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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:23 am

Thanks!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 19, 2013 3:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: Second draft - please help!

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Tue Dec 10, 2013 2:50 am

Generally, I thought this was well written and interesting. It's not the most exciting of topics, but I wasn't bored. To me, your mother's issues and the relevant social and legal issues in China sound much more interesting, but I guess that ship has sailed.

However, there are a few points at which it becomes clear that English isn't your first language, and some other minor issues.

1. "Home losers." The term "loser" is pejorative in the English language. In other words, it sounds like you're insulting the people in question. You need a different term.

2. "After all, who else was to blame other than themselves?" This sounds ungrammatical.

3. I would delete the last two sentences of the first paragraph. They serve no useful purpose there.

4. "urged to the top." I think you mean "surged."

5. "the proper channel." For some reason, this is always phrased in the plural form "channels." I'm not sure why.

6. "regaining justice." In these situations, justice is usually thought of as something you gain, not something you had but lost.

7. "fighting for justice." Fight.

8. "until justice is restituted." Again, see 6.

9. The last three sentences of the last paragraph seem both bland and cliched. There's no real problem with them, but I think you can do better.

Anonymous User
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Re: Second draft - please help!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Dec 12, 2013 10:28 am

AntipodeanPhil wrote:Generally, I thought this was well written and interesting. It's not the most exciting of topics, but I wasn't bored. To me, your mother's issues and the relevant social and legal issues in China sound much more interesting, but I guess that ship has sailed.

However, there are a few points at which it becomes clear that English isn't your first language, and some other minor issues.

1. "Home losers." The term "loser" is pejorative in the English language. In other words, it sounds like you're insulting the people in question. You need a different term.

2. "After all, who else was to blame other than themselves?" This sounds ungrammatical.

3. I would delete the last two sentences of the first paragraph. They serve no useful purpose there.

4. "urged to the top." I think you mean "surged."

5. "the proper channel." For some reason, this is always phrased in the plural form "channels." I'm not sure why.

6. "regaining justice." In these situations, justice is usually thought of as something you gain, not something you had but lost.

7. "fighting for justice." Fight.

8. "until justice is restituted." Again, see 6.

9. The last three sentences of the last paragraph seem both bland and cliched. There's no real problem with them, but I think you can do better.

Thanks for your comments! I know the legal issues in China can be more interesting, but honestly, it's hard to construct a PS only around my involvement in my mom's issue.
May I PM you my revised draft later? Thank you!

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fltanglab
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Re: Second draft - please help!

Postby fltanglab » Thu Dec 12, 2013 3:07 pm

Another word choice correction: "conception" should be "perception"

When you make a parallel list, all the verbs need to match.

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scoobysnax
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Re: Second draft - please help!

Postby scoobysnax » Thu Dec 12, 2013 4:53 pm

Try not to use "justice" or some variation of it so much. In your fourth paragraph, it's used four times in four sentences. After that paragraph, I got annoyed every time I saw that word.

rstahl
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Re: Second draft - please help!

Postby rstahl » Thu Dec 12, 2013 5:43 pm

Sorry for the caps. Thought it'd be the easiest way to see what I was doing. Interesting read. It needs polishing. But I finalized my PS on like draft 13, so it will happen slowly. Apparently the strikethroughs didn't make their way from Word to my post. Hopefully it is still clear what I am referring to.

“What would you do if you could no longer pay your mortgage? Just leave the key and walk out of the house, pretending you never saw it.” WHO OR WHAT ARE YOU QUOTING? I was apathetic to these home losers A LITTLE TOO APATHETIC, COMES ACROSS BADLY when I first heard this story. “THIS STORY” IS NOT ELABORATED UPON UNTIL THE NEXT PARAGRAPH. USE U.S. HOUSING FORECLOSURE SCANDAL OR SOMETHING DESCRIPTIVE. RIGHT NOW, IT’S LIKE USING ‘HE’ BEFORE EVER MENTIONING ‘BOO RADLEY’. WHO IS HE? After all, who else was to blame other than themselves? WHAT SOMEONE ELSE SAID. THE TENSE AND FORM MAKES ME MAKE AN AWKWARD FACE. Two years later, a serendipitous job opportunity allowed me to gain a totally COMPLETELY different perspective on this matter, and guided me to contemplate my role in THE face of injustice VAGUE. While helping people recoup their losses from improperly handled foreclosures, I uncovered my ability to thrive in a challenging environment as well as my strong intellectual curiosity PUT MY STRONG INTELLECTUAL CURIOSITY FIRST. The enhanced understanding of my qualities and ambition has set the direction in which I will direct my efforts. ALMOST SEMANTICALLY NULL SENTENCE.

After college, I joined a risk review project, the purpose of which was to pick out SELECT/FIND/DISCOVER unlawful practices from the foreclosure proceedings handled by Wells Fargo Bank since 2009 and calculate the compensation borrowers would get. Albeit confused to hear that delinquent borrowers were due for compensation, I was extremely excited to learn that my quantitative analysis skills were needed for modeling WHAT IS MODELING?. However, on the first day of training, I was panicked to find myself AWKWARD, REPHRASE surrounded by trainees who went to law school, a mentor who had been a lawyer, and training materials covering mortgage servicing regulations without a single trace of mathematical application. My mind went blank, and the only thing I remembered at the end of the day was the lunch sandwich, which was as hard to swallow as those arcane legal terms. HA! My anxiety soon turned into fear. I wanted to bail out before being kicked out. TOO CONVERSATIONAL? SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE ABOUT TO SAY ‘BAILSKIES, BROSKI’

“Am I so easily defeated?” I paused to look back at each step I have taken: from China to the US, from the University of Wisconsin to Middlebury, and from doing calculations to debating the morality of war. I realized that every piece of progress I have made was the result of breaking out of my comfort zone. Since I could drive 2000 miles across nine states by myself in a foreign country, why couldn’t I grasp the foreclosure process? AVOID CONTRACTIONS WHEREVER POSSIBLE. SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T, ALMOST ALWAYS YOU CAN. I started gathering all the new terms covered at training, and spent my breaks researching their definitions as well as consulting experienced lawyers for their applications. I also created a graphical representation to help me comprehend the lifecycle of a mortgage. Gradually, I not only caught up, but also excelled. The accuracy rate of my analysis Surged to the top according to QA feedback, and our team lead began to assign me complex cases and charge me with rechecking other teammates’ analyses before they went through QA review.

With a more comprehensive understanding of the scenario, I became aware of how one-sided my conPERception of foreclosure was. It is true that a foreclosure always begins with default by a borrower, but this fact by no means justifies the bank’s collection activities after a borrower filed TENSE DISAGREEMENT for bankruptcy, charging exorbitant property inspection fees, NO COMMA NEEDED and miscalculating total debt, just to name a few. Even as the delinquent party, the borrowers still need to be treated justly, and their interests need to be represented. I feel fulfilled to be among those who fought for other people’s justice AWKWARD. When this project ended, I stopped defining myself as a math person BY MY MATHEMATICAL PROWESS?, and instead began to envision myself as an advocate for justice. When people lack relevant knowledge or have difficulty accessing the proper channelS, I want to voice their concerns to the legal system and assist them in regaining WEIRD VERB CHOICE justice.
TRANSITIONING SENTENCE WOULD BE NICE ATOP THE BELOW PARAGRAPH… I WAS ABLE TO EMPLOY THIS NEWFOUND DESIRE IN MY OWN FAMILY…YADA YADA
This fall, my mom was required by her university to teach at an affiliate but separate institution, which she refused due to health concerns. The university then withheld her salary as a punishment. While many imputed this conflict to my mom’s disobedience, I supported her decision to protect her own rights as well as her fighting for justice. I helped my mom research China’s labor law, and found that it is absolutely illegal to withhold salary from an employee without legitimate reasons. We are preparing for legal actions, and I will not give up until justice is restituted. JUSTICE ISN’T THE THING BEING RESTITUTED. RESTITUTION IS GIVEN TO A PARTY FOLLOWING A MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE, PERHAPS.

Both the foreclosure review project and my mother’s case add to my real-world experience, which taught me the significance of law to an individual’s welfare and a just society. I want to guard my family against injustice, and I also want to be a true difference maker. I know neither can be easily achieved, but I will invest all my energy in pursuing them. I hope the study of law would WILL be my arm when I am reaching far and beyond WHERE. Packed with determination, I am ready for the next journey
READ VERY CLOSELY FOR SUBJECT, VERB AGREEMENT AND TENSE CONSISTENCY THROUGHOUT THE PARAGRAPHS. IF I GOT CAUGHT BY SOME OF THE INCONSISTENCIES, SO WILL ADMISSIONS DEPTS.

Anonymous User
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Re: Second draft - please help!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 13, 2013 9:51 am

scoobysnax wrote:Try not to use "justice" or some variation of it so much. In your fourth paragraph, it's used four times in four sentences. After that paragraph, I got annoyed every time I saw that word.

Sorry about that :(

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Second draft - please help!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:03 am

scoobysnax wrote:Try not to use "justice" or some variation of it so much. In your fourth paragraph, it's used four times in four sentences. After that paragraph, I got annoyed every time I saw that word.


Thanks for the catch!

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Second draft - please help!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:09 am

rstahl wrote:Sorry for the caps. Thought it'd be the easiest way to see what I was doing. Interesting read. It needs polishing. But I finalized my PS on like draft 13, so it will happen slowly. Apparently the strikethroughs didn't make their way from Word to my post. Hopefully it is still clear what I am referring to.

“What would you do if you could no longer pay your mortgage? Just leave the key and walk out of the house, pretending you never saw it.” WHO OR WHAT ARE YOU QUOTING? I was apathetic to these home losers A LITTLE TOO APATHETIC, COMES ACROSS BADLY when I first heard this story. “THIS STORY” IS NOT ELABORATED UPON UNTIL THE NEXT PARAGRAPH. USE U.S. HOUSING FORECLOSURE SCANDAL OR SOMETHING DESCRIPTIVE. RIGHT NOW, IT’S LIKE USING ‘HE’ BEFORE EVER MENTIONING ‘BOO RADLEY’. WHO IS HE? After all, who else was to blame other than themselves? WHAT SOMEONE ELSE SAID. THE TENSE AND FORM MAKES ME MAKE AN AWKWARD FACE. Two years later, a serendipitous job opportunity allowed me to gain a totally COMPLETELY different perspective on this matter, and guided me to contemplate my role in THE face of injustice VAGUE. While helping people recoup their losses from improperly handled foreclosures, I uncovered my ability to thrive in a challenging environment as well as my strong intellectual curiosity PUT MY STRONG INTELLECTUAL CURIOSITY FIRST. The enhanced understanding of my qualities and ambition has set the direction in which I will direct my efforts. ALMOST SEMANTICALLY NULL SENTENCE.

After college, I joined a risk review project, the purpose of which was to pick out SELECT/FIND/DISCOVER unlawful practices from the foreclosure proceedings handled by Wells Fargo Bank since 2009 and calculate the compensation borrowers would get. Albeit confused to hear that delinquent borrowers were due for compensation, I was extremely excited to learn that my quantitative analysis skills were needed for modeling WHAT IS MODELING?. However, on the first day of training, I was panicked to find myself AWKWARD, REPHRASE surrounded by trainees who went to law school, a mentor who had been a lawyer, and training materials covering mortgage servicing regulations without a single trace of mathematical application. My mind went blank, and the only thing I remembered at the end of the day was the lunch sandwich, which was as hard to swallow as those arcane legal terms. HA! My anxiety soon turned into fear. I wanted to bail out before being kicked out. TOO CONVERSATIONAL? SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE ABOUT TO SAY ‘BAILSKIES, BROSKI’

“Am I so easily defeated?” I paused to look back at each step I have taken: from China to the US, from the University of Wisconsin to Middlebury, and from doing calculations to debating the morality of war. I realized that every piece of progress I have made was the result of breaking out of my comfort zone. Since I could drive 2000 miles across nine states by myself in a foreign country, why couldn’t I grasp the foreclosure process? AVOID CONTRACTIONS WHEREVER POSSIBLE. SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T, ALMOST ALWAYS YOU CAN. I started gathering all the new terms covered at training, and spent my breaks researching their definitions as well as consulting experienced lawyers for their applications. I also created a graphical representation to help me comprehend the lifecycle of a mortgage. Gradually, I not only caught up, but also excelled. The accuracy rate of my analysis Surged to the top according to QA feedback, and our team lead began to assign me complex cases and charge me with rechecking other teammates’ analyses before they went through QA review.

With a more comprehensive understanding of the scenario, I became aware of how one-sided my conPERception of foreclosure was. It is true that a foreclosure always begins with default by a borrower, but this fact by no means justifies the bank’s collection activities after a borrower filed TENSE DISAGREEMENT for bankruptcy, charging exorbitant property inspection fees, NO COMMA NEEDED and miscalculating total debt, just to name a few. Even as the delinquent party, the borrowers still need to be treated justly, and their interests need to be represented. I feel fulfilled to be among those who fought for other people’s justice AWKWARD. When this project ended, I stopped defining myself as a math person BY MY MATHEMATICAL PROWESS?, and instead began to envision myself as an advocate for justice. When people lack relevant knowledge or have difficulty accessing the proper channelS, I want to voice their concerns to the legal system and assist them in regaining WEIRD VERB CHOICE justice.
TRANSITIONING SENTENCE WOULD BE NICE ATOP THE BELOW PARAGRAPH… I WAS ABLE TO EMPLOY THIS NEWFOUND DESIRE IN MY OWN FAMILY…YADA YADA
This fall, my mom was required by her university to teach at an affiliate but separate institution, which she refused due to health concerns. The university then withheld her salary as a punishment. While many imputed this conflict to my mom’s disobedience, I supported her decision to protect her own rights as well as her fighting for justice. I helped my mom research China’s labor law, and found that it is absolutely illegal to withhold salary from an employee without legitimate reasons. We are preparing for legal actions, and I will not give up until justice is restituted. JUSTICE ISN’T THE THING BEING RESTITUTED. RESTITUTION IS GIVEN TO A PARTY FOLLOWING A MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE, PERHAPS.

Both the foreclosure review project and my mother’s case add to my real-world experience, which taught me the significance of law to an individual’s welfare and a just society. I want to guard my family against injustice, and I also want to be a true difference maker. I know neither can be easily achieved, but I will invest all my energy in pursuing them. I hope the study of law would WILL be my arm when I am reaching far and beyond WHERE. Packed with determination, I am ready for the next journey
READ VERY CLOSELY FOR SUBJECT, VERB AGREEMENT AND TENSE CONSISTENCY THROUGHOUT THE PARAGRAPHS. IF I GOT CAUGHT BY SOME OF THE INCONSISTENCIES, SO WILL ADMISSIONS DEPTS.

I really appreciate the detailed critique. Thanks!




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