Very Rough Draft. Please Rip Apart. Thanks.

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Anonymous User
Posts: 273145
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Very Rough Draft. Please Rip Apart. Thanks.

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 23, 2014 4:52 pm

I can hear the raindrops on my bedroom window as I try to sleep. The bright light coming in the window is hard to ignore, but as a six-year-old it provided me with the chance to make a game out of identifying the different animal shapes that appear in the water on the window. My mother seems to have no problem sleeping in the bed next to me as we share the room. In our case the room for the night happens to be a 90’s model Ford Escort. It surely wasn’t as spacious as the apartment we were evicted from the week prior, but we made due. The memories of the nights spent in the back of the McDonald’s parking lot on Middle Ridge Road in Lorain remain as vivid as if they happened last week. That was my first taste of how devastating a layoff can be to a single parent. Thankfully we were eventually able to move into my Aunt’s home and eventually our own apartment. The only two constants growing up were moving and my mother working long hours in fast-food restaurants trying to provide for us. Waiting in long lines at the welfare office and attending ACES (a non-profit organization that assist single mothers with the legal process of obtaining child support) meetings were regular events. These experiences helped me come to the realization very early on that society is not equal for all and law was one of the best ways to change this situation. I would routinely tell my mother I was going to become a lawyer and “make things better for families like us.” I wasn’t even 10 yet when this realization hit me. I didn’t have any clue what lawyers did, but somehow knew law was the answer. My dream of being a Lawyer is as alive today as it was then.
The cycle of my mother holding different low paying jobs and moving from home to home continued throughout high school. I thought attending college immediately after high school was a chance to find the structure and consistency that I desperately needed. I quickly realized (after being placed on academic probation at the conclusion of my first semester of college) that I wasn’t mature enough and needed time to mature and create stability in my life if I was going to break the cycle of little education and poverty that persists throughout my family. I took a break from school and began working at Progressive Insurance less than one month after my disastrous start to college. Within two years I matured greatly and purchased my own home at 20. I returned to college a few years after and have performed extremely well.
I am one of 3 people in my immediate family to graduate high school and in May will become the first to graduate college. I am honored to be the new standard bearer for education in my family and have mentored younger family members to the point where academic success is becoming the norm. Attending law school will not only allow me to achieve a lifelong goal, but also set the tone for future generations in my family. My life experiences have provided a solid foundation that will both help me achieve success in law school and add to the diversity of your student body.

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guano
Posts: 2268
Joined: Mon Feb 18, 2013 9:49 am

Re: Very Rough Draft. Please Rip Apart. Thanks.

Postby guano » Thu Jan 23, 2014 4:55 pm

Who gives a shit about raindrops?

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dnptan
Posts: 354
Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:33 pm

Re: Very Rough Draft. Please Rip Apart. Thanks.

Postby dnptan » Fri Jan 24, 2014 1:55 am

It's quite scattered. The first two sentences alone imply that you are a six year old (tenses, my friend). It doesn't feel compelling enough a reason to go to law school.

Congrats on graduating though. I'm sure there's a PS in there somewhere, just maybe not one spanning 20 years in an erratic fashion. Best of luck!

IrishCatholic09
Posts: 25
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:23 pm

Re: Very Rough Draft. Please Rip Apart. Thanks.

Postby IrishCatholic09 » Fri Jan 24, 2014 2:21 am

As of right now, unless this was just an oversight on your part, you don't seem to be a registered user on TLS so it's a little more difficult to assist you in the matter. That said, you seem like a decent person who likely hasn't had a ton of direction when it comes to the application process, or when it comes to developing your writing skills over the years. From what I can tell you have a good story to tell, but aren't completely sure on how to tell it.

As a Cleveland native myself (I'm pretty sure you're talking about Lorain on the west side) and someone who writes daily for my job I'd be happy to give you a few pointers and guidance here. If you'd like that, register for a TLS account and PM me here. I'll give you my email address and we can walk through some suggestions over the weekend on how you can hone your message and try to craft the right personal statement for you. I won't directly write any of it for you, but I'll take a little time to make suggestions and then review it again after you make the edits if you would like.

rstahl
Posts: 91
Joined: Sat Sep 07, 2013 9:15 pm

Re: Very Rough Draft. Please Rip Apart. Thanks.

Postby rstahl » Tue Jan 28, 2014 4:43 pm

Anonymous User wrote:I can hear the raindrops on my bedroom window as I try to sleep. The bright light coming in the window is hard to ignore, but as a six-year-old it provided me with the chance to make a game out of identifying the different animal shapes that appear in the water on the window. My mother seems to have no problem sleeping in the bed next to me as we share the room. In our case the room for the night happens to be a 90’s model Ford Escort. It surely wasn’t as spacious as the apartment we were evicted from the week prior, but we made due. I don't have time to read through it all (end of lunch break!), but all those sentences, while important to you I'm sure, are filler/preamble in the story you are trying to tell. The memories of the nights spent in the back of the McDonald’s parking lot on Middle Ridge Road in Lorain remain as vivid as if they happened last week. That was my first taste of how devastating a layoff can be to a single parent. Thankfully we were eventually able to move into my Aunt’s home and eventually our own apartment. The only two constants growing up were moving and my mother working long hours in fast-food restaurants trying to provide for us. Waiting in long lines at the welfare office and attending ACES (a non-profit organization that assist single mothers with the legal process of obtaining child support) meetings were regular events. These experiences helped me come to the realization very early on that society is not equal for all and law was one of the best ways to change this situation. I would routinely tell my mother I was going to become a lawyer and “make things better for families like us.” I wasn’t even 10 yet when this realization hit me. I didn’t have any clue what lawyers did, but somehow knew law was the answer. My dream of being a Lawyer is as alive today as it was then.
The cycle of my mother holding different low paying jobs and moving from home to home continued throughout high school. I thought attending college immediately after high school was a chance to find the structure and consistency that I desperately needed. I quickly realized (after being placed on academic probation at the conclusion of my first semester of college) that I wasn’t mature enough and needed time to mature and create stability in my life if I was going to break the cycle of little education and poverty that persists throughout my family. I took a break from school and began working at Progressive Insurance less than one month after my disastrous start to college. Within two years I matured greatly and purchased my own home at 20. I returned to college a few years after and have performed extremely well.
I am one of 3 people in my immediate family to graduate high school and in May will become the first to graduate college. I am honored to be the new standard bearer for education in my family and have mentored younger family members to the point where academic success is becoming the norm. Attending law school will not only allow me to achieve a lifelong goal, but also set the tone for future generations in my family. My life experiences have provided a solid foundation that will both help me achieve success in law school and add to the diversity of your student body.




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