PS Critique - please rip this apart!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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PS Critique - please rip this apart!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Dec 19, 2013 4:15 am

Thanks for the feedback
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 19, 2013 7:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: PS Critique - please rip this apart!

Postby oshberg28 » Thu Dec 19, 2013 12:35 pm

I had trouble reading through the first couple of paragraphs - you were saying a whole lot but not saying much at all. I skimmed through the rest and found this paragraph which contains a lot of potential for a bigger story. I think you should refocus your PS on one of the below bolded items:

At the same time, the form also reminds me I once hoped to realize my dreams one day. I put that aside to prioritize financial issues, but I have not given up on it. I have tried to figure out my interests by participating in clubs, volunteer organizations, and internships. These activities have allowed me to explore different walks of life, from interviewing North Korean refugees for the school magazine of which I am now the Editor-in-Chief, to building a new school in Chiang Mai, Thailand, where there is little access to education as part of a project with NYU Alternative Breaks, to helping victims of a scam recover more than $50,000 with my research internship. I have met so many people with civil rights issues who either do not understand the situation or cannot turn their problem into a case because they cannot afford a lawyer. I emphasized with them because I know what it feels like to feel confused and helpless, desperate for any solution, for any advice. I also realized that there’s more than empathy, I enjoy improving people’s lives, and I actively want to help them solve their problems and give them a second chance for a better life, like how I got a second chance at college.

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