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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
frenkelj
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Nov 30, 2013 8:48 pm

Deleted

Postby frenkelj » Tue Dec 17, 2013 10:51 pm

In retrospect, I don't think I'll be able to make this topic work as much as I want it to, so I"m scrapping it. Thanks for the input everyone!
Last edited by frenkelj on Wed Dec 18, 2013 6:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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thevuch
Posts: 529
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:39 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby thevuch » Tue Dec 17, 2013 11:41 pm

I could only imagine a career that would allow me to make a difference in peoples’ lives.
^^i feel like you equivocate this sentiment with justice later in the PS. as in this seems like your passion here in the paper, and then later it is justice. i see what you mean and they can be construed as one in the same but its good to clearly link them

and 2nd. if gridlock/compromise/ineffectiveness deterred you from politics, i cant speak cause im not an attorney or in law school yet (god willing) but ive interned at 2 firms and it seems like theres a lot of that shit too in law. so maybe try and make it more personal, something to the effect of, i realized i couldnt impact political policy like i thought but i know as an attorney i can make a difference in individual lives and maybe this can be a more central theme than rather saying looks politics was just muddle bullshit where no one got anything done im going to go to law where this NEVER happens lol.... just an idea.

use I wanted to fight against injustices and to do work that would make a difference in peoples’ live

and this line i would take the "to" out

but other than that shits solid bro. good stuff

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Dec 18, 2013 12:39 am

You seem lost and depressed. Almost, spiritually lost. Your piece is spreckled with words like believe, faith, conviction, passion, "I can only imagine", and "What am I doing here?" Your piece is nihilistic. Are you hiding something?

I would go somewhere warm (like Hawaii) and rewrite this. This is too down. Also, two years is not enough time to become that jaded. It makes you seem like you lack that certain something.

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oshberg28
Posts: 176
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:24 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby oshberg28 » Wed Dec 18, 2013 12:02 pm

kublaikahn wrote:You seem lost and depressed. Almost, spiritually lost. Your piece is spreckled with words like believe, faith, conviction, passion, "I can only imagine", and "What am I doing here?" Your piece is nihilistic. Are you hiding something?

I would go somewhere warm (like Hawaii) and rewrite this. This is too down. Also, two years is not enough time to become that jaded. It makes you seem like you lack that certain something.


You have obviously never worked for the USG.

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usernotfound
Posts: 292
Joined: Wed Sep 18, 2013 12:46 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby usernotfound » Wed Dec 18, 2013 2:46 pm

Your political opinions come across as fairly arrogant to me. Most adcoms are going to be fairly left-leaning, but as a libertarian reading anything where someone wants to take away freedoms or monopolize defense in the hands of the state makes my blood boil, so if you could tone that down, that would be a good idea imo, but I'm not sure adcoms would feel the same way. Just a thought.

frenkelj
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Nov 30, 2013 8:48 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby frenkelj » Wed Dec 18, 2013 4:47 pm

deleted.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Dec 18, 2013 7:19 pm

oshberg28 wrote:
kublaikahn wrote:You seem lost and depressed. Almost, spiritually lost. Your piece is spreckled with words like believe, faith, conviction, passion, "I can only imagine", and "What am I doing here?" Your piece is nihilistic. Are you hiding something?

I would go somewhere warm (like Hawaii) and rewrite this. This is too down. Also, two years is not enough time to become that jaded. It makes you seem like you lack that certain something.


You have obviously never worked for the USG.


Well played.




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