First draft needs constructive criticism

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2013 11:03 pm

First draft needs constructive criticism

Postby FrenchDonkey » Fri Jan 10, 2014 12:22 am

Thanks for your comments!
Last edited by FrenchDonkey on Sun Jan 12, 2014 3:51 am, edited 1 time in total.


Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: First draft needs constructive criticism

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Jan 10, 2014 2:03 am

Pick a thesis and write about it. In the first paragraph you seem to want to tell us about a moral dilemma or ambivalence you felt. But you do nothing to develop this conflict. Moreover, I find the plot cliche. "I travelled to distant lands, slayed the dragon, returned to glory." Not all that original. But you could use your experience in the northern capital to tell us an interesting story instead.

Moreover, your piece is essentially a bullet list of your qualities (i.e. grace under pressure, etc.) but never really demonstrate that. It is like telling someone your car is fast. Better to take it around the track once or twice and let them see it. Simply stating "I thrive under pressure" lacks credibility. You need to tell a story that demonstrates your abilities.

You need to write in the active voice and use descriptive verbs. Don't start you sentences with "it" when there is no "it".

Get rid of your last paragraph. You sound naive explaining the similarities of law and education. It is not useful or necessary.

And get rid of the throat clearing phrases at the start of your sentences. (Example: "Nonetheless, surprisingly, ").

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