Writers Block - Ideas to make this more narrative?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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luuma
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Writers Block - Ideas to make this more narrative?

Postby luuma » Mon Dec 30, 2013 2:51 pm

Thanks
Last edited by luuma on Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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gdane
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Re: Writers Block - Ideas to make this more narrative?

Postby gdane » Mon Dec 30, 2013 3:48 pm

I'm sorry but this statement comes off a little elitist and is a rehashing of your resume. Your experiences working for $5.25 an hour, working on yachts, and working at a law firm isn't impressing anyone in anyway. Talking about going to Europe and taking trips to the Swiss alps and Normandy just rubs me, and likely would rub most people, the wrong way.

The opening with a relative telling you something in a foreign language is also overplayed. Everyone does it.

The only thing I get out of this statement is that you've traveled to Europe and that you've worked at a bunch of places. Try to focus on one experience rather than talking about all the things that you've done.

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luuma
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Re: Writers Block - Ideas to make this more narrative?

Postby luuma » Mon Dec 30, 2013 4:19 pm

gdane wrote:I'm sorry but this statement comes off a little elitist and is a rehashing of your resume. Your experiences working for $5.25 an hour, working on yachts, and working at a law firm isn't impressing anyone in anyway. Talking about going to Europe and taking trips to the Swiss alps and Normandy just rubs me, and likely would rub most people, the wrong way.

The opening with a relative telling you something in a foreign language is also overplayed. Everyone does it.

The only thing I get out of this statement is that you've traveled to Europe and that you've worked at a bunch of places. Try to focus on one experience rather than talking about all the things that you've done.


Well I wanted to show all the things I've done.. because I'm also submitting an adversity statement showing that I'm a minority from the Bronx that overcame adversity.. and I kind of wanted to contrast growing up in poverty and the opportunities I worked hard to obtain which. Does this contrast still make it sound douchey? That was the last thing I wanted to do with my paper :oops: Thanks for the honesty!

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gdane
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Re: Writers Block - Ideas to make this more narrative?

Postby gdane » Mon Dec 30, 2013 4:26 pm

I think it's a great contrast to make. People love "rags to riches" and "overcoming adversity" stories.

The way this narrarive (?) reads, it comes off kind of douchey. You've certainly accomplished a lot in spite of coming from poverty, but i don't get that from this statement. All I get is that you've been to a bunch of exotic places all over Europe.

Is there a specific moment that you consider significant? Something that had a positive impact on you or that you really learned from?

You know your story better than I do. I'm not trying to trash your writing or anything. I just wanted to give you the impression that I got from this statement.




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