First PS draft, please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
NYRags14
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:44 pm

First PS draft, please critique

Postby NYRags14 » Wed Jan 15, 2014 11:31 pm

Deleted.
Last edited by NYRags14 on Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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kirbyb
Posts: 51
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:09 pm

Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby kirbyb » Thu Jan 16, 2014 12:40 am

It's mostly just a chronological story that doesn't give much insight to who you are. It's not very strong because it's mostly just "what happened next" without the why or how it impacted you. Remember, it's a personal statement so inject more of yourself into it. I didn't get a sense of who you are, except you were once a bad student but now you're better. Why was law interesting? What will happen if you enroll in a law class that doesn't interest you? You don't get proctored study halls in law school. You dwell a lot on your negatives (lack of work/study ethics).

Your topics are also a bit scattered. You start at undergrad, then jump back to high school, then a bit forward to boarding school, then to today, then back to your first two years at undergrad

And I would take out the part about your sisters. It raises questions that don't reflect well on you. At least, that's what happened when I first read it.

NYRags14
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:44 pm

Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby NYRags14 » Thu Jan 16, 2014 1:49 am

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Last edited by NYRags14 on Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

BerkeleyMan5
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Joined: Sat May 19, 2012 1:33 am

Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby BerkeleyMan5 » Thu Jan 16, 2014 2:00 am

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Last edited by BerkeleyMan5 on Wed May 21, 2014 3:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NYRags14
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Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby NYRags14 » Thu Jan 16, 2014 2:06 am

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Last edited by NYRags14 on Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

lastminuteuser
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Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:49 pm

Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby lastminuteuser » Thu Jan 16, 2014 2:20 am

+1
Last edited by lastminuteuser on Wed Jan 29, 2014 12:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NYRags14
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:44 pm

Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby NYRags14 » Thu Jan 16, 2014 2:30 am

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Last edited by NYRags14 on Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
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Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jan 16, 2014 3:22 am

Write about how your dad has such a critical spirit you didn't even try because nothing you did was good enough. Then tell us how you don't want to live like that anymore.

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retaking23
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Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby retaking23 » Thu Jan 16, 2014 4:34 pm

I liked the topic and, just so you know, there is nothing wrong with describing your gpa situation and maturation from an underachiever, especially because these two characteristics seemed to define you for much of your academic life. I also felt the bit about law was very strategically utilized and shows your genuine interest in the subject. I do recommend explaining (by showing, not telling) why specifically you want to succeed in law and why legal courses pique your interests so much more than other classes. That would also be a great segway into discussing your future goals in law school and beyond. Good luck!

NYRags14
Posts: 31
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Re: First PS draft, please critique

Postby NYRags14 » Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:04 am

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