Need Feedback on my personal statement please[Deleted]

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Need Feedback on my personal statement please[Deleted]

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 30, 2014 11:29 pm

Hi! Please help me with some criticism, I really need it. Thanks! I also want to know if I should include a diversity statement or if it would be too much.

I appreciate all of your help in advance.


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Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Feb 01, 2014 7:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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papercut
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Re: Need Feedback on my personal statement please

Postby papercut » Fri Jan 31, 2014 7:21 am

Your writing isn't too bad. You'll definitely need to fix things up, but I think you're not writing the PS you should be writing.

In a PS you have to brag about yourself, but you have to do it with tact. To pull this off, you should tell a story.

It seems like you have the background for an interesting story or two. Maybe tell us about a particular day running the restaurant? The events can be small, even everyday. But your story should let us get to know you as a person without having to hear any positive adjectives explicitly. You want your reader to infer your good characteristics from your story.

Give it another go.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Need Feedback on my personal statement please

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Jan 31, 2014 8:53 am

Thank you for the feedback! Yes I can totally see how I am just listing off adjectives instead of using anecdotes. Do you suggest I scrap the entire statement and write about one or two stories? Or should I remove a lot of the adjective listing and insert a story into this one?

Sorry I was going to reference the parts of where I would insert a story, but I am running late to work so I will once I get home. Thanks again for your help!

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papercut
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Re: Need Feedback on my personal statement please

Postby papercut » Sat Feb 01, 2014 9:59 am

I think you should start over.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Need Feedback on my personal statement please

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Feb 01, 2014 7:02 pm

papercut wrote:I think you should start over.


Thanks I will work on it!




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