heres my first draft PS, rip it to shreds plz

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thevuch
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heres my first draft PS, rip it to shreds plz

Postby thevuch » Tue Dec 17, 2013 1:18 am

On the morning of February 20th, 2012, I faced adversity unlike anything I had ever known. Near the Mississippi-Alabama state line, under the influence of drugs, I lost control of my vehicle speeding down highway 78. In an attempt to rectify my course, I overcorrected and flipped my truck five times. In a daze, I came to consciousness shortly thereafter with glass everywhere, and the unforgettable sting of hot, wrangled steel and plastic dominating my senses. Miraculously unscathed, I exited my vehicle only to greet numerous police officers already at the scene. It was no mystery what had taken place. Shortly thereafter I was arrested for three misdemeanors and two felonies. At the time, it seemed like the worst day I had ever lived, and that my life was over. Indeed, the life I was living was over, but a new day was upon me. The attempts to escape what was taking place in my head for several years had finally resulted in my addiction beating me into submission. From that first night in jail, I knew I had to change.
For my entire life, I had relied on self-propulsion. I believed that I had control and that it was in my power to exert my will on the world. The events on that day changed me. I realized I needed something more. I needed guidance. I had to open myself up to something that possessed the capacity to alter my inherent constitution. For me, this something was of spiritual nature. In that jail cell, I opened my heart and soul to a power greater than myself, and I began accepting God’s will for my life. It has been the greatest decision I have ever made.
Since February 2012, my life has taken on an entire new meaning. I have discovered that my purpose is to help others and to be the best human being I can be. In the months remaining in 2012, I focused on myself. I directed my efforts towards healing my deepest wounds, and once this was sufficiently accomplished I turned my attention elsewhere. I began repairing the wreckage I had left in my path of destruction. This took time, and it will never be completed because I will forever be indebted to the power which saved my life that day and ultimately graced me with a new way of living. However, by Spring of 2013, it was time to return to school.
Upon arrival, I realized I had a newfound passion for academia. I fell in love with my majors, philosophy and political science, all over again. I was eager to learn, and I was even more eager to become involved. I never knew I could enjoy the pursuit of knowledge so much. Realizing my passion, I became interested in the creation of a new student organization, what is now known as the Student Fellowship of Philosophy at UAB. After a few preliminary meetings that were combined with recruitment and awareness efforts, we held elections. I gave an impromptu speech explaining my vision, and was elected president. From that moment, I knew it was on me to make this organization flourish, and I would not have had it any other way. In order to facilitate this I did a number of things. I wrote our constitution, I underwent the process to have our group officially recognized, I stood for our budget hearing and successfully granted our group $850, I ran almost all recruitment efforts, and I mediated and coordinated each and every group meeting. I love philosophy, and I relished at the opportunity to share my love and passion with other students at UAB. By the end of our semester, our meeting attendance averaged around thirty people, which is unheard of for a brand new student organization. In the midst of all this excitement regarding school, I found myself wondering one day what would be next, since I am on track to graduate in May.
I had always been open to the idea, but immediately upon asking myself this question the thought that came to mind was law school. It was simple. I had been saved by the justice system. The institution of law and its enforcement in the State of Alabama had rescued me from myself. For the longest time, I assumed the purpose of the law was to keep people in check. However, I have realized through my own experience that it is about bringing justice to the world and making it a better place. The justice system has rehabilitated me, and it has given me a second chance at life. I want to give back to the institution that has blessed me so much. I want to help the world the same way it has helped me.
Last edited by thevuch on Tue Dec 17, 2013 3:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lawschool2014hopeful
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Re: heres my first draft PS, rip it to shreds plz

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Tue Dec 17, 2013 2:50 pm

4/10, I am being generous.

1) Starting with a cliche metaphor is bad enough, but you had to add in 2 sentences
2) Okay, the initial car crash to need to change was somewhat convincing
3) From there on, it reads like a spiritual advertisement and how you found God, but you did it poorly. Why did you open up to God or became more spiritual?
4) Dont try to write too flowery "altering my inherent constitution" wtf are you even referring to? I get the general idea, but is better to be more precise with you descriptions so it leaves the readers with a greater imagery impact
5) I have no idea why you suddenly found an urge to help people, random jump
6) Again, another random jump to academia
7) Starting a new club with a $850 budget is not exciting, what was your vision anyways?
8) Cheesy close with the whole law helping people, not touched upon enough

Overall, you try to write too much in this.

Pick 1 or 2 themes you want to focus on, and FEW powerful anecdotes along with it.

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thevuch
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Re: heres my first draft PS, rip it to shreds plz

Postby thevuch » Tue Dec 17, 2013 3:49 pm

thanks so much man. i appreciate the input really.
ill say
1. fair enough, i was worried about that coming off cheesy.
2. it certainly was for me
3. its my personal statement, i do my best to live a god-centered life in order to stay sober. because it was this approach that kept my from returning to addiction, im in recovery you know.
4. my inherent constitution as an addict. but i see how its flowery, what would you recommend for greater imagery impact?
5. i realize i dont say this, but my interpretation of god's will is to help others.
6. ive read in the TLS PS book that academic curiosity/passion was something people looked for when they read this. so i figured it was important to implement, do you think otherwise?
7. and i was worried about this, my prelaw advisor found this impressive tho and said i should talk about it in my statement. (she said it exhibited leadership and drive)

and i guess the most powerful theme is the car crash/overcoming addiction/being saved by the justice system/ and this motivating me to become interested in law. i see how it can be cheesy but its the truth you know. i mean if i hadnt of been arrested, entered drug court via mercy by the judge and had the accountability i would have never gotten clean you know. i mean i guess it cheesy but i am a successful case of rehabilitation.

but thanks again man ill get back to it, and the above comments arent me trying to be contrary just thats my perspective. but i understand i need to make my ideas more clear you know. it being my personal statement, its how i live my life today. i was a heroin addict, then i got arrested, and realized i needed help, started to believe in god, entered drug court and have lived my life by spiritual principles since and its worked for me, got back into school, and excelled you know... what do you think i should change in light of what ive said?

lawschool2014hopeful
Posts: 554
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:48 pm

Re: heres my first draft PS, rip it to shreds plz

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Thu Dec 19, 2013 5:08 pm

thevuch wrote:thanks so much man. i appreciate the input really.
ill say
1. fair enough, i was worried about that coming off cheesy.
2. it certainly was for me
3. its my personal statement, i do my best to live a god-centered life in order to stay sober. because it was this approach that kept my from returning to addiction, im in recovery you know.
4. my inherent constitution as an addict. but i see how its flowery, what would you recommend for greater imagery impact?
5. i realize i dont say this, but my interpretation of god's will is to help others.
6. ive read in the TLS PS book that academic curiosity/passion was something people looked for when they read this. so i figured it was important to implement, do you think otherwise?
7. and i was worried about this, my prelaw advisor found this impressive tho and said i should talk about it in my statement. (she said it exhibited leadership and drive)

and i guess the most powerful theme is the car crash/overcoming addiction/being saved by the justice system/ and this motivating me to become interested in law. i see how it can be cheesy but its the truth you know. i mean if i hadnt of been arrested, entered drug court via mercy by the judge and had the accountability i would have never gotten clean you know. i mean i guess it cheesy but i am a successful case of rehabilitation.

but thanks again man ill get back to it, and the above comments arent me trying to be contrary just thats my perspective. but i understand i need to make my ideas more clear you know. it being my personal statement, its how i live my life today. i was a heroin addict, then i got arrested, and realized i needed help, started to believe in god, entered drug court and have lived my life by spiritual principles since and its worked for me, got back into school, and excelled you know... what do you think i should change in light of what ive said?


I am not sure what to write exactly, that part is up to you. But I like how you just clearly stated the purpose of your statement in that one sentence. You just need to make sure to make me that. You dont need to write why law exactly at the end.




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