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In retrospect, I don't think I'll be able to make this topic work as much as I want it to, so I"m scrapping it. Thanks for the input everyone!

I could only imagine a career that would allow me to make a difference in peoples’ lives.
^^i feel like you equivocate this sentiment with justice later in the PS. as in this seems like your passion here in the paper, and then later it is justice. i see what you mean and they can be construed as one in the same but its good to clearly link them

and 2nd. if gridlock/compromise/ineffectiveness deterred you from politics, i cant speak cause im not an attorney or in law school yet (god willing) but ive interned at 2 firms and it seems like theres a lot of that shit too in law. so maybe try and make it more personal, something to the effect of, i realized i couldnt impact political policy like i thought but i know as an attorney i can make a difference in individual lives and maybe this can be a more central theme than rather saying looks politics was just muddle bullshit where no one got anything done im going to go to law where this NEVER happens lol.... just an idea.

use I wanted to fight against injustices and to do work that would make a difference in peoples’ live

and this line i would take the "to" out

but other than that shits solid bro. good stuff

You seem lost and depressed. Almost, spiritually lost. Your piece is spreckled with words like believe, faith, conviction, passion, "I can only imagine", and "What am I doing here?" Your piece is nihilistic. Are you hiding something?

I would go somewhere warm (like Hawaii) and rewrite this. This is too down. Also, two years is not enough time to become that jaded. It makes you seem like you lack that certain something.

kublaikahn wrote:You seem lost and depressed. Almost, spiritually lost. Your piece is spreckled with words like believe, faith, conviction, passion, "I can only imagine", and "What am I doing here?" Your piece is nihilistic. Are you hiding something?

I would go somewhere warm (like Hawaii) and rewrite this. This is too down. Also, two years is not enough time to become that jaded. It makes you seem like you lack that certain something.

You have obviously never worked for the USG.

Your political opinions come across as fairly arrogant to me. Most adcoms are going to be fairly left-leaning, but as a libertarian reading anything where someone wants to take away freedoms or monopolize defense in the hands of the state makes my blood boil, so if you could tone that down, that would be a good idea imo, but I'm not sure adcoms would feel the same way. Just a thought.

deleted.

oshberg28 wrote:

kublaikahn wrote:You seem lost and depressed. Almost, spiritually lost. Your piece is spreckled with words like believe, faith, conviction, passion, "I can only imagine", and "What am I doing here?" Your piece is nihilistic. Are you hiding something?

I would go somewhere warm (like Hawaii) and rewrite this. This is too down. Also, two years is not enough time to become that jaded. It makes you seem like you lack that certain something.

You have obviously never worked for the USG.

Well played.