Fifth Draft of my PS--looking for some feedback

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Ben Reilly
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 2:08 am

Fifth Draft of my PS--looking for some feedback

Postby Ben Reilly » Wed Jan 08, 2014 10:47 pm

Finished. Thanks!
Last edited by Ben Reilly on Sat Jan 11, 2014 12:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.

kcdc1
Posts: 930
Joined: Fri Jan 03, 2014 6:48 am

Re: Fifth Draft of my PS--looking for some feedback

Postby kcdc1 » Thu Jan 09, 2014 10:19 pm

You use cavalier twice which feels weird as a reader. Also, this section has a lot of ideas that don't seem connected to me. Explain the logical flow more.

"The same windows that once provided relief from the summer night now sent shivers down my back from the screeches of the tow truck’s crane, as the drivers impatiently prepared for my mother’s arrival. While my poor working class family was once mired by debt and payday advance loans, the repossession was the first step towards my mother’s declaration of bankruptcy and the eventual foreclosure of my childhood home.

For years, I lumbered through life with an apathetic attitude, believing my abilities to be limited by my financial means. As I sat in the darkness of my kitchen, I realized that while I could not control the financial constraints of my life, my cavalier disposition only served to exacerbate these conditions. Mine was only one of millions of stories of strife. Whereas others had emerged victorious through their bouts with turmoil, I allowed my difficulties to defeat me. I rose up from the floor that night as an adult who refused to allow outside circumstances to hinder his success. "

Ben Reilly
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 2:08 am

Re: Fifth Draft of my PS--looking for some feedback

Postby Ben Reilly » Thu Jan 09, 2014 11:12 pm

kcdc1 wrote:You use cavalier twice which feels weird as a reader. Also, this section has a lot of ideas that don't seem connected to me. Explain the logical flow more.

"The same windows that once provided relief from the summer night now sent shivers down my back from the screeches of the tow truck’s crane, as the drivers impatiently prepared for my mother’s arrival. While my poor working class family was once mired by debt and payday advance loans, the repossession was the first step towards my mother’s declaration of bankruptcy and the eventual foreclosure of my childhood home.

For years, I lumbered through life with an apathetic attitude, believing my abilities to be limited by my financial means. As I sat in the darkness of my kitchen, I realized that while I could not control the financial constraints of my life, my cavalier disposition only served to exacerbate these conditions. Mine was only one of millions of stories of strife. Whereas others had emerged victorious through their bouts with turmoil, I allowed my difficulties to defeat me. I rose up from the floor that night as an adult who refused to allow outside circumstances to hinder his success. "


Thanks a lot for reading and providing feedback. I actually noticed the repetition of cavalier in the essay as well, so I switched the second usage to careless. I also changed "for years" to "in the years prior to this event" to create a more clearly defined timeline.

riverwater
Posts: 196
Joined: Sat Nov 23, 2013 11:41 pm

Re: Fifth Draft of my PS--looking for some feedback

Postby riverwater » Fri Jan 10, 2014 9:14 am

This is small: I believe you mean "cost-cutting initiatives."

Ben Reilly
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 2:08 am

Re: Fifth Draft of my PS--looking for some feedback

Postby Ben Reilly » Fri Jan 10, 2014 1:09 pm

riverwater wrote:This is small: I believe you mean "cost-cutting initiatives."



Wow, you're totally right. I didn't even notice that. Thanks!




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