland residents. Most memorably, and unquestionably the most impactful experience, I traveled to Jamaica as part of a seven-student service trip. During the trip, I tutored extremely uneducated and impoverished children in several subject matters. Furthermore, I assisted in reconstructing the on-site medical clinic, church, and school all while also serving as a cultural ambassador to the community surrounding the mission. These experiences were imperative to my growth as they not only bettered my work ethic, but also proved that I could succeed no matter the circumstances.
When I arrived at [undergrad], as a first generation college student, I recognized what was necessary to excel and what was at stake in both pleasing my parents who’s persistence and hard work helped get me there and proving to the school that they were right for accepting me. Rather than ease myself into college by taking introductory level classes, I pursued my fields of interest immediately. Constant improvement through my years at [undergrad] was not a result of easing my workload, but rather, intensifying my work ethic through open dialogue with professors, engaged learning in the classroom, and incessant preparation for exams and papers. Coupling my academic endeavors, I pursued an equipment manager position with my school’s Division I football team. On top of the academic requirements, I worked between thirty and forty hours a week managing the daily needs of nearly one hundred and twenty players and dozens of coaches and staff members. I ensured all players had the necessary equipment, from cleats to pads to gloves to mouth guards. On the practice field, I handle the specific duties for the wide receivers, organizing equipment for drills, teaching players certain technique, and, most humorously, guaranteeing the coach had his game day superstitions guaranteed, such as ensuring seven pieces of watermelon flavored gum were stacked and ready for consumption exactly one hour before kickoff.
While attending college was a dream both my parents and I shared, only I could dream that law school was even a remote possibility. However, since beginning just a short semester ago, I have tried to find a niche, among friends and opportunity. With the vast amount of rewarding opportunities for plucking, and the immense academic avenues available for pursuit, my interests have fluctuated. Currently, I am a member of the Iraqi Refugee Assistance Program. As its newest branch, I work with pro bono attorneys in assisting Iraqi and Afghani citizens in their pursuit of finding safer domicile. However, what makes my work special and significant, is assisting those who facilitated U.S. military missions as translators and in other capacities. Additionally, I am currently in the process of participating in the Public International Law and Policy Group’s write-on competition. Here, I hope to engage with fellow members in drafting memoranda and other documents to promote state-building efforts in countries torn by war and destruction. Furthermore, I am also in the process of my school’s law review write-on competition. I hope to write-on to our flagship journal, the [x], and write about matters concerning international law. Also, I am pursuing a Dean’s Fellow opportunity where I would work with future first-year law students in their legal rhetoric and writing course, mentoring them through their difficult first-year and strengthening their legal research, citation, and writing skills. My first year has been a whirlwind of emotion, success, and opportunity. However, I feel unsatisfied and am looking for a new, more challenging environment.
Transferring is an option that I have always had on the backburner since starting law school in the fall. Law school, like no other academic adventure, is an investment. I’ve realized, over the last few months, to best capitalize on that investment, it is necessary to put oneself in the best position for future success. [hopefully new school] is just that place. The tremendous law firm employment statistics are attractive and worth pursuing. That option is not available at my current school and it is something that I desperately am interested in pursuing to better my financial situation. Additionally, a degree from [hopefully new school] carries its weight with the likes of some of the best schools in the United States. That degree will help me to find employment and opportunities long after the days I graduate. My passion for knowledge and thirst for expanding my cultural and academic boundaries has readied me to pursue my next goal as a law student at [hopefully new school].


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Re: Transfer Personal Statement Help

Postby mach9zero » Sat Feb 15, 2014 10:50 pm

Without knowing the exact transfer topic, it's hard to judge... but

1) This feels like more of a 'resume narrative,' as in you gave me a brief overview of your entire educational life, and some generalities about your parents. Nothing about what you said makes you stand out as an applicant. We all could tailor our personal statements to how we were in a group of socio-economic and ethnically diverse students. Pick a specific period of time, not such a broad span where I don't actually get a feel for you specifically.

2) You're last paragraph needs to be rewritten, and you need to change your reasons for wanting to transfer. Simply because they have stronger employment stats isn't a valid reason. If you're really a go-getter like you've said, then you should be excelling at your other school and able to secure employment. Why is the school your applying to any better than similarly ranked schools? Plus, stop being so selfish, what can you offer the school as a transfer? And drop the backburner portion, it could be your current school doesn't meet your expectations, but it is not wise to admit to admissions that you went into law school knowing you were going to transfer.

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