Please give me some feedback on my personal statement!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bisanch
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:19 pm

Please give me some feedback on my personal statement!

Postby bisanch » Thu Dec 12, 2013 12:19 am

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Last edited by bisanch on Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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lastsamurai
Posts: 978
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:17 am

Re: Please give me some feedback on my personal statement!

Postby lastsamurai » Thu Dec 12, 2013 4:51 pm

I think you need to do some serious editing, but it's always good to get something out on paper so you have somewhere to start.

The topic presented as is just isn't really that interesting or relevant. With the divorce rate where it is, you're not going to get any points for uniqueness, but if you write it well, it could pass as a PS. I think there's a somewhat viable topic here for a safe PS, but you've gotta consolidate the first two paragraphs and talk more about yourself.

I get the idea that trying to bring your parents together makes you want to be a lawyer who helps to bring people together, but it just came across very disjointed. There is way too much time spent on your parents divorce and nowhere near enough time spent on you. Also, it seemed chronologically out of order at the beginning with discussing how you saw your parent drift apart but then they had a child - you. How could you see it if you were still in the womb?

I'd also have a friend who is maybe an English major read over this prior to applying.

Just really do some editing, and take any other comments that you get seriously. Good luck!

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scoobysnax
Posts: 208
Joined: Fri Nov 15, 2013 3:51 pm

Re: Please give me some feedback on my personal statement!

Postby scoobysnax » Thu Dec 12, 2013 5:07 pm

This reminds me a little of my own PS!

I would combine the first two paragraphs (or cut out the first one...) and focus less on your parents and more on the skills you learned. Would definitely expand more on your time at the law firm. I'm sure you did more than just listen!

Overall, I think this is a good foundation, but you need to cut out the irrelevant parts and add more to make it stronger.




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