Personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:27 pm

Thank you in advance for critiquing my personal statement! any advice would be appreciated!

Ever since I learned the functionality of language and communication, my parents taught me life lessons through the form of explanation. From this young age, my patient mother and father always took the time to explain their rationale on why I could not have something I wanted instead of outright denying me that privilege. I listened intently to my parents’ justifications on various occasions, and began coming up with reasons of my own that were strong enough to match, or override, the original reasoning. Although appreciated now, my ability to effectively negotiate an increase in allowance money or a lengthened playtime outside was clearly an unintentional consequence of my parents’ teaching method.
At the age of seven, I was able to effectively deconstruct my parents’ arguments, separate the pieces into different categories, and attack each category with a counterexample or compromise of my own. My mind’s logic, from when I was in grade school, was simple; an objective is always, in some way, tangible if it can be argued that there is no solid reason to prevent its proprietorship. As John Bolton once stated, “Negotiation is not a policy. It’s a technique”. Throughout my life I noticed the art of negotiation transform from a strategy I used without hesitance, at home and in the classroom, to an attribute from which I began to self-identify.
At the age of nineteen my negotiation skills were put to the ultimate test. After being diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia at birth, I lived my childhood and teenage years with frequent hospitalizations and in chronic pain. This incurable disease heavily impacted my wellbeing and forced maturity upon me at an early age. Over winter break in 2011-2012 I had heard about a trial medication that could increase the hemoglobin in the blood to reduce pain crises and health complications for Sickle Cell patients. When I decided to advocate for the medication’s administration, I was aware of the possibility that my body could reject the medication, and aware of the risk that I could develop more complications like leukemia and infertility.
My hematologists and parents were strongly against my choice when I approached them. My hematologists told me that the medication, though established to cure other ailments, was fairly new to the environment for those suffering from Sickle Cell Disease. My parents were worried about the side effects, like weight-loss and fatigue, which could come with the medication’s prescription. After days of deliberation and consultation, I managed to persuasively negotiate my way into an agreement between my doctors, my parents, and myself.
I explained to my parents and doctors that I was exhausted from the pain episodes that I lived with at varying degrees almost every day. I then openly analyzed the possible risks I could get from the drug and proved how the benefits could outweigh them. For example, I demonstrated how a nap in my dorm room from fatigue was better than spending four days bedridden in a hospital bed from pain. After my final argument the doctors and my parents finally agreed, but to only if I agreed to certain conditions of precaution. These conditions included blood tests every two weeks for the first six months and once a month afterwards, a change in my diet, and the prescription of another drug to enhance my immune system.
My life is, to this day, what I consider to be a series of negotiations that have shaped me into the healthy person I am. Unlike many who dislike confrontation and compromise, I welcome it. I enjoy a thorough debate because it influences me to be more determined about my ambitions. No case in the United States Judicial System was argued without the constant perseverance of tireless lawyers. Lawyers intricately construct arguments, and counter-arguments, to support their stance in a courtroom. In turn, no lawyer can win any case without understanding the composition of negotiation, whether it is on the inclusion of criminal evidence during trial or on pricing a company’s net worth during a merger. This aspect, in the art of lawyering, is something I have been training to excel at since I learned the functionality of language and communication.

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby kirbyb » Mon Jan 13, 2014 3:45 pm

I'd cut the first two paragraphs. No need to talk about how you've been good at arguing since you were a kid. Right now, your thesis is, "I'm good at arguing," which is not a good one.

I'd spend more time about the sickle cell, how it affected your life, and how you overcame it or learned to adjust. It'd be an interesting adversity/diversity topic. Right now, it's too clinical and dry.


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Re: Personal Statement

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Jan 13, 2014 10:08 pm

Your thesis is not well developed and does not paint you in the most appealing light. Your conclusions at the end about the profession seem naive. This is an unnecessary step. First, you are not a professional negotiator. Second, even if you were you would not need to tie it into law.

Also, you need to make sure you get a dictionary and check the words. Functionality does not equal function. And proprietorship does not equal propriety.

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