Please critique.... I would be so appreciative!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Nicolena.

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Please critique.... I would be so appreciative!

Postby Nicolena. » Fri Jan 10, 2014 2:20 am

REWORKED BELOW
Last edited by Nicolena. on Wed Mar 05, 2014 5:22 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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kirbyb

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Re: Looking for feedback..... Am I on the right track?

Postby kirbyb » Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:32 am

Interesting first paragraph. Off to a good start. That's all anyone can say until you write the rest.

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sherealcool

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Re: Looking for feedback..... Am I on the right track?

Postby sherealcool » Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:33 pm

I think the idea is interesting, but you write in the passive tense a few times, which is a no-no. Be mindful of active tense v. passive moving forward.

Good outline. I look forward to reading it.

philipthegreat

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Re: Looking for feedback..... Am I on the right track?

Postby philipthegreat » Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:39 pm

Looks good! My feedback would be to make sure to write more about how you demonstrated those values that you claim are so important in your intro. Perhaps split the third paragraph into two (one talking about how your work experience prepared you for law school and one talking about why law school is the logical next step based on your long term goals).

I don’t really see passive voice though. Verbs like "had engulfed” and “had realized” are past perfect tense, not passive voice. Passive phrasing would be something like “my house was engulfed by flames”

Nicolena.

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Re: Looking for feedback..... Am I on the right track?

Postby Nicolena. » Sun Mar 02, 2014 11:06 pm

Reworking......

Nicolena.

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Re: Looking for feedback.....ASAP. Thank you!

Postby Nicolena. » Wed Mar 05, 2014 5:09 pm

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Last edited by Nicolena. on Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf

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Re: Please critique.... I would be so appreciative!

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Mar 05, 2014 5:40 pm

"appeals stage" or "appellate stage", but not "appealing stage".

The first paragraph is well written, the second is okay, but the third seems as if you're applying to a funeral home focused business school.

Baby_Got_Feuerbach

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Re: Please critique.... I would be so appreciative!

Postby Baby_Got_Feuerbach » Wed Mar 05, 2014 6:58 pm

There may be bigger concerns but my advice after a quick read would be to ditch the adjectives (-ly words) and come up with stronger verbs. This is a general rule of thumb in good writing and could give you more room to write :-)

Nicolena.

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Re: Please critique.... I would be so appreciative!

Postby Nicolena. » Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:21 pm

Baby_Got_Feuerbach wrote:There may be bigger concerns but my advice after a quick read would be to ditch the adjectives (-ly words) and come up with stronger verbs. This is a general rule of thumb in good writing and could give you more room to write :-)


Lol. Thanks. I'll probably look into that once I'm complete. :)



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