Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Dec 14, 2013 4:23 pm

deleted
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

jac101689
Posts: 139
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

Postby jac101689 » Sat Dec 14, 2013 7:12 pm

This isn't nearly ready in my opinion.

I don't find the delivery of the story compelling at all and in too many places you seem to be lacking fundamental grounding in grammar. Please read it aloud. Some of the sentences are riddled with punctuation errors that disrupt the flow. Also, some of the constructions are frustratingly organized and hard to understand.

"During this time, the study of philosophy, critical analysis, and cultural theory had the most significant impact on me and the legal system began to appeal to me as a manifestation of the powerful, foundational structure these ideas provide for our society. " Here's an opportunity to explore your motivations to go to law school and your qualifications. I would personally have a really difficult time writing about this in an interesting way but maybe it will be a better topic for you.

Assuming you want to keep this general topic, I think your essay would benefit from a stronger explanation of how your education helped relations with your daddio given how angry he was that you were pursuing it in the first place. If you somehow convinced him of the value of education, I think that could be a good topic. It would demonstrate your ability to influence people, an application of the skills you developed in school.

I'm sure you can do much better, man. Feel free to PM me subsequent drafts.

kublaikahn
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Re: Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Dec 14, 2013 8:02 pm

...
Last edited by kublaikahn on Sun Dec 15, 2013 11:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jac101689
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Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

Postby jac101689 » Sat Dec 14, 2013 8:14 pm

So...you just rewrote his PS. Poor ethical and pedagogical form, dude.

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Dec 14, 2013 10:06 pm

jac101689 wrote:So...you just rewrote his PS. Poor ethical and pedagogical form, dude.


While it is nice to see what changes someone else would have made, I agree. I still greatly appreciate the gesture but I simply must use this as inspiration for future revisions rather than even heavily borrow from those suggestions.

Your advice was greatly appreciated as well. I just want to get this bad boy done with.

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Dec 14, 2013 11:19 pm

deleted
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

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luuma
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Re: Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

Postby luuma » Sun Dec 15, 2013 11:24 am

kublaikahn wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:I believe that this life is the entirety of my existence. The formation of this belief shaped my adolescence and formed a foundation for my adult experiences. The most powerful result of this formative idea is a drive for self improvement that I had never acknowledged or understood until the end of my high school career. Though I truly began to appreciate the dedication, and satisfaction, that accompanies truly significant self improvement, I felt that the most important aspect of my development was in furthering my education.

For this reason, I left my post-high school job as a machine technician and enrolled in community college for the fall. Though I felt confident in the decision, and assured my single father that I would find part-time work soon after settling into classes, arguments began about my decision to “throw away” a perfectly good job.


A desk is to an education as an education is to a man. Shortly after my first semester in college began, my father came home from work to find me building a desk and assumed I bought it for myself. Outraged that I would waste my savings while unemployed, he smashed the desk to pieces and threw me out of the house warning me not to return unless I had found a full time job. The desk was not mine. I was building it for a friend for extra money. And then I was faced with the choice to leave college or to leave my family home. I decided that if I dropped out, my father would have broken far more than the desk.

My father
He strongly felt that a college education should be an activity pursued, in my free time,as a compliment to without interfering with full time work, a stance my father had held since he dropped out of community college himself shortly after he earned his GED. And it may sound strange but the fact that I became an atheist in high school led me to reject my father's position, though I deeply respected the man. I believe that this life is the entirety of my existence. This belief formed in me a drive for self improvement because I believe what makes me relevant is figuring out what I can become, here and now. And I felt that the most important aspect of my development was in furthering my education.

For this reason, I had quit my job as a machine technician and enrolled in college. Having been evicted from my home, I found friends to take me in and worked odd jobs to make ends meet. In the beginning my schooling suffered like under the stress and consistent family turbulence. On the one hand I grew confident and proud, but on the other my father and I were essentially estranged.


Though I felt confident in the decision, and assured my single father that I would find part-time work soon after settling into classes, arguments began about my decision to “throw away” a perfectly good job.
Shortly after the semester began, my father came home from work to find me building a desk and assumed I bought it for myself. Outraged that I would waste my savings while being unemployed, he smashed the desk and threw me out of the house warning me not to return until I had found a full time job. I was building the desk for a friend for extra money. When faced with the decision to leave college or to leave my family home, I decided that developing both intellectually, and as a person, required me to pursue the formative opportunity of education.


Fortunately, I was taken in by friends, though my fall semester grades suffered between the search, and eventual working, of a retail position and consistent family turbulence. Despite the fact that my intellectual horizons and personal satisfaction improved dramatically, the relationship with my father did not and the first 2 years of my college career passed effectively estranged.

During this time, the study of philosophy, critical analysis, and cultural theory had the most significant impact on me and the legal system began to appeal to me as a manifestation of the powerful, foundational structure these ideas provide for our society. Armed with new tools, Though I would return to father’s house after my sophomore year to mend our relationship before I transferred to the state school, I did so with a managerial position at the retail store and 4.0 gpa for my sophomore year. In the reconciliation, we discussed our future as father and son, and my own academic and professional goals. I feel a great deal of this process was made possible by the study and development of my critical thinking and communication skills, and makes me believe that our relationship was saved through the cultivation and efficacy of these ideas.

----------

I'm ready to submit this bitch


I think you did a good job editing. The paper reads SO MUCH better where you started it. Amazing edits! OP, I'd def consider these edits.

jac101689
Posts: 139
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: Draft 2: Why I'm Here And Not Somewhere Else

Postby jac101689 » Sun Dec 15, 2013 11:41 am

Maybe I'm a boy scout but I think it's unethical and just a bad move to misrepresent your writing.




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