Personal Statement Critique *1st Draft*

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Personal Statement Critique *1st Draft*

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 02, 2014 11:05 pm

Hi all, I am looking for some advice (the good and the bad) on my essay. Please let me know if this is a good start or if I need to go back to the drawing board. Feel free to give it to me straight. Looking for any comments. Thanks in advance!!!!

Learning to be outgoing and social has always been a personal challenge since I can remember. Growing up I did not have many friends, but rather just enjoyed spending time with my sisters. But as the years went by my siblings began to spend more time with their friends, leaving me alone. I craved their outgoing spirits and ability to talk freely with friends, but I content with finding activities that I could do alone. High school was a difficult time for me as both of my siblings have moved out of the house and I was the only one left, no one to watch TV or play games with me. With few friends and being the only child at home, I began to become depressed. I never wanted to do anything and I became disinterested in the things I was once loved.

Everyday I had the same routine, wake up, go to school, come home to do homework, and then I would just sit in my room alone and think. Following this spiral staircase down to the depth of depression, one day when talking with my parents I knew that I wanted to change, I wanted to have a life like my sisters and others around me. So I began to go to therapy, where I was able to talk freely and not be judged. Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I was self-conscience about what others thought of me, so I would not speak freely and I my actions were, as my teachers used to say “very mature for my age.” I tried not to stand out or draw attention to myself, but this all began to change one afternoon when I was talking with my therapist. It was the six or seventh session and I had become comfortable enough to really open up.

Just as I was beginning to become comfortable, my life was about to change drastically as I was one week away from moving into the dorms and starting college. This was one of the most daunting experiences of my life because I was still unsure of myself and unable to be myself around people. But I made it a personal goal to try to change all of this; I viewed college as a new beginning. As the weeks and months passed, I was slowly beginning to become myself around my roommate, dorm mates, and classmates. Still, I was shy and knew there was many things I could continually do to make friends and not be afraid to ask for help.

Thus, my last semester of college had come in what felt like just one year and while searching for jobs following college, I explored different options, but knew that there was only one option. That option was one that would force me to interact with people o a constant basis and have people gain my trust. So I found an opportunity at ****** where I would be interacting with multiple people on a daily basis as a financial controller. I remember my first month there, I was terrified to pick up the phone and call the managers at the airports whose financials I monitored. Then came my first business trip, where I went out to****** Airport to discuss their budget for 2014 operating year. I was terrified because I did not want to send the wrong impression and I started to become very self-conscience on the airplane. Once I had arrived, I was greeted by one of the assistant managers, my voice was shaky and my hands clammy. During the next two days we continually worked around the clock to get the items completed, and as I sat on the plane ride back home I reflected on the trip.

It was that one trip that changed my life for the better, I became more confident in my abilities and myself, and more importantly I began to recognize how others would accept me for who I am. I would not have to put on a false face, but rather just be myself. My coworkers and friends accept my quirkiness and oddities, but it took me nearly 22 years to discover that everyone has oddities and there is no “normal”. For me, discovering this idea I was able to finally begin to be the person I always wanted to be, one who is outgoing and not afraid to make mistakes.

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Re: Personal Statement Critique *1st Draft*

Postby kirbyb » Fri Jan 03, 2014 4:32 pm

First thought after reading: I hope you got over the anxiety when you deal with other people. You wouldn't be a very effective lawyer if you had trouble talking to new people. I know the last paragraph talks about how you're better but I think a concrete example would do wonders. Show, don't tell!


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Re: Personal Statement Critique *1st Draft*

Postby caligirl8 » Tue Jan 07, 2014 2:11 pm

I agree with the previous user. You should add an experience you had giving a public speech or forum to show that you really have over come this fear. Good luck!

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