Almost finalized PS, tips appreciated! Forum

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the tips, I'll be sending this out real soon. Mods please delete!

[kublaikahn]

No, this sucks.

First, it is a resume regurgitation.

Second, nobody talks that way in real life. Example "The joy of achievement through my own work was an emotion I was genuinely proud to feel." Should be something like: "I felt proud and happy." By the way, people feel proud of their success, not that they felt an emotion. Your sentence is grammatically improper.


Speaking of grammar, don't make mistakes. Example: "The hours I spent in the lab has made me a more perceptive, responsible scholar." These simple mistakes contradict your implication that you are careful, disciplined, or a "scholar."

Start over with a real thesis that tells us something about you other what is in your application And for what its worth, i don't think the reader needs to be reminded Charles Darwin is "famous for his theory of evolution."

[jac101689]

No, this sucks.

First, it is a resume regurgitation.

Second, nobody talks that way in real life. Example "The joy of achievement through my own work was an emotion I was genuinely proud to feel." Should be something like: "I felt proud and happy." By the way, people feel proud of their success, not that they felt an emotion. Your sentence is grammatically improper.


Speaking of grammar, don't make mistakes. Example: "The hours I spent in the lab has made me a more perceptive, responsible scholar." These simple mistakes contradict your implication that you are careful, disciplined, or a "scholar."

Start over with a real thesis that tells us something about you other what is in your application And for what its worth, i don't think the reader needs to be reminded Charles Darwin is "famous for his theory of evolution."

This critique is mostly wrong in my opinion. The overall assessment SUCKS in my opinion.

Fine: "have" instead of "has" in that one sentence; and yes, the reminder that Darwin was the guy who constructed the theory of evolution is unnecessary. I still like the opening.

And the comment that people don't feel emotions when they're successful says a lot about the critic and nothing about what you wrote. Beyond that, there's nothing "grammatically improper" about saying you responded emotionally to a success...

Also, the critic has no idea what the rest of your application looks like. This is a great PS overall.

Good luck!

[Emma.]

No, this sucks.

First, it is a resume regurgitation.

Second, nobody talks that way in real life. Example "The joy of achievement through my own work was an emotion I was genuinely proud to feel." Should be something like: "I felt proud and happy." By the way, people feel proud of their success, not that they felt an emotion. Your sentence is grammatically improper.


Speaking of grammar, don't make mistakes. Example: "The hours I spent in the lab has made me a more perceptive, responsible scholar." These simple mistakes contradict your implication that you are careful, disciplined, or a "scholar."

Start over with a real thesis that tells us something about you other what is in your application And for what its worth, i don't think the reader needs to be reminded Charles Darwin is "famous for his theory of evolution."

This critique is mostly wrong in my opinion. The overall assessment SUCKS in my opinion.

Fine: "have" instead of "has" in that one sentence; and yes, the reminder that Darwin was the guy who constructed the theory of evolution is unnecessary. I still like the opening.

And the comment that people don't feel emotions when they're successful says a lot about the critic and nothing about what you wrote. Beyond that, there's nothing "grammatically improper" about saying you responded emotionally to a success...

Also, the critic has no idea what the rest of your application looks like. This is a great PS overall.

Good luck!

Tend to agree with kublaikahn's "sucks" assessment.