1st draft - any assistance welcomed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273269
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

1st draft - any assistance welcomed

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jan 22, 2014 5:39 pm

Edit: Thanks again yall.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

xmbeckham
Posts: 61
Joined: Sun Oct 13, 2013 10:36 pm

Re: 1st draft - any assistance welcomed

Postby xmbeckham » Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:46 pm

Good start.

The second and third paragraphs can certainly be shortened to a few sentences of background introduction. Also, though you have a very long paragraph describing your job responsibilities, too little detail is provided in relating what you have done in the soldier's case. Give concrete examples. Why is your report better and more consoling? What details in the report have you changed and why? Has your emotion fluctuated throughout the whole process? Delete the vague and general phrases.

Like your final paragraph.

mach9zero
Posts: 123
Joined: Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:02 pm

Re: 1st draft - any assistance welcomed

Postby mach9zero » Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:14 am

Anonymous User wrote:Here is the first draft of my personal statement. All criticism is welcomed. I can't decide if it's the best or worst essay I've ever written. Can't thank yall enough.

Eighty hour plus workweeks for nearly one year could take a toll on anyone. It certainly did not help the situation when temperatures frequently reached 120 degrees and indirect enemy fire/u] was just another day at the office. [u]Yet, my deployment to COUNTRY as a JOB only strengthened my desire to serve others. I recognized [discovered, learned, understood, comprehended] the significant impact that working with the Judge Advocate General’s (JAG) Corps could have when an accident prematurely took the life of a young soldier ...that I .


It's a very good personal topic, well done. It tailors specific to your background and decision for law school without overtly-gloating. Well done.

I will say, I hate this first paragraph. It's very awkward and I would revise it. I also would go along with the suggestion of cutting down on job responsibilities, and include more about your pursuit in joining JAG. Great closing paragraph. Read over your wording. I made corrections in this first paragraph, but I honestly this part. That's it, overall well done.

BerkeleyMan5
Posts: 53
Joined: Sat May 19, 2012 1:33 am

Re: 1st draft - any assistance welcomed

Postby BerkeleyMan5 » Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:22 am

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Last edited by BerkeleyMan5 on Wed May 21, 2014 3:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273269
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 1st draft - any assistance welcomed

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 23, 2014 5:35 am

Gratitude to all for taking the time to provide critique. I will definitely incorporate your suggestions.

xmbeckham wrote:The second and third paragraphs can certainly be shortened to a few sentences of background introduction. Also, though you have a very long paragraph describing your job responsibilities, too little detail is provided in relating what you have done in the soldier's case. Give concrete examples. Why is your report better and more consoling? What details in the report have you changed and why? Has your emotion fluctuated throughout the whole process? Delete the vague and general phrases.

I understand what you mean and felt conflicted writing that paragraph. I intentionally left it broad because I felt being more detailed about the situation came off as exploitative of a tragedy. I also did not want to seem too critical of the IO. Am I being too sensitive?




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