PS Help, first draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

PS Help, first draft

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Jan 12, 2014 10:30 pm

Hey guys, let me know how this first draft is thanks. If you want to swap feel free to email me at heywatchitbuddy@hotmail.com

As I exited the rental car I was immediately met with a gust of cold air. The weather is usually very nice in Leonard, Texas, but today the sky was overcast and grim, befitting the somber mood of the occasion. My parents shuffled me into the crowd near the plot where he was to be buried while the minister droned on with the bible verses and other parts of the service. Once the minister had finished, a sort of ceremony was commenced in which the deceased’s family and friends went around and shared their memories of him one last time before he was put to rest. I was much too young to try and articulate my feelings in front of the crowd, but what I did do was listen. I listened closely to the stories told by this man’s close friends and family about his life and the impact he had on his community. Hardworking, generous, and unquestionably honest: such a description does not even come close to the praise given by those who knew him best. It was not however just his virtuous character that defined his legacy. Had he just been a good man there would have been far fewer people there. Instead it was his actions, what he had done to better his community that left the biggest footprint. Through his career he was able to further his ideals and effect dramatic positive change that inspired everyone he knew, including me. His name was [HIS NAME HERE], a lawyer, a leader, a soldier, and my grandfather.
Due to his premature death and great distance from my home, my time with him had been brief, and after the funeral service,and as I grew up, I desired to know more about this venerable man. I wanted to know how he was able to have such a great impact on his community, what tools he had used to change things for the better. Through stories from family and writings he left behind I was able to delve further into his life. After growing up in West Texas during the Great Depression he was drafted into the U.S. Army in 1942. Serving stateside in Louisiana and then in London, he was able to avoid any major injuries, and the part of his life most relevant to me began when he returned from the war: with the help of the G.I. Bill, he was able to attend law school, graduating in the class of ’48. After graduating near the top of his class he was offered various lucrative job offers in New York, but instead chose to return back to Texas to join a local firm. As he worked his way up, his responsibilities and involvement in the community expanded rapidly. Starting from humble beginnings working low paying service jobs during the Great Depression, he was now serving on the board of directors for hospitals and the Bar Association, as well as being involved in diverse projects like the opening of the Sixth Floor Museum in what was the Texas School Book Depository commemorating JFK’s assassination. After reading his memoir, it seemed to me that the turning point in his life, what allowed him to accomplish what he did, was his decision to attend law school. He was always a diligent and hard worker, so I have no doubt he would have been successful regardless, but the impact and scale of what he wanted to accomplish and did accomplish would not have happened without the career that a Juris Doctor enabled.
Growing up, and especially as I progressed to choosing my professional path, this knowledge of my grandfather’s career was always in the back of my mind. As my interests focused and my desires for what I wanted to accomplish became more apparent, it became clearer that the tools my grandfather had used to better his community could also be used by me to accomplish my goals. My skills and interests have pushed me towards a career in public interest law, and earning a J.D. will enable me to go out and start my own story of bettering people’s lives. I’ve grown up in a different time and place from my grandfather, but I feel that his desires and mine have a great similarity, and although I don’t plan on following his exact example, the core elements of his decision to enter a career in law, the desire to give back, to lead in the community, and to help others, are shared by the both of us.

Just reading it again should I expand more in the last paragraph? Any suggestions?

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kirbyb
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Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:09 pm

Re: PS Help, first draft

Postby kirbyb » Mon Jan 13, 2014 12:10 am

After reading it, I know nothing about you. More about you, less about your grandfather.

arexniba
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Dec 26, 2013 1:35 pm

Re: PS Help, first draft

Postby arexniba » Mon Feb 24, 2014 6:09 pm

kirbyb wrote:After reading it, I know nothing about you. More about you, less about your grandfather.


+1

I felt as though I was reading a biography about your grandfather. Then, a small portion of you.
I think you should condense the opening paragraph as it's too lengthy and irrelevant to the statement's purpose.
Also, I would make your grandfather's accomplishments a bit more brief and start it off by saying, "...I found his memoirs and discovered..."
Definitely talk more about yourself and how you would contribute to a law school.
Nonetheless, I like how you tie in your grandfather's ties with the community to what you hope to accomplish some day yourself.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Help, first draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Feb 24, 2014 6:23 pm

Your PS, in my opinion, fails to reveal much about you & your inner workings. Doubtful that this writing will help your chances of being admitted to law school; it may, however, harm your chances due to poor writing & lack of a focused, developing relevant theme.In short, this is a better eulogy than a law school PS.

Big Dog
Posts: 1191
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:34 pm

Re: PS Help, first draft

Postby Big Dog » Mon Feb 24, 2014 6:30 pm

Begin with the last par. (you can weave in your gf's history in a couple of sentences. (A cold day in Texas when you were a kid is of no relevance to LS adcoms, since they are not admitting the kid. And they really don't want to hear that you have been destined to be a lawyer since your were 4 -- it's just foolish to think so.)

but I feel that his desires and mine have a great similarity, and although I don’t plan on following his exact example, the core elements of his decision to enter a career in law, the desire to give back, to lead in the community, and to help others, are shared by the both of us.


Then, show, not tell, the bolded.




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