Need Feedback on my personal statement please[Deleted] Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hi! Please help me with some criticism, I really need it. Thanks! I also want to know if I should include a diversity statement or if it would be too much.

I appreciate all of your help in advance.


[Deleted]

[papercut]

Your writing isn't too bad. You'll definitely need to fix things up, but I think you're not writing the PS you should be writing.

In a PS you have to brag about yourself, but you have to do it with tact. To pull this off, you should tell a story.

It seems like you have the background for an interesting story or two. Maybe tell us about a particular day running the restaurant? The events can be small, even everyday. But your story should let us get to know you as a person without having to hear any positive adjectives explicitly. You want your reader to infer your good characteristics from your story.

Give it another go.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you for the feedback! Yes I can totally see how I am just listing off adjectives instead of using anecdotes. Do you suggest I scrap the entire statement and write about one or two stories? Or should I remove a lot of the adjective listing and insert a story into this one?

Sorry I was going to reference the parts of where I would insert a story, but I am running late to work so I will once I get home. Thanks again for your help!

[papercut]

I think you should start over.

[Anonymous User]

I think you should start over.

Thanks I will work on it!