deleted per advice

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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dlroy
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Jan 10, 2014 10:08 pm

deleted per advice

Postby dlroy » Sat Jan 11, 2014 12:07 pm

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Last edited by dlroy on Sat Jan 11, 2014 7:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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2807
Posts: 579
Joined: Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: Still seeking some help please...

Postby 2807 » Sat Jan 11, 2014 12:41 pm

\deleted/
Last edited by 2807 on Sun Jan 12, 2014 2:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

dlroy
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Jan 10, 2014 10:08 pm

Re: Still seeking some help please...

Postby dlroy » Sat Jan 11, 2014 1:05 pm

2807 wrote:Ok. Basically: You were dog-paddling, and then your child's birth inspired you to do better. Nice platform. Good enough. Go with it.
However, your writing is way too contrived and flowery. That first PARAGRAPH is ONE SENTENCE !
I almost stopped there.

Just for practice, go back and edit the crap out of this thing and see what it looks like if you just SAY what you want to say and DO NOT bury the message under a thesaurus. There are so many examples were you are working way too hard to just convey the message. The message is good, JUST SAY IT. Be concise, clear, and short. You are losing your reader with the exact tactic you think is impressive. It is not. There are a few sentences where it is just nonsense. It starts to feel like you are trying to baffle-them-with-bullsh*t.

How about just settling down for a minute? Write less flowery, and give a few one liner's about your inspiration from the simple acts of love and life you learn from being a father. That really is powerful, and sets you apart. Your peers have none of that.
You know something they do not know.
Use that. Simple. Strong. Clear.

You want the reader to receive the information while not realizing they are reading. You are making them work too hard. Do not do that.

You have a few passive voice issues to fix. WRITE STRONG. = do Not do this: " I have learned..." just say ---> " I know..."

There is a typo here: " it has only furthered inflamed my passion"

First sentence, last paragraph: You overcame "great dissidence?" What ? You overcame your own protest against official policy?

Ok, there ya go. My .02. You can PM me and I will help more if any of this feels like help.

Good luck and good job so far. Kids, wife, work, school... sheeesh. Ouch. Keep going ! I dig it.

ONWARD!


This helps a ton sir!!! Thank you so much, I will further work on it today and post an updated version. I will indeed pm you as well, blunt and to the point, love it! Thank you again!




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