Deleted - Thank you for the feedback.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Deleted - Thank you for the feedback.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Feb 05, 2014 8:18 pm

Deleted.!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

HRomanus
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT : Pleeeeeeaaasse

Postby HRomanus » Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:18 pm

[...]

EDIT: Deleted.
Last edited by HRomanus on Wed Mar 26, 2014 8:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

moralsentiments
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT

Postby moralsentiments » Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:20 pm

I wouldn't submit this. I would read thoroughly through the topics on TLS about PS writing. For the sake of critique, I'll give my impression if you are so interested.

1. There is nothing specific here. You are very general in describing your feelings and repeating numerous times how you have felt out of place. Give a concrete example of a time when you felt out of place that illustrates the self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, perhaps a time when you felt out of place but you recognized that perhaps it was more within you than happening to you.

2. I wouldn't write about feeling out of place. It comes off as whiny. I think most people have had numerous times in their lives where they have felt out of place, and there are a plethora of people who are adopted and have had to deal with the issues that come along with that process. There is nothing within this story that tells the law school who you are and why you're ready for law school (which is essentially what they want to know when they are choosing between you and the next applicant with the same numbers).

3. The first few sentences come off as cheesy (only in my opinion). Using the descriptions the way you do, it feels like your trying to write a murder mystery novel. If you're going to use vivid descriptions, do so more honestly. I'm not accusing you of anything, but it is hard for me to believe (and will likely be for adcomms as well) that you remember the sweat forming on your forehead and your struggle to balance the envelope. It just comes off as being a bit insincere. Plus you never tie it back to the letter you got from your mom while you were away at boarding school.

4. I would recommend talking about a specific time in your life that demonstrates your maturity, responsibility, leadership, ability to work with a team, desire to contribute to your community, etc. Use vivid descriptions of these/this event(s), and tie that to your next step in life (being law school).

I don't mean to be an ass, I hope it doesn't come off that way.

Good luck!!

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TheodoreKGB
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT : Pleeeeeeaaasse

Postby TheodoreKGB » Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:29 pm

.
Last edited by TheodoreKGB on Sun Mar 15, 2015 11:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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jselson
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT : Pleeeeeeaaasse

Postby jselson » Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:31 pm

Stopped reading after the improper use of a semicolon in the first sentence.

NYstate
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT : Pleeeeeeaaasse

Postby NYstate » Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:36 pm

I feel this is too much personal information. Take out all the stuff about your family and your Mom. Don't leave that in a personal statement for a stranger to read. I understand it is a defining moment in your life but you don't have to disclose such intimate life details.

I didn't understand what you were saying about the other immigrants. I agree that focusing in your immigrant experience or one incident might be good.

I don't think you should write about feeling out of place either unless you maybe want to talk about how you overcame it.

Anonymous User
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT : Pleeeeeeaaasse

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:11 pm

HRomanus wrote:This utilizes cliche narratives (outsider, immigrant, self-discovery) that will turn an AdComm off. Plus - does a law school want someone who is an outsider? No. Successful lawyers are not outsiders because successful lawyers (for the most part) need to attract clients. You are also incredibly abstract; always focus on showing your narrative through actions.


Understood - I was hoping that my conclusion showing that I managed to work through the feeling of feeling like an outsider would counter the negative of being viewed as "weak" but I guess the mention of it could very well count against me. thanks for the feedback.!

Anonymous User
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT : Pleeeeeeaaasse

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:11 pm

jselson wrote:Stopped reading after the improper use of a semicolon in the first sentence.


Welp :(

Anonymous User
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:20 pm

moralsentiments wrote:I wouldn't submit this. I would read thoroughly through the topics on TLS about PS writing. For the sake of critique, I'll give my impression if you are so interested.

1. There is nothing specific here. You are very general in describing your feelings and repeating numerous times how you have felt out of place. Give a concrete example of a time when you felt out of place that illustrates the self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, perhaps a time when you felt out of place but you recognized that perhaps it was more within you than happening to you.

2. I wouldn't write about feeling out of place. It comes off as whiny. I think most people have had numerous times in their lives where they have felt out of place, and there are a plethora of people who are adopted and have had to deal with the issues that come along with that process. There is nothing within this story that tells the law school who you are and why you're ready for law school (which is essentially what they want to know when they are choosing between you and the next applicant with the same numbers).

3. The first few sentences come off as cheesy (only in my opinion). Using the descriptions the way you do, it feels like your trying to write a murder mystery novel. If you're going to use vivid descriptions, do so more honestly. I'm not accusing you of anything, but it is hard for me to believe (and will likely be for adcomms as well) that you remember the sweat forming on your forehead and your struggle to balance the envelope. It just comes off as being a bit insincere. Plus you never tie it back to the letter you got from your mom while you were away at boarding school.

4. I would recommend talking about a specific time in your life that demonstrates your maturity, responsibility, leadership, ability to work with a team, desire to contribute to your community, etc. Use vivid descriptions of these/this event(s), and tie that to your next step in life (being law school).

I don't mean to be an ass, I hope it doesn't come off that way.

Good luck!!


1. If I stick with the same story line I will definitely take this into account. Great point about taking a specific situations and showing what I’m saying.
2. Understood.
3. I’ve been critiqued about this before. Dramatic writing for something that is totally not dramatic at all. You'ld think I'ld learn or take a hint lols
4. I’ll definitely take your advice on this.
I REALLY appreciate your feedback and it didn’t come of as being douchey at all. You were Right on with the critique. Thanks again.!!!

Anonymous User
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Re: PLEASE TEAR THIS APART - SUBMITTING TONIGHT : Pleeeeeeaaasse

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:24 pm

NYstate wrote:I feel this is too much personal information. Take out all the stuff about your family and your Mom. Don't leave that in a personal statement for a stranger to read. I understand it is a defining moment in your life but you don't have to disclose such intimate life details.


Understood.

I didn't understand what you were saying about the other immigrants. I agree that focusing in your immigrant experience or one incident might be good.


I was thinking about going for this angle but I thought that the immigrant story was a bit cliche-ic & overplayed? that's why I wanted to steer clear of that topic but I might re-consider.

I don't think you should write about feeling out of place either unless you maybe want to talk about how you overcame it.

Maybe a story to illustrate how I overcame it? Sounds like that might be a good plan.

Thank you for taking the time out to read this AND then critique it. Very much appreciated.




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