New Final Draft-->After incorporating tips from you guys!

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Anonymous User
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New Final Draft-->After incorporating tips from you guys!

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Dec 23, 2013 9:19 pm

My palms began to sweat as I neared the entrance to my grandfather’s house. From the distance, I spot a group of police officers chatting among themselves. The officers had created a barrier around what I came to acknowledge later on as the “crime scene”. I had no idea what I was about to witness but the panic and fear in my mother’s voice over the phone warned me of an unknown horror to come.

As I slowly walked along the dirt road to my grandfather’s modest wooden house, a pungent odor invaded my nose. To my direct left, I noticed a group standing nearby on the edge of an abandoned lot overgrown with grass. Among the group were a few of my relatives, their soft cries reinforced my fears, I knew then that someone had left us. That was January 5th 2012 and the scent that filled the air was that of the decomposed flesh of my Aunt’s one week old corpse. She was my mother’s youngest sister, a 52 year old mentally challenged woman. Her assailant sexually assaulted her then murdered her as she made her way home after spending the weekend at my mother’s house.

My sorrow following her death was momentarily overshadowed by feelings of déjà vu. It is May 1998; the victim’s name is XXX. X, was an eleven year old middle class boy of African descent who attended the pool party of a wealthy classmate. Upon his Aunt’s arrival to collect him from the party, it was discovered that he was missing. After hours of searching the premises and surrounding area, X’s dead body is found in the pool, the next morning. He is clad in a red over sized men’s swimming trunk. Police investigations later reveal that he was sexually molested and bludgeoned. I was ten years old at the time of X’s murder, I remember feeling sad but not knowing why, I did not know the child yet I felt sorrow at his passing. No arrest was ever made although there were only twenty five people present at the party, seven of whom were adult males. After several legal courtroom inquiries into the investigation and re-opening of the case no one has ever been arrested for his murder. Like the X case, my Aunt’s case is unsolved. In both cases, DNA found at the crime scene is never tested; key evidence is destroyed or goes missing.

The death of my Aunt and cases like the X case shows that there is need for improvement in the Judicial System of my country at all levels. I believe that a law degree would equip me with the knowledge that is required to undertake such a task. The gruesome murder of my Aunt is the catalyst that has forced me to no longer be complacent. It has taught me that life is short and that you should live your life doing something that you believe in. I believe in the law and I believe that with the right people and the right motives, the law can deliver justice for all.

Here is the old one-->http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=221673

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scoobysnax
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Re: New Final Draft-->After incorporating tips from you guys!

Postby scoobysnax » Tue Dec 24, 2013 3:28 am

"Like the X case, my Aunt’s case is unsolved. In both cases, DNA found at the crime scene is never tested; key evidence is destroyed or goes missing.

The death of my Aunt and cases like the X case shows that there is need for improvement in the Judicial System of my country at all levels. I believe that a law degree would equip me with the knowledge that is required to undertake such a task."

Why a lawyer? If all you're concerned about is improving our judicial system and testing evidence, you could also be a police officer, a crime scene analyst, etc. Talk about why a good lawyer could have changed the situations you mentioned and why you would be a good lawyer. Having a good reason isn't enough.

Anonymous User
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Re: New Final Draft-->After incorporating tips from you guys!

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 24, 2013 7:12 am

scoobysnax wrote:Why a lawyer? If all you're concerned about is improving our judicial system and testing evidence, you could also be a police officer, a crime scene analyst, etc. Talk about why a good lawyer could have changed the situations you mentioned and why you would be a good lawyer. Having a good reason isn't enough.


Thanks, I feel like I and missing that why law and why I would be a great lawyer link. My PS is short so I have room to add to it.

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encore1101
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Re: New Final Draft-->After incorporating tips from you guys!

Postby encore1101 » Tue Dec 24, 2013 5:48 pm

I'd take out "It is May 1998." That line makes it sound like a set-up for a movie or something. Instead, consider "by feelings of deja vu from an incident that occurred in May 1998, almost 14 years prior to my Aunt's death."

I agree with scoobysnax that the connection between law and your essay isn't there. Also, don't confuse "judicial process," which usually refers to what occurs after charges have been filed and the case is heard in court, with the criminal justice system, which sounds like more of what you're referring to.

Also, are you not from the U.S.? I ask because of the line "need for improvement in the Judicial System of my country."

Anonymous User
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Re: New Final Draft-->After incorporating tips from you guys!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 25, 2013 12:01 am

encore1101 wrote:I'd take out "It is May 1998." That line makes it sound like a set-up for a movie or something. Instead, consider "by feelings of deja vu from an incident that occurred in May 1998, almost 14 years prior to my Aunt's death."


lol yeah I know it does, someone on here told me to be more flowery with my writing so I tried lol. I will change it

encore1101 wrote:I agree with scoobysnax that the connection between law and your essay isn't there. Also, don't confuse "judicial process," which usually refers to what occurs after charges have been filed and the case is heard in court, with the criminal justice system, which sounds like more of what you're referring to.


I am still working on this part of the PS

encore1101 wrote:Also, are you not from the U.S.? I ask because of the line "need for improvement in the Judicial System of my country."


Nope, I don't live in the US. Thanks for the feedback :)

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wealtheow
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Re: New Final Draft-->After incorporating tips from you guys!

Postby wealtheow » Wed Dec 25, 2013 11:04 pm

A few things.
Above all, I'm sorry you and your family went through this.

Not sure who told you to be flowery, but it's too much now. It's redundant in parts, overdetailed in others, I think because you are deliberately to amp up the language? It needs to be toned down. With that said, there are some details that bring this to life now, ones that I think you should retain - the sweating palms, the pungent odor - albeit they need to be refined. Your first two paras can be streamlined and shortened (and then, you can devote more time to the WHY LAW). For instance-


I could feel my palms begin to sweat almost as soon as I got off the phone with my mother; I wasn't sure what to expect, but the panic and fear in her voice meant it couldn't be good. Sure enough, as soon as I approached my grandfather's old house, I spotted a group of police officers chatting amongst themselves. Members of my family lingered at a distance, weeping softly. And there was a pungent smell in the air I did not recognize...

That was January 5th, 2012, and the scent that filled the air was that of the decomposition; I had walked onto a crime scene. The victim was my aunt, a 52 year old mentally challenged woman. She had been sexually assaulted and murdered as she made her way home after spending the weekend at my mother’s house.


To me it is clear that the connection to law, for you, is concern for justice. as others said, the focus needs to shift a bit to concern about the specific kind of justice lawyers can exact, as opposed to police or forensics teams, etc. this can be done in a few thoughtful sentences.

Also, more generally, you have some grammatical errors that need fixing (i bolded two such instances in my edit above)- there are lots of missing commas throughout.

Hope this helps :)

Anonymous User
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Re: New Final Draft-->After incorporating tips from you guys!

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Dec 28, 2013 9:48 am

wealtheow wrote:Above all, I'm sorry you and your family went through this.


Thank you

wealtheow wrote:Not sure who told you to be flowery, but it's too much now. It's redundant in parts, overdetailed in others, I think because you are deliberately to amp up the language? It needs to be toned down. With that said, there are some details that bring this to life now, ones that I think you should retain - the sweating palms, the pungent odor - albeit they need to be refined. Your first two paras can be streamlined and shortened (and then, you can devote more time to the WHY LAW). For instance-


I could feel my palms begin to sweat almost as soon as I got off the phone with my mother; I wasn't sure what to expect, but the panic and fear in her voice meant it couldn't be good. Sure enough, as soon as I approached my grandfather's old house, I spotted a group of police officers chatting amongst themselves. Members of my family lingered at a distance, weeping softly. And there was a pungent smell in the air I did not recognize...

That was January 5th, 2012, and the scent that filled the air was that of the decomposition; I had walked onto a crime scene. The victim was my aunt, a 52 year old mentally challenged woman. She had been sexually assaulted and murdered as she made her way home after spending the weekend at my mother’s house.

To me it is clear that the connection to law, for you, is concern for justice. as others said, the focus needs to shift a bit to concern about the specific kind of justice lawyers can exact, as opposed to police or forensics teams, etc. this can be done in a few thoughtful sentences.

Also, more generally, you have some grammatical errors that need fixing (i bolded two such instances in my edit above)- there are lots of missing commas throughout


This is exactly the type of critique that I am looking for, can I PM you for some more details/help with editing?




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