Diversity: Almost ready to submit.. please advise..

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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luuma
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2011 2:04 am

Diversity: Almost ready to submit.. please advise..

Postby luuma » Tue Dec 31, 2013 12:50 pm

Thank you!
Last edited by luuma on Wed Jan 01, 2014 6:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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mornincounselor
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Joined: Sun Apr 21, 2013 1:37 am

Post removed.

Postby mornincounselor » Wed Jan 01, 2014 12:30 pm

Post removed.
Last edited by mornincounselor on Mon Nov 09, 2015 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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A. Nony Mouse
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Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2012 11:51 am

Re: Diversity: Almost ready to submit.. please advise..

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:43 pm

I like the images you draw. A few nitpicky points:

- how can you "watch" a "rain of laughter"?
- "demand in Spanish of our mother"
- "tecato--Dominican slang for an addict--always made me smile."
- "the perpetual cycle to which almost all of the community continues to fall victim"
- "continued to ascend throughout college" [omit "further"]
- "My desire for a better worldview [? better world? worldview seems really subjective, about perspective not about actual lived experience] has led me to pursue a legal career, for I wish to help young women, sitting in the same tenement buildings where I too I once sat, have a chance to see through a different scope" [this is sort of vague/unclear to me - do you really want them just to see things differently, or actually to have better opportunities? or do you want them to recognize that they can have opportunities, so that they can make those opportunities real? how does having a legal career actually help achieve this?]
- please please please don't use the word "utilize" - it's the most useless word in the world. In this context, I'd say "embrace and draw on"
- "I have transformed past adversities" [omit "such"]

Good luck with your applications!

hernanmi
Posts: 54
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 3:51 pm

Re: Diversity: Almost ready to submit.. please advise..

Postby hernanmi » Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:58 pm

This seems a little long for a DS. Don't most schools allow applicants only one page or less?

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luuma
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2011 2:04 am

Re: Diversity: Almost ready to submit.. please advise..

Postby luuma » Wed Jan 01, 2014 6:23 pm

Thanks so much! Taking it down to look over these inputs for edits. Thanks a million guys! :)




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