PS 2.0 hope this one could be better

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Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

PS 2.0 hope this one could be better

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Jan 05, 2014 8:17 am

As an international student, really need you help. Any critic is welcome.

May 12 2008, which is supposed to be one of my common days in Cheng Du Experimental Foreign Language School, I was sleepy when my chemistry teacher had just begun her long-windedness. Suddenly a shock woke me up, and the scream of my classmates made me realize this was an earthquake. Of course I survived or I could not write this personal statement, but not everyone was as lucky as me. Shortly after the earthquake, the depressing news of the deadly earthquake happened in Wenchuan came to my ears, and what depressed me more was that I could do nothing except praying and donations.
Two years later, a documentary named China's Unnatural Disaster the Tears of Sichuan Province impressed me a lot when I was studying in the University of Electronic Science and Technology of China. It displayed the aftermath of the disaster area in the Wenchuan earthquake, only one building in the epicenter area survive the disaster and the others all collapsed thoroughly. But the irony is that the only building was marked decrepit, therefore there was no single person in it. What shocked me most was that all the school buildings in that area were in ruins and I could never forget the howl and tears of the mothers who lost their children in this tragedy. With government unwilling to publish the exact number of death, the parents were even not allowed to set temporary memorial tablet with their children's names on it. Could you imagine this in United States? Then I realized that there were something wrong with my country and this needed to be changed. My belief to change this situation grew stronger when I was heard of a man was confirmed guilty just because he listed the names of students died in this unnatural disaster to public. But what could I do? Nothing. My current knowledge had little to deal with the root of this society. That was the first time I desired to be a lawyer who could do more things to improve the society, and had the abilities to help the people who could not afford legal service even those who did not know they had their own rights.
As the results of the experience above, whether to seek a legal career after graduation or not had become a question to me. In this case, it is worth talking about my experience of being a member of debate team, which finally makes my decision. At the beginning of my debate training, I learnt how to do background research and critical thinking which I believed are very useful in any area of knowledge including law. In addition, as the nature of debate was group work, abilities like clear expression, argument analysis, persuasion, effective summary and logical thinking played quite crucial roles. It was the first time I found the charm of these skills which drew me into debate deeply. After spending two years in the debate team, I became the supervisor for the freshman training. It was quite challenging to me because I used to be a person who always said," my advice is... and you should make decision", but this apparently would not make me to be competent as a supervisor, a decision maker. Honestly, I had met many problems during the training and I spent lots of time looking for possible solutions. It was really a hard but meaningful work making me confident and leader-like. It was the debate experience helped me to develop my critical lens to everything. While thinking back to all the debate experience, I suddenly realize those abilities I have learnt from the debate are quite similar to what are required for law studying. As a result, I choose to pursue my dream.
I realize that studying law will be a challenge for me and learning law in English will create more difficulties for sure. But nothing could stop me from pursuing my dream, and attending law school will be the first chapter of my future life.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Jan 16, 2014 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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BaberhamLincoln
Posts: 2973
Joined: Thu Jan 02, 2014 1:50 pm

Re: 1st edit PS plz critic

Postby BaberhamLincoln » Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:07 pm

I tried to copy/paste and edit this, but I don't completely understand it.
I think it would be best to find an English-speaker close to you, tell them the story, and have them help you write it. This essay did not make sense in English. Only certain parts did.

I'm sorry, I really wanted to help. But I just didn't understand enough and I don't want to completely rewrite it for you.

Good luck! :mrgreen:

Anonymous User
Posts: 273254
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: PS 2.0 hope this one could be better

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 16, 2014 6:10 am

really need advice, please help

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nothingtosee
Posts: 865
Joined: Tue May 03, 2011 12:08 am

Re: 1st edit PS plz critic

Postby nothingtosee » Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:22 am

leigh912198972 wrote:I tried to copy/paste and edit this, but I don't completely understand it.
I think it would be best to find an English-speaker close to you, tell them the story, and have them help you write it. This essay did not make sense in English. Only certain parts did.

I'm sorry, I really wanted to help. But I just didn't understand enough and I don't want to completely rewrite it for you.

Good luck! :mrgreen:



I agree. From the beginning, I got thrown off by phrases like "common days" which do not appear in English.




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