Please Delete

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273348
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Please Delete

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 18, 2013 4:41 pm

Thanks for the input thus far, I'm going to continue to work on it and post a second draft soon. Mods can delete this.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 19, 2013 8:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: P.S. First Draft - Please Critique!

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Dec 18, 2013 9:18 pm

Let's start with one paragraph.
During my senior year of high school was really when my perspectives began to change.

Is it a good idea to write sentence like "During high school was when something started to change..." I'm not going to tell you who, what or why. But now you know when. Is it too difficult to use the active voice and powerful verbs? Try this: In my senior year in high school I finally found an academic subject that grabbed me by the shoulders and said "I matter, and you better figure that out if you want to matter!



One of the most influential factors than shaped my outlook was deciding to embark upon the quest that was AP U.S. Government and AP Economics.

I don't even know where to start here. Why all this disconnected stupid prepositional phrases? Try this: Despite my prior complacency, I dared to take an AP classes in government and economics. The work was harder but the teachers were better. I was challenged, but never bored. And for the first time, the subject matter came alive. It mattered.



I never had a strong interest in the social sciences, and as a result lacked a fundamental understanding of the greater social dynamics in the world around me.

Why do people feel compelled to put a full argument in every sentence, do you think your reader is unable to pick up your implication of cause and effect? You need to have more faith in the reader, and if you write better, they will go where you want them to go. Also don't ever say something like "a fundamental understanding of the greater social dynamics in the world around me." It means nothing and makes you sound fake smart.



Through a combination of great teachers and a newfound curiosity for a concept that was previously largely foreign to me, I had started to see education and the pursuit of knowledge and truth from a truly different perspective.

See above. This conclusory sentence can be rewritten as, "Education mattered." or "As I engaged the teachers and the subject full stop, I understood its relevance." Notice I did not say my attitude changed. I told the reader what it changed to.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273348
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: P.S. First Draft - Please Critique!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 18, 2013 9:52 pm

Thank you for the input! As I said, it's my first draft, and there is certainly a lot of room to make corrections. I agree with just about everything you said, but it's harder to notice these things in my own work. That's definitely helpful, thanks again!




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