First Draft. Please comment

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Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

First Draft. Please comment

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Feb 02, 2014 12:57 pm

Here is my personal statement. Any comment is welcomed. Thanks in advance!

Two major factors have contributed to my decision to study law. Thanks to my grandad, who tried to pass on to me the moral doctrines embedded in traditional Chinese culture when I was very young, I started to develope an intuitive concern for moral issues at an early age. As I got to study moral philosophy in university, I acquired a more sophisticated understanding of the concept of justice and a strong motivation to promote it. Because practicing law is one of the best way to satisfy this motive, studying law has naturally captured a great deal of my interest.

Also, as an international student, I observe how an efficient system of laws can enormously help facilitate the interaction in many fields between the people and institutions across countries. By building up expertise in the U.S. legal system and legal codes, I hope that I can utilise my knowledge to deliver opportunities across the national borders. In particular, I wish disadvantaged people could get a fair chance in business under the comparatively full-fledged U.S. legal system with my help.

Besides sincere motivations, I also manage to obtain skills that are particularly relevant to the study of law. Through the study of philosophy, formal logics in particular, I have learnt to perceive arguments structurally and critically. Also, I have managed to upgrade the level of comprehension that I can make out of the often extremely dense and abstract philosophy literatures. Furthermore, the economics, politics courses at LSE have placed a high demand on my ability to examine a variety of data, models and facts that contained in the arguments. I believe the analytic skills obtained will also be applicable to the study of law.

To my understanding, soft skills are no less important than academic capacities, in determining my success at a law school and in the legal career thereafter. The experience of leading the LSE basketball team and the Chinese New Year show team at LSE has given me some precious lessons in this regard. I learnt to take the responsibilities, especially when things go wrong; I strived to inspire others by subjecting myself to the highest working standard; gradually I also gathered more confidence and determination in proposing and delivering my initiatives. Meanwhile, personally, no experience is more emotionally arousing than my involvement in the various sports teams. The wholehearted feeling of trust between my teammates and me that was built upon the sweat and pains experienced together is the most unforgettable experience in my university life.

As much as I am eager to capture the most benefits out of the legal education, I will also not hesitate to share my unique experience so as to enrich the cultural dimensions of the law community at xxx Law School. Being born and raised in China and having subsequently completed my higher education in the U.K., I have acquired a subtle understanding of the two categorically distinctive cultures. I look forward to sharing my comparative perspectives about the differences in customs, cuisine culture, sports culture and so on. In the same way, I hope my thoughts about the economic and political circumstances in China, the U.K. and the E.U., which I actually get to experience and reflect on, could substantiate the awareness of thc class on these dimensions.

To sum up, I sincerely hope that my motivations, skillset and experience could offer convincing proof for my potential to succeed at xxx Law School. I genuinely look forward to spending the next three splendid years collaborating with the faculty staff and fellow students at xxx, who, diverse as they are in their backgrounds and specialties, share the same degree of curiosity towards the study of law and the same degree of passion for serving the interests of the society with their knowledge of it.

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papercut
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Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2012 6:48 pm

Re: First Draft. Please comment

Postby papercut » Sun Feb 02, 2014 7:34 pm

Writing a "Why I Want To Study Law" PS is extremely hard. It works if you've worked as a paralegal for a few years. It seems like you're a K-JD, so it's not going to be your best bet.

I started to develope an intuitive concern for moral issues at an early age.


This is also know as not being born a psychopath. Congrats!

I also manage to obtain skills that are particularly relevant to the study of law. Through the study of philosophy, formal logics in particular, I have learnt to perceive arguments structurally and critically.


They have your LSAT score. You simply saying that you're smart doesn't do anything for the admissions committee.

I know there is more than one system of formal logic, but "formal logics" sounds bad.

To my understanding, soft skills are no less important than academic capacities, in determining my success at a law school and in the legal career thereafter.


You're missing the point of a PS. You're supposed to tell a story that can't be seen in your transcripts or your resume. You're just putting your resume and transcript into prose.

You don't ever need to say something like, "To my understanding." You're writing the PS, it's all your understanding.


To sum up, I sincerely hope that my motivations, skillset and experience could offer convincing proof for my potential to succeed at xxx Law School.


Don't ever write something like, "To sum up." It's beneath high school writing.

Skill set is two words.

You touted your formal logic skills earlier in the PS, but here you seem confused about what a proof is. In any event you shouldn't be trying to write proofs.

Inserting the name of the law school into a generic PS is a terrible idea. It's transparent, and will be looked down on.

Finally, you should use the more common "learned," instead of learnt. Learnt sounds bad to American ears, and it's much less common. See here.http://Error.com/l3dybz9

Scrap this PS.

Have a look at some of the better PS examples in this forum before you take another dip.

Rt887
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2013 3:42 pm

Re: First Draft. Please comment

Postby Rt887 » Mon Feb 03, 2014 4:46 am

Pretty much agree with the poster above me. This just feels like a summary of too many disparate, cold facts that are supposed to quite explicitly direct me to the conclusion that you are a good candidate. To be honest, I was not very convinced, not to mention that this is not what a PERSONAL statement is supposed to do. What I would do is focus on an experience(s), or something meaningful to you and use that to guide the reader to the conclusion you seek. In other words, have something tangible and substantive to back up your assertions and hone your focus; do not try to talk about why you're unique, why you would be a good lawyer, who influenced you (that question appears on many applications anyways) etc all at once. The result is that you are losing your focus and your "sincere motivations," or your "ability to I observe how an efficient system of laws can enormously help facilitate the interaction in many fields between the people and institutions across countries," seem insincere and baseless. Finally, and this may just be because it is a first draft, grammar and flow are a pretty big issue here. Just as one example, your entire last paragraph is one sentence. If you need any help with the editing feel more than free to send me your next draft. Best of luck!!




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