2nd Personal Statement Revision, appreciate the feedback!

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bisanch
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:19 pm

2nd Personal Statement Revision, appreciate the feedback!

Postby bisanch » Mon Dec 16, 2013 1:50 am

Thank you for everyone who has given me feedback. I made some changes accordingly, but I'm still concerned for grammatical mistakes and diction. Please let me know how it looks!

The relationship my parents shared was neither functional nor passionate, as it originated from a local matchmaker in Seoul. The lack of communication restricted any opportunities to understand each other. A small crack in their opinion became a crevice, a fissure, then an impasse – compromise became a strange concept. My parents tried to glue whatever they had left of their marriage by having me, a common denominator. Unintentionally, my parents created a stressful household, suppressing and coercing every expression and action. I was constantly reminded to think before acting or speaking in the fear of destroying my family. A blessing in disguise, this volatile household became essential to my growth of adaptability and maturity. I learned to shift my perspective and present myself to accompany each parent, manifesting the illusion of happiness and cohesion.

Disillusionment by my parents’ divorce did not release me from my role as the communicative vehicle. It advanced me into a mediator. I had to acquire the skill of extracting relevant information from emotional baggage as I facilitated splitting twenty-five years of marriage, as soon as possible. My father’s “secret” gambling habits placed my mother’s promised alimony at risk. Everyday passed without settlement increased my mother’s hysteria, and I was her catharsis. I thought I would have to open Pandora’s Box for the settlement to be reached. However, I did not confront my father, because I value the relationship I share with both my parents. Mentioning the gambling habit he thought he had hidden from us was irrelevant, if not detrimental to the purpose of the settlement. I understood my mother’s desire to point at faults to justify her perspective on their divorce, but my responsibility was to be the bridge not the finger.

The skills gained from my parents’ unsuccessful marriage continue to benefit me. At the firm I currently intern with focuses on personal injuries and medical malpractice; many clients are emotionally distressed from physical harm to close relatives, or themselves. The expedited maturation and developed adaptability translated into my internship by allowing me to handle potential clients. Sorting out necessary information for a case versus empathetically listening to a story had become a balancing game, which I excelled at because of my relationship with my parents.

Considering this my first office experience, adapting to the new environment was fairly smooth. I quickly recognized what the attorneys wanted from me and became aware of the small office dynamics. Because I lacked legal expertise, what I could contribute to the firm was clearly limited. I saw that as an intern, meeting expectations mostly meant demonstrating attractive character. By bringing enthusiasm, initiative, and intellectual curiosity, I generated a favorable image in the office. The experiences at home honed me to be hyperaware of others and act accordingly to satisfy, or impress them in their perception of me. However, without legal education, I could not offer anything more to the clients, or the firm.

My personal life established a pertinent background and a set of skills applicable to most careers. My childhood constructed me into a flexible bridge, able to close schisms between conflicting parties. It developed my character to be more empathetic, capable of managing biases, and adaptable. The internship allowed me to cultivate and apply these qualities, testing my limits and teaching me humility. Through work experience, I noted the synergy between my qualities and a legal career. I am excited at the prospect that [law school] will reinforce my current skill set into strengths available to both my clients and myself.

lawschool2014hopeful
Posts: 554
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:48 pm

Re: 2nd Personal Statement Revision, appreciate the feedback!

Postby lawschool2014hopeful » Tue Dec 17, 2013 3:02 pm

6/10.

1) Your dysfunctional family and how it connects to law was a good idea, but your execution felt forced.
2) Why cant your parents communicate with each other? I am confused?
3) You spend too much time talking about your parent's dysfunction, the whole pandora's box part really felt dragged on. The focus should be on how you changed, and you kind already gotten to it by 2nd paragraph, you learned perspective, but then you went back to communicating the idea that your family was dysfunctional, this is not the sort of circle or "closure" people like.
4) Just what are you trying to communicate with your discussion of your firm experience? That you were a fun person to be around?
5) Since you ended with the whole this is why I wanted to go law school tidbit, I have to be critical in saying that I am not convinced at all. You keep telling me what skills or qualities you learnt rather through demonstration.




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