Two versions, could really use some input!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

#1 or #2?

1
1
33%
2
2
67%
 
Total votes: 3

bisanch
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:19 pm

Two versions, could really use some input!

Postby bisanch » Sat Dec 28, 2013 6:54 pm

#1

As I stepped through the front door after sophomore year of college, a familiar somberness greeted me. My parents had an argument again. This time, my father was missing and my crying mother was packing. They were calling it quits; they decided to have a divorce.

The relationship my parents shared was neither functional nor passionate. When I entered middle school, it was obvious they donned the façade of husband and wife for my sake. Under this pretense, the household became extremely volatile. Additionally, the dearth of communication between my parents hastened the deterioration of my family. Neither attempted to resolve or confront their issues. As this continued, a small crack in their relationship became a crevice, a fissure, and an impasse – compromise became a strange concept.

Regularly, I attempted to mend their relationship by bridging their views. My mother viewed going to the casino a vice, but my father saw it as a hobby. I presented an acceptable medium for my parents by locating the focal points in their conflicting perspectives. With the casino, I suggested going as a family vacation understanding that my mother would have less qualms. Expectedly, majority of their arguments ended up filtering through me. This made mediating a habit of mine.

As I grew older, I became exposed to conflicts other than those between my parents. Working as a summer employee at Subway, I observed constant bickering between the employees and the managers. Every day I worked, I struggled to maintain harmony in the workplace by translating complaints into tasks. When the managers wanted the Doritos shelf to be filled, I would point out to my rebellious co-workers how easy the job was compared to mixing frozen tuna with mayonnaise, or dealing with customers on cellphones. Similarly, as a violin mentor, I had to balance parents’ expectation and students’ motivation. I walked the fine line of keeping students interested while teaching a musical piece difficult enough to satisfy their parents. Usually, recognizable movie soundtracks like the solo in Schindler’s List worked.

When I found myself in college, the sheer number of conflicts overwhelmed me. Various majors, ideologies, and backgrounds, all the students could find something to disagree on. Gratefully, I was surrounded by strongly opinionated friends. I sidelined discussions on a daily basis and participated by keeping them relevant. For instance, when Griffin said African American Vernacular English (AAVE) is inferior to Standard English, Jeff assumed Griffin evaluated AAVE on a linguistic standpoint, weighing the complexities of the etymology rather than the socioeconomic status of the attributed group, which was Griffin’s premise. Able to see the issue causing the gridlock, I prevented an escalating argument by pointing it out.

Throughout college, I enjoyed the company of my friends and reflected on my ability to understand topics from multiple perspectives. In addition, I valued my sociology background because it provided me with the capability to put almost all arguments into appropriate context. After all, most controversy is a clash of group differences. Beyond social circles, at my internship I tracked relevant case information for my supervisor while maintaining empathetic conversations with the clients. The in-take calls felt natural to me, reminding me of what I had done for my parents and friends.

The divorce was a blessing in disguise. Fumbling in my parents’ unsuccessful marriage, I gained a propensity for conflicts and mediating them. Luckily, I found a path through my internship which would allow me to apply my tendencies appropriately. A legal education will help me reach my full potential to identify problems and resolve them successfully.


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#2

As I stepped through the front door after sophomore year of college, a familiar somberness greeted me. My parents had an argument again. This time, my father was missing and my crying mother was packing. They were calling it quits; they decided to have a divorce.

The relationship my parents shared was neither functional nor passionate. When I entered middle school, it was obvious they donned the façade of husband and wife for my sake. Under this pretense, the household became extremely volatile. Every expression and action became a potential trigger to revealing the instabilities of my parents’ relationship. I constantly reevaluated my behavior respecting my parents’ efforts to preserve our family.

However, my family continued to be dysfunctional. The dearth of communication hastened the deterioration of my parents’ relationship. Neither attempted to resolve or confront their issues. As this continued, a small crack in their relationship became a crevice, a fissure, and an impasse – compromise became a strange concept. Regularly, I attempted to mend their relationship by bridging their views. I presented an acceptable medium for my parents by extracting the focal points in their conflicting perspectives. Expectedly, majority of their arguments ended up filtering through me. This made mediating a habit of mine.

As I grew older, I became exposed to conflicts other than those between my parents. Working as a summer employee at Subway, I observed constant bickering between the employees and the managers. Expectations were set too high and productivity was low. Every day I worked, I struggled to maintain harmony in the workplace by translating complaints into tasks. Similarly, as a violin mentor, I had to balance parents’ expectation and students’ motivation. I walked the fine line of keeping students interested while teaching a musical piece difficult enough to satisfy their parents.

When I found myself in college, the sheer number of conflicts overwhelmed me. Various majors, ideologies, and backgrounds, all the students could find something to disagree on. Gratefully, I was surrounded by a unique group of friends. I sidelined arguments on a daily basis and participated by keeping them relevant. The arguments ranged from the inferiority of African American Vernacular English to the future of Egypt. No limit existed to what could be discussed, as my friends’ majors ranged from linguistics to foreign affairs. Throughout college, I enjoyed the company of my friends and reflected on my ability to understand topics from multiple perspectives. In addition, I valued my sociology background as it provided me with the capability to put almost all arguments into appropriate context. Beyond social circles, at my internship I tracked relevant case information for my supervisor while maintaining empathetic conversations with the clients. The in-take calls felt natural to me, reminding me of what I had done for my parents and friends.

The divorce was a blessing in disguise. Fumbling in my parents’ unsuccessful marriage, I gained a propensity for conflicts and mediating them. Luckily, I found a path which would allow me to apply my tendencies appropriately. A legal education will help me reach my full potential to identify problems and resolve them successfully.


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Thank you for taking the time to read through them! Any feedback is appreciated.

User avatar
lastsamurai
Posts: 978
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:17 am

Re: Two versions, could really use some input!

Postby lastsamurai » Tue Dec 31, 2013 11:06 am

Honestly I don't find either of them overly compelling. I think what is lacking is a real picture of who you are aside from the guy in the middle of arguments. That said, option 2 was better for me because it didn't go too far into the details that don't matter (i.e. your friend's names that were having the argument).

Good luck!




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