Rough First Draft - please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
act
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 6:41 pm

Rough First Draft - please critique

Postby act » Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:36 pm

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Last edited by act on Tue Jan 28, 2014 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lawschool2014hopeful
Posts: 554
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:48 pm

Re: Rough First Draft - please critique

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Tue Jan 28, 2014 8:12 pm

2/10

Your sentences are long and weird.

The stories and conversation you have written feels forced

There is no natural connection between your first paragraph and the second

It seems like you wanted to tell a story of fighting the internal struggle of your identity or against being judged by others, but you somehow thought that having a the typical TFA bit in there would help, it doesnt, it makes your story lack purpose and coherence.

You havent given any reason why you want to work for under-privileged.

Id start with the ideas I want to communicate in the statement and start from scratch (I suppose one could keep the ideas said in the first paragraph)

act
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 6:41 pm

Re: Rough First Draft - please critique

Postby act » Tue Jan 28, 2014 8:17 pm

jimmierock wrote:2/10

Your sentences are long and weird.

The stories and conversation you have written feels forced

There is no natural connection between your first paragraph and the second

It seems like you wanted to tell a story of fighting the internal struggle of your identity or against being judged by others, but you somehow thought that having a the typical TFA bit in there would help, it doesnt, it makes your story lack purpose and coherence.

You havent given any reason why you want to work for under-privileged.

Id start with the ideas I want to communicate in the statement and start from scratch (I suppose one could keep the ideas said in the first paragraph)


Thanks for the honest feedback. I've been letting the pressure to get just about anything on paper get to me and it's been resulting in crap :/




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