1st, VERY rough draft. Please be critical!

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jeff4304
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Dec 11, 2013 12:55 pm

1st, VERY rough draft. Please be critical!

Postby jeff4304 » Sun Dec 15, 2013 8:49 pm

This is the first draft of my personal statement. It is by no means a finished product, but it's a jumping off point. Any critique and advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you!





The summer air was stifling. One hundred ten degree heat, dust, and the weight of a flak jacket with full combat load is enough to make anyone feel as though they’re standing in an oven. As sweat beads ran down my face I could feel my undershirt saturating even as I sat in the hold of the CH-47 Chinook, anxiously awaiting take off. The flight from Al-Qaim to Al-Asad, Iraq was scheduled to take just over an hour, but at this point the minutes dragged on like hours. On any normal occasion I would have been delighted to be traveling by helicopter; besides, I love flying and it sure beats walking or sitting in the driver’s seat of a cramped HMMWV for hours on end. Then again, this day was anything but typical. The date was August 3, 2007; my charge was to be the armed escort for the body of a fallen Marine over the first leg of its long trip home. I was struck with simultaneous feelings of immense pride and profound sorrow as I prepared to undertake the task which remains the most difficult and rewarding I have yet to complete.

Seated adjacent to the flag-draped body bag, I felt extremely indebted to and awed by a Marine whom I had never met, but had given what President Lincoln referred to as the last full measure of devotion. My thoughts soon drifted to the young Marine’s family, whose lives would never again be whole, and to the thousands of military families, akin to my own, living with the ever-present fear of losing a loved one to a conflict on the far side of the globe. I began to consider the implications of what it means to be a citizen, a serviceman, and a patriot, as well as how the course of my own life would be inextricably linked to my experiences of war and the military. I did not decide that I wanted to be a lawyer that day; however, I did come to the conclusion that although I would one day take off the uniform, my commitment to service would not end with my enlistment, but would continue for as long as I could still contribute meaningfully.

My decision to attend law school is a direct consequence of my inextinguishable desire to continue serving my community and country. Perhaps due to its enormous impact on my life, my long-term career goal is to be in a position where I will have some measure of influence, whether large or small, on U.S. foreign policy in addition to someday running for public office. While I have not yet decided which type of law I would like to practice, my belief is that a legal career affords me the best opportunity of achieving my long-term career goals and having a meaningful impact on the health and well-being of my community and my country.

jeff4304
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Dec 11, 2013 12:55 pm

Re: 1st, VERY rough draft. Please be critical!

Postby jeff4304 » Mon Dec 16, 2013 7:06 pm

ttt

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Gooner91
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Joined: Fri Nov 15, 2013 5:34 pm

Re: 1st, VERY rough draft. Please be critical!

Postby Gooner91 » Mon Dec 16, 2013 7:12 pm

It seems odd to me to refer to the fallen Marine as "its".

jeff4304
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Dec 11, 2013 12:55 pm

Re: 1st, VERY rough draft. Please be critical!

Postby jeff4304 » Mon Dec 16, 2013 7:23 pm

Thank you. Had not caught that.




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