DELETED.!!! - under construction. re-write.!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
gamz6joy
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Jan 29, 2014 12:38 pm

DELETED.!!! - under construction. re-write.!

Postby gamz6joy » Mon Feb 03, 2014 12:16 pm

UNDER CONSTRUCTION - REWRITING.!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the feedback thus far.!
Last edited by gamz6joy on Tue Feb 04, 2014 8:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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dnptan
Posts: 354
Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:33 pm

Re: Personal Statement Review - Any pointers appreciated.!!!

Postby dnptan » Mon Feb 03, 2014 12:35 pm

Hi,

I honestly don't understand the anecdote. What were you signing? Also, the immigrant angle is pretty standard - you may want to go with something more personal. Why not talk more in depth about the experience of acclimating to American culture SPECIFICALLY from Zimbabwean (sp?) roots? The insertion of law here and there is very distracting and lacks focus.

Hope this helps.

gamz6joy
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Jan 29, 2014 12:38 pm

Re: Personal Statement Review - Any pointers appreciated.!!!

Postby gamz6joy » Mon Feb 03, 2014 12:53 pm

I honestly don't understand the anecdote. What were you signing?


I was signing the lease for the new place we were moving into.

Also, the immigrant angle is pretty standard - you may want to go with something more personal.


I did consider this, that's why I mentioned that my assimilation into the American culture was not that much more different from other immigrants. Mine differed in how I viewed the differences by looking at HOW the Law was different. Maybe I need to focus on that angle more? Provide more examples?

Why not talk more in depth about the experience of acclimating to American culture SPECIFICALLY from Zimbabwean (sp?) roots?


I think I'll do this. Have the PS more focused.

Thank you for the feedback. Much appreciated.!!!

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papercut
Posts: 1445
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2012 6:48 pm

Re: Personal Statement Review - Any pointers appreciated.!!!

Postby papercut » Mon Feb 03, 2014 1:05 pm

Your writing is actually not bad, except for this bit where you turned into Yoda for some reason:

move it would not.


Haha

You do need to work on making the relevant details of your story a bit clearer though.

The topic isn't good. You're writing in a very dramatic way about something very ordinary. At the start, I thought you were semi-conscious and in the middle of a terrible injury. Turns out you signed a lease?

Don't lecture admissions people on what the law is, where it comes from, nor what it's good for in your PS. Your PS doesn't have to be about the law, or law school at all. It's just a chance for the admissions committee to get to know you beyond your numbers. If you strain to justify your reasons for going to law school they will think that you're kinda phony.

Tell a different story.

gamz6joy
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Jan 29, 2014 12:38 pm

Re: Personal Statement Review - Any pointers appreciated.!!!

Postby gamz6joy » Tue Feb 04, 2014 1:59 pm

papercut wrote:Your writing is actually not bad,
Thanks :D
except for this bit where you turned into Yoda for some reason:
move it would not.


Haha - Yoda comment made me chuckle but understood.

The topic isn't good. You're writing in a very dramatic way about something very ordinary. At the start, I thought you were semi-conscious and in the middle of a terrible injury. Turns out you signed a lease?


I was trying to catch their attention! But I understand, it's a bit much for something that's not dramatic at all.

Don't lecture admissions people on what the law is, where it comes from, nor what it's good for in your PS. Your PS doesn't have to be about the law, or law school at all. It's just a chance for the admissions committee to get to know you beyond your numbers. If you strain to justify your reasons for going to law school they will think that you're kinda phony.


I was TRYING to stay away from doing a "why law PS" but I think it ended up that way anyway. Will work on that.

Tell a different story.


I might have to do this. The immigrant angle is too bleh and played out in my opinion so I don't want to do that. I'll have to revisit this & get back to the drawing board but thank you for your input.

Much appreciated..!!!!

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jselson
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Re: Personal Statement Review - Any pointers appreciated.!!!

Postby jselson » Tue Feb 04, 2014 7:53 pm

1) Don't tell lawyers what the "basis" of the law is. Morality plays a part in American law. A big part. For example, don't kill unless justified. Maybe you're saying something about legal positivism? But that's just a theory, not a fact. Dworkin would disagree. Don't bring it up.

2) I like gay people, too. I have never stood in awe of them for simply being gay.

gamz6joy
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Jan 29, 2014 12:38 pm

Re: Personal Statement Review - Any pointers appreciated.!!!

Postby gamz6joy » Tue Feb 04, 2014 8:54 pm

1) Don't tell lawyers what the "basis" of the law is. Morality plays a part in American law. A big part. For example, don't kill unless justified. Maybe you're saying something about legal positivism? But that's just a theory, not a fact. Dworkin would disagree. Don't bring it up.


Morality in the sense that "it's wrong to do this because it's immoral therefore we shall make a law against said activity" - Maybe I needed to frame that better.

2) I like gay people, too. I have never stood in awe of them for simply being gay.


Back in my home country being gay is unheard of. You get killed for that.! So coming here meeting openly gay people was new to me - hence the shocker but maybe if I had made this evident enough you would know too.

I'm re-writing this.

Thank you for the honest critique.!!!




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