First PS revision, could really use some help

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First PS revision, could really use some help

Postby bisanch » Fri Dec 13, 2013 12:12 pm

My childhood dislike for going to English cram school in Seoul evolved into an interest in education. At the time I wanted to change the system because I wanted to go to the arcade, but now I see privatized educational institutions as a vehicle perpetuating inequality. My dream of becoming an education policymaker in South Korea gained structure as I declared sociology as my major. My undergraduate focus and my personal life established a pertinent background and a set of skills, but I needed to be certified as a professional in today’s society to be acknowledged. Observing my older brother, I realized pursuing a legal career as most relevant and effective next step.

The relationship my parents shared was neither functional nor passionate, as it originated from a local matchmaker in Seoul. The lack of communication disseminated any opportunities to understand each other. A small crack in their opinion became a crevice, a fissure, then an impasse – compromise became a strange concept. Living in this household meant coercion in every action and suppression of every expression, and I was constantly reminded to think before acting or speaking. A blessing in disguise, this volatile household became essential to my growth of adaptability and maturity. I learned to shift my perspective and body language to accompany each parent, manifesting the illusion of happiness and cohesion. In addition, I had to acquire the skill of extracting relevant information from emotional baggage as I continue to mediate negotiating splitting twenty-five years’ worth of marriage after the divorce. I became the bridge between my parents.

The skills gained from an unsuccessful marriage continue to benefit me, in both formal and informal situations. The expedited maturation and developed adaptability translated into my internship by allowing me to handle potential clients during my internship. Because the firm I interned at focused on personal injuries and medical malpractice, many clients were emotionally distressed from physical harm to themselves, or close relatives. Sorting out necessary information for a case versus empathetically listening to a story became a balancing game, which I excelled at. However, the lack of legal education limited what I could do for the clients.

Considering this my first office experience, adapting to the new environment was fairly smooth. I quickly recognized what the attorneys wanted from me and became aware of the small office dynamics. Because I lacked legal expertise, what I could contribute to the firm was clearly limited. I saw that as an intern, meeting expectations mostly meant demonstrating attractive character. By bringing enthusiasm, initiative, and intellectual curiosity, I adjusted to generate a favorable image in the small office. However, I crossed the line by becoming too personal with a co-worker. Talk about weekend plans broadcasted to the whole office due to its modest size. My unbridled persona increased susceptibility to unprofessionalism, teaching me that even personality is a balancing game necessarily adjusted accordingly to setting.

Recognizing the value of a legal education dawned on me again when my friend was charged with plagiarism. Due to the strict honor code of my university, my friend faced expulsion. I attended the initial meeting with the editors of the newspaper to get a grasp of the situation as a member of the section. As expected, high emotional level of my friend restricted effective communication. I naturally took on the role of mediator to sort relevant statements and pacify my heated friend. The meeting ended when the accusations and actions to be taken had been written on the whiteboard, organized into a nonpartisan perspective. Both parties understood that legal counsel was inevitable, and my friend had to hire help. I truly wish I could have advised him with more technical and concrete courses of action, but all I could do was support him at the trial as a friend.

My childhood constructed me into a flexible bridge, able to close schisms between conflicting parties. It developed my character to be more empathetic, capable of managing biases, and adaptable. Undergraduate experiences allowed me to cultivate and apply these qualities, testing my limits and teaching me humility. I am excited at the prospect that law school will be a new, challenging arena that can further hone these qualities by placing me in multifaceted environments, letting me take one step closer to my dream.

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Re: First PS revision, could really use some help

Postby luuma » Fri Dec 13, 2013 2:02 pm

At the time I wanted to change the system because I wanted to go to the arcade, but now I see privatized educational institutions as a vehicle perpetuating inequality.

Think you could make this less political sounding like...

As a child I wanted the system to be altered simply because I wanted to go to the arcade, but now I want it to change because I see privatized educational institutions as strongly influencing certain inequalities.

Idk something more LSAT-y, and less political [aka that can't be easily up for debate due to wording].

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Re: First PS revision, could really use some help

Postby jac101689 » Fri Dec 13, 2013 10:28 pm

I personally found the story about your friend's plagiarism hearing most interesting--I got a bit hooked! If I were you, I'd rebuild the essay around that. You might focus on what your friend was facing, what you did, and what the impact of your behavior was on the situation and on your interest in becoming a lawyer. As a stylistic note, switch the second and third sentences of that paragraph; it will make the setting clearer.

Don't write about your former "susceptibility to unprofessionalism" unless you're planning to go into detail about how you've evolved from there.

General notes:

The first paragraph has little connection to the rest of the piece; your interest in working toward educational equality doesn't come up again and in the last paragraph you shift to an interest in "multifaceted environments."

Also, saying that "undergraduate experiences" helped you cultivate empathy and mediation skills is real vague. I think you're referring to your sociology background and helping your friend the alleged plagiarist, but I don't know based on how you've written it. If you want to focus on this, I would suggest writing a personal statement about one or two of these experiences and their impact on you in detail.

This also needs proofreading; there are a good deal of misused and unnecessary words and some grammatical issues. If you haven't already, read the essay aloud. It might help you to bring this closer to how you would say it.

Verdict: this is a promising early draft. You have good stories, you have good reflective abilities, and you come across as a good person. But, this needs some more work! Feel free to PM me with any subsequent drafts or questions about my feedback. Best of luck to you!
Last edited by jac101689 on Fri Dec 13, 2013 10:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: First PS revision, could really use some help

Postby 03152016 » Fri Dec 13, 2013 10:33 pm


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