5th draft PS

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gurlja18
Posts: 37
Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2012 4:20 pm

5th draft PS

Postby gurlja18 » Sat Dec 14, 2013 8:00 pm

V
Last edited by gurlja18 on Sun Dec 15, 2013 10:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

nagelbett
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 11:09 pm

Re: 5th draft PS

Postby nagelbett » Sat Dec 14, 2013 10:14 pm

Here are some revisions that I think improve your PS a little bit.
Overall, I like the topic and you come across genuine. However, you might want to add more details about your experiences teaching into the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. I suggest expanding the story about your "campaign." The PS could use more info about your development or maybe upbringing. For a reader it would helpful to get to know you better as opposed to hear only how bad the education currently is.

I hope this helps.

_____

As a young girl, I learned that my mother could barely read. She left school as a teenager to help provide for her parents and eight siblings. Education was a privilege that she—like many other kids in Kingston, Jamaica—could not afford. Today, seventeen years after our migration to America, I am proud to be the first in my family to graduate from high school and college. Inspired by my mother’s tenacity, I am dedicated to provide education opportunities to those who need it the most.

However, my success story is only one of the few among the many that have become statistics on the wrong end of the achievement gap. Growing up in a poor neighborhood, I noticed that education policies which are designed to promote access to education for children from low-income families are failing us. Too many kids are predicted to drop out of school by age fifteen. Since education is nearly unattainable for a large segment of the population, I became interested in education reform.

During college, I seized the opportunity to expand upon my interest in education. Together with a group of like-minded friends, I chartered Org C, a community service organization with the mission to increase the number of African-American students matriculating to college. We started in local middle and high schools, where most students, like me, were brought up in impoverished, single-parent households. Our shared background allowed me to fuel a supportive environment, where the studens could break through the challenges they faced. We hosted programs that raised student awareness, and recruited over 500 fellow college students to help tutor younger students within City X schools and community centers. Through mentorship and leadership, we empowered students, boosted their confidence, and sparked a desire for academic success.

Currently, I volunteer full-time at a charter public elementary school, tutoring literacy and math. A few months in to my job, I am becoming aware of the hard work required to get my students ready for college. Growing dropout rates and declining college matriculation show that the laws designed to reform our education have not been effective for the impoverished youth. My work inside the classroom has given me insight into treating the disparities in the system. By obtaining a law degree, I will be in an optimal position to enact change. I am passionate about becoming a leader in education reform.

My campaign for greater childhood education has been my greatest achievement. I have learned that to lead the fight, I must show resolve, patience, and grit. My mother’s hopeful spirit pushes me to pursue this ambitious goal: To ensure that children from every background have equal access to education. Knowing that there aren’t many lawyers with my background pushes me to work harder. I am confident that a law degree will equip me with the skills to help pursue this cause.

gurlja18
Posts: 37
Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2012 4:20 pm

Re: 5th draft PS

Postby gurlja18 » Sat Dec 14, 2013 11:58 pm

Thank you do much!!! I agree that I need to add more details to the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs but I'm finding it difficult to do that while still sticking to the two page limit




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