Please give your valuable inputs. This is a first draft.

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Marcus05
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:42 am

Please give your valuable inputs. This is a first draft.

Postby Marcus05 » Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:47 am

I saw it coming and it was terrifying. The swell lifted us 8-9 feet in the air before bringing us down again. I saw the same thing happen to the other boats around us. We were 5 of us in a 21 footer sail boat belonging to the class ‘Seabird’. All of us, the fellow sailors of sailing clubs around Mumbai were on our way to Khanderi, an island off the western coast of the Indian sea shore. I had sailed in rough weather before but it was nothing compared to this. There was a lot of water splashing in the boat. Bailing it out made me dizzy. The choppy sea made everybody in the boat seasick and we could frequently go the side of the boat to throw up. The splashing of cold, salty water against my bare leg made the skin sore, black and red. Despite this, we did have our moments of fun though. A school of porpoises swam for a while along with us. Watching them in the open sea was an amazing experience. However, it was short lived. We broke our rudder just a few kilometres away from the shore where we were to land ourselves. We did not have the mobile network, the sun was about to set and we were not prepared to stay the whole night in the boat. Fortunately, our friends on the shore could sense that something was wrong and came to our rescue.

Sailing taught me a number of things. It taught me that no matter how bad the going got, I always had the power to control the process if not the outcome. Sailing helped me curb my overtly anxious behaviour. I learned to live and to take it as it comes instead of dreading the future all the times. It taught me that you can have fun while being alert, working and busy. It transferred me from a person dogging responsibility, conscious speaker of English and shy person to a responsible, fluent and a friendly being. Of course this did not happen overnight. It took several years and conscious effort to give effect to the metamorphosis.

I still remember my first day in the sailing training session. I had been to the club in my ankle length tight fitting salwar and blue kurta with matching sandals. I had no idea that I had to wear sport shoes, shorts or at least trousers that would roll up when we would land at Mandwa where we were to stay overnight. I blushed with embarrassment caused by the feeling of ignorance. My training coordinator thought that was the last time he would see me. He was wrong. Not only did I go again, I sailed most of the races, cruises and casually too for more than ten years. This is a lot unusual in India. For one, there is only one sport which exists in India – Cricket. Second, we do not have the culture of playing the game not even as close as cheering the sportsmen. The only active participation of sports lovers is to watch all the action with friends and family at home or some local club.

I pursued the sport thanks to my mom. She used to scold us for watching the match on the T.V and instead insisted that we play it outside. This ensured that we played a lot games and were not glued to T.V or video games. My mother is a truly wonderful person. It has not been always that I have felt this way about her. As a child, I wished my mother dressed stylishly, speak fleunt English and appear a little more intelligent. However, without so much as saying in these many words my mother taught me that the afore mentioned list is so shallow. Those are not what helps to win a person’s heart. People like and respect your genuineness. Emulating her has helped me to befriend the daughter of a poor tea seller, daughter of a Vice President of a blue chip company and a trustee of an educational institution. I do not worry about my short comings and do not look at the material worth of the other person. I see through that, and look and talk with the person within.

My father is the first generation educated, self made man. I vividly remember my dad’s brow knit as he peered over my 5th grade report card. He was perplexed about my marks as to why my grades were so low. He asked me what I was going to do to improve my grades. The best I could think was to take a private tutor’s service. However, he resisted this idea and I never saw one throughout my school life. He was convinced that I was smart enough to get good marks. He gave me the magic potion of faith and self belief. My belief in my capabilities grew so strong that it remained intact no matter how trying the situation or helpless the going seemed to be. His restoration of my belief helped me to attain two bachelor’s degrees, get a job after a rigorous interview and live my life to the fullest extent possible.
The idea to go to US first sprang to my mind when my elder brother got a scholarship to study in USA. However it remained latent till the time I co founded my company. As the company dealt with the diagnostic tools for diabetes, I did a lot of research. However, I did not find much help, neither online nor at the Indian Schools (law or medical). In contrast with this, the US Schools website gave the links to thought provoking and informative materials / articles of professors with a wide experience in the chosen field.

I am applying to XYZ Law School to pursue an LLM with special focus on heath and related laws. I strongly believe that studying law under the guidance of Professor X will equip me with the understanding of the health care system and the legal, policy, economic and ethical issues surrounding it. In India the studies in health law, care and policy are still in nascent stage so it is imperative to pursue further studies abroad so as to broaden my horizon and enlarge my scope of knowledge and experience I believe that I can attain my goals through your program and my focus and capabilities. My work experience, academic background, and personal effort make me an ideal candidate for your law school. I am prepared to accept the responsibility and work hard. I am honoured to be considered for admission to the XYZ Law School.

After LLM, I intend to do the J S D, the doctoral studies from a US Law School as I am interested in pursuing a teaching career.
Last edited by Marcus05 on Mon Jan 27, 2014 1:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

theonyxhotel143
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 1:45 am

Re: Please give your valuable inputs. its first draft.

Postby theonyxhotel143 » Sun Jan 26, 2014 1:28 am

Comments:
First of all, I must commend you. This is a very good essay, both substantively and grammatically. Your command of the english language is exceptional. Honestly, I've worked with many LLM students at a top US law school and your English skills are far beyond anything I've seen. I've made some alterations to your writing just to try to clarify and improve the flow of the piece; but don't be discouraged by my comments and changes because what you wrote is really very good.

Your introduction is fantastic. It is very interesting and grabs your attention. Great option. I also like how you tie it in to the rest of your statement creating a common theme. The substance is great. I also think you make a really good argument about why you want to study in America. Overall, this is very good.

Here are some basic tips to remember when editing:
1. Always spell single-digit whole numbers
2. Focus on using active rather than passive voice
3. Use two spaces between each sentence.
4. Try to avoid superfluous words and be as concise as possible (I crossed out extra words throughout the essay as an example)
5. Put a comma before "where" or "which" when it is at the beginning of a clause to clarify the pervious part of the sentence.
6. Although technically optional, you should use the oxford (serial) comma
7. Avoid using "comma splice" sentences

I pasted the edited essay below. I crossed out words/phrases that can be removed. I tried to bold all the changes/additions so you can see what I did. Also my comments/questions are in blue.

____________________________________________
I saw it coming and it was terrifying. The swell lifted us nearly nine feet in the air before bringing us down again. I saw the same thing happen to the other boats around us. [If you want to keep that sentence, I would incorporate it with the first sentence in order to create the sense of impending doom] We were 5 There were five of us in a "Seabird" class, 21-footer sail boat belonging to the class ‘Seabird’. All of us, the fellow sailors of sailing clubs around Mumbai [who is the us? Just your group on the boat or the other boats as well?] were on our way to Khanderi, an island off the western coast of the Indian sea shore. I had sailed in rough weather before, but it was nothing compared to this. There was a lot of water splashing in the boat. Bailing it out made me dizzy. [Try to make the previous two sentences more vivid. They are just facts; use imagery to make the reader feel like they are on the boat getting dizzy themselves. For example "The water poured into the boat..."] The choppy sea made everybody in the boat seasick and we could frequently went over to the side of the boat to throw up. The splashing of cold, salty water against my bare leg made my skin sore, black and red. Despite this, we did have our moments of fun though. A school of porpoises swam along with us for a while; watching them in the open sea was an amazing experience. However, it was short lived because we broke our rudder just a few kilometres away from the shore where we were to land ourselves. We did not have the mobile network, the sun was about to set, and we were not prepared to stay the whole night in the boat. Fortunately, our friends on the shore could sense that something was wrong and came to our rescue.

Sailing taught me a number of things. It taught me that no matter how bad the going got, I always had the power to control the process if not the outcome. Sailing helped me curb my overtly anxious behaviour. I learned to live and to take it as it comes instead of dreading the future all the times. It taught me that you can have fun while being busy, alert, and working hard. I transformed from a person who was shy, dodged responsibility, was a conscious speaker of English [what is this supposed to mean? self-conscious maybe?], and shy person to a friendly, responsible, and fluent and a friendly being. Of course, this did not happen overnight; it took several years and conscious effort to give effect to the metamorphosis.

I still remember my first day in the sailing training session. I had been to the was at the club in my ankle-length, tight-fitting salwar and blue kurta with matching sandals. I had no idea that I had to wear sport shoes, shorts or at least trousers that would roll up when we would land at Mandwa, where we were to stay overnight. I blushed with embarrassment caused by the feeling of ignorance. My training coordinator thought that was the last time he would see me. He was wrong. Not only did I go again, but I sailed most of the races and cruises and casually too for more than ten years. This is very unusual in India. For one, there is only one sport that exists in India--Cricket. Second, we do not have the culture of playing the game not even as close as cheering for the sportsmen. The only active participation of sports lovers is to watch all the action with friends and family at home or some local club.

I pursued the sport thanks to my mom. She used to scold us [who is the us? Say either "me" or "my brothers (or whoever else the 'us' is) and me"] for watching the match [what type of match? Cricket?] on the T.V and instead insisted that we play it outside. This ensured that we played a lot games and were not glued to T.V or video games. My mother is a truly wonderful person. It has not been always that I have But, I have not always felt this way about her. As a child, I wished my mother dressed stylishly, spoke fleunt English and appeared a littlemore intelligent. However, without so much as saying in these many words, my mother taught me that the aforementioned list is so shallow. Those things are not what helps to win a person’s heart. People like and respect your genuineness. Emulating her has helped me to befriend people from all walks of life, from the daughter of a poor tea seller to the daughter of a Vice President of a blue chip company and a trustee of an educational institution. I do not worry about my own shortcomings, and I do not look at the material worth of the other person. I see through that, and instead look at and talk with the person within.

My father is a first generation educated, self made man. I vividly remember my dad’s brow knit as he peered over my 5th grade report card. He was perplexed about my marks as to why my grades were so low. He asked me what I was going to do to improve them. The best I could think was to take a private tutor’s service. However, he resisted this idea, and I never saw one throughout my schooling. He was convinced that I was smart enough to get good marks, and gave me the magic potion of faith and self-belief. My confidence in my capabilities grew so strong that it remained intact no matter how trying the situation or helpless the going seemed to be. His restoration of my belief helped me to live my life to the fullest extent possible by attaining two bachelor’s degrees and get a job after a rigorous interview live my life to the fullest extent possible.

The idea to go to the United States first sprang to my mind when my elder brother received a scholarship to study in the US. However, it remained latent till the time I co-founded my company. As the company dealt with the diagnostic tools for diabetes, I did a lot of research. However, I did not find much help, neither online nor at the Indian schools (law or medical). In contrast with this, I found the US school's websites gave the links to thought provoking and informative materials and articles of professors with a wide experience in the chosen field.

I am applying to XYZ Law School to pursue an LLM with special focus on heath and related laws. I strongly believe that studying law under the guidance of Professor X will equip me with the understanding of the health care system and the legal, policy, economic and ethical issues surrounding it. In India the studies in health law, care and policy are still in nascent stage, so it is imperative to pursue further studies abroad so as to broaden my horizon and enlarge my scope of knowledge and experience. I believe with focus and my capabilities that I can attain my goals through your program. My work experience, academic background, and personal effort make me an ideal candidate for your law school. I am prepared to accept the responsibility and work hard. I am honoured to be considered for admission to the XYZ Law School.

After LLM, I intend to pursue a J.S.D., as I am interested in a teaching career. [maybe specify what you want to teach and maybe where as well.]

____________________________________________
Again, you really did a great job with this! I wish you the best of luck with your applications!

Marcus05
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:42 am

Re: Please give your valuable inputs. its first draft.

Postby Marcus05 » Mon Jan 27, 2014 8:39 pm

Dear theonyxhotel143,

You are very kind indeed. I was dreadful to receive the feedback. However, you made my day!

You have not only helped me with my SOP but you have also made me realize that I too should be helpful to someone. So thank you for both.

I appreciate your detailed observations and encouraging tone throughout your post. You seem to be a nice person.

Thanks again and I too wish you all the best in your life.
Last edited by Marcus05 on Thu Feb 06, 2014 9:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Marcus05
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:42 am

Re: Please give your valuable inputs. its first draft.

Postby Marcus05 » Wed Jan 29, 2014 12:38 pm

I request earnestly. Please give me your insightful comment on my SOP.
All the best! :P




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