Noobie- Need help with PS please-any feedback will help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Epitome
Posts: 12
Joined: Sat Jan 04, 2014 12:40 am

Noobie- Need help with PS please-any feedback will help

Postby Epitome » Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:00 am

.....
Last edited by Epitome on Wed Jan 15, 2014 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Epitome
Posts: 12
Joined: Sat Jan 04, 2014 12:40 am

Re: Noobie- Need help with PS please-any feedback will help

Postby Epitome » Tue Jan 07, 2014 9:25 pm

bump

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BaberhamLincoln
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Joined: Thu Jan 02, 2014 1:50 pm

Re: Noobie- Need help with PS please-any feedback will help

Postby BaberhamLincoln » Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:34 pm

I like it.
BUT...
I get confused. A lot going on. The home mortgage stuff, then the sexual abuse stuff, then the teacher stuff.

Try to focus it more? Or get one common theme?

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DEO3029
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Joined: Thu Jun 07, 2012 1:56 am

Re: Noobie- Need help with PS please-any feedback will help

Postby DEO3029 » Sat Jan 11, 2014 1:08 am

I would agree that one theme/story might make it more consistent/coherent. How did you end up in the role of hosting the mortgage seminars…that could be an interesting component.

The way it seems like to me is that…when your parents had their mortgage issue, it was no ones job to help educate them so you assumed that role. Now the mechanisms for advocacy exist and you played a role in that at your firm. It seemed like you were trying to indicate that the skills picked up along the way will permit you to be an effective attorney

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Noobie- Need help with PS please-any feedback will help

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Jan 11, 2014 5:09 pm

Less is more.

When you call your parents "high school educated" you seem to be implying that they did not have the skills to handle the matter themselves. But you use a condescending expression to convey an idea that requires too far a logical leap. I get what you are doing, but a good writer will find a succinct way to expressly make the point. At any rate, the story seems a bit embellished. Like there are missing pieces.

The molestation part should stand alone in a DS, or consume the entirety of the piece.

It is just a stylistic choice, but I find that the narrative start in the typical PS is a red flag to weak writing. In your example, "I was 15 when..." A strong writer will typically not ease into a three page paper like the beginning of a novel. For what it is worth, I have read lots of these, and the weaker ones tend to have this descriptive narration at the beginning. I would bet an adcom tunes out like Pavlov's dog when reading it.


About a month later while my high school educated parents sat at the closing table in the small conference room at our local credit union, trying to appear calm as they signed their documents for a 15 year mortgage, with an APR of 2.75%, I couldn’t help but beam with pride.
One last thing. This sentence is a good example of how not to write a punchy piece. The subject predicate are buried ("I could not help"). Break the sentence up. Use powerful verbs. "I found a better solution. I convinced my parents to believe. And I cannot express the pride I felt in seeing my parents sign the note that lifted that heavy burden from them. We sat in the room stifling our excitement, as my parents signed a new mortage fixed at just 2.75%. Until that moment, I do not know if I truly believed."

Epitome
Posts: 12
Joined: Sat Jan 04, 2014 12:40 am

Re: Noobie- Need help with PS please-any feedback will help

Postby Epitome » Wed Jan 15, 2014 6:01 pm

Thanks guys for the great feedback...I was trying to tie in two stories together without getting too bogged down by the details.

I will re-work over the weekend and definitely split the stories up so I can give them each a better treatment.




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