I am so stuck on this second to last paragraph in my PS Forum

[Anonymous User]

While attending [school] I had my first taste of mock trial. I left that encounter knowing one thing, I wanted more. I was introduced to law and for the first time I found a career I was passionate about. My thirst for law and desire to attend law school strengthened my resolve. My determination led me to become a leader in the classroom and around campus. When I was assigned to write and present a case brief on capital punishment in a course on The Bill of Rights I used the tools an education in History gave me to analyze and think critically about law. I dissected landmark Supreme Court cases and used them as the foundation for my arguments. I found myself fervently arguing in opposition, challenging the views of the majority of my class. I became entangled in issues on criminal law and social inequality and the effect of social inequality. Growing up as an inner city kid from a low income family gave me a personal connection to these issues. I learned how law can be the voice and protection for those who are subjugated to unfair practices. This is why I want to study [area of study]. As a lawyer I can assist people who, like me, have been adversely affected my social injustices.

The whole section I have in bold just feels wrong to me. I have been looking at it and rewriting it for hours and it doesn't seem like i have made any progress.

[mach9zero]

While attending [school] I had my first taste of mock trial. I left that encounter knowing one thing, I wanted more. I was introduced to law and for the first time I found a career I was passionate about. My thirst for law and desire to attend law school strengthened my resolve. My determination led me to become a leader in the classroom and around campus. When I was assigned to write and present a case brief on capital punishment in a course on The Bill of Rights I used the tools an education in History gave me to analyze and think critically about law. I dissected landmark Supreme Court cases and used them as the foundation for my arguments. I found myself fervently arguing in opposition, challenging the views of the majority of my class. I became entangled in issues on criminal law and social inequality and the effect of social inequality. Growing up as an inner city kid from a low income family gave me a personal connection to these issues. I learned how law can be the voice and protection for those who are subjugated to unfair practices. This is why I want to study [area of study]. As a lawyer I can assist people who, like me, have been adversely affected my social injustices.

The whole section I have in bold just feels wrong to me. I have been looking at it and rewriting it for hours and it doesn't seem like i have made any progress.

Almost every sentence starts with I. That's going to make it very choppy, reword your subjects or reverse the wording, so you're not starting with "I..." As well, instead of giving multiple examples of why law [I did mock trial, I wrote a case brief, I dissected cases, I was a leader, I grew up inner city, I saw people treated unfairly], pick your STRONGEST one and expand on it. As it is right now, you have too many generalized ideas and not enough concrete discussion. I'd advise shying away the "inner city kid" story, and the "like me, people who have been adversely affected by social justices."

With your personal statement, you should focus on one or two main experiences, or take a general idea and expand on it into seperate small parts. You're just spit balling reasons as to why you might enjoy law here, and none are either original or detailed. Every body has done some form of mock trial, looked at cases, and thought of themselves as leaders. Step back away from those generalities and think "what makes Anon unique as an applicant, and what experience really set me up for law," or if you don't want to tailor directly towards law (which can work), then find an experience outside the realm of "law and cases" and defines you.

With mine, I actually focused my entire personal statement on disability education and my focus on becoming a teacher and ending up in special services. Of course I threw in the brief I also did 1... 2... and 3..., but tied them into how they enhanced my main topic. It was only my last five sentences that said, "My experiences in special services... blah blah... focused my career towards disability and education law."