1st draft PS, is my approach on the right track?

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Anonymous User
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1st draft PS, is my approach on the right track?

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:33 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Jan 09, 2014 5:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: 1st draft PS, is my approach on the right track?

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Tue Dec 10, 2013 1:47 am

I think your general approach is a good one. I especially liked the second part of your PS, about the conference and your change in attitude when you got back. Two "big picture" issues:

1. You could be more specific about how you changed your approach, following both your teacher's comments and your experience at the conference.

2. You need to be careful in how you describe the other students at your high school. For example, you say "the students [at my] high school were apathetic towards anything scholarly and quite often marginalized anyone who didn't adhere to the same view." That's too negative - you should tone it down a bit. Generally, it is a good idea to avoid being overly negative in personal statements, but I think that's especially true here because you then go on to add a racial element (and even if you yourself are black, to some readers it might sound too much like you're perpetrating stereotypes all of us ought to avoid).

Beyond the general, there are a large number of grammatical issues here, but it makes sense to fix the big stuff before the small stuff. And you might want to rephrase your teacher's reaction to make it clear that the reason why she thought that you couldn't be a lawyer was something you then went on to fix (because you don't have the grades, or the motivation required, for example). The reader might worry she said that to you for some other reason.

Anonymous User
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Re: 1st draft PS, is my approach on the right track?

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 10, 2013 2:06 am

Thanks for the response I agree there are some ambiguities here I need to fill in. Also good point about toning down the negativity I was trying to show the culture of my high school, but I guess I should focus on something with a more uplifting nature

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: 1st draft PS, is my approach on the right track?

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Tue Dec 10, 2013 2:16 am

Anonymous User wrote:Also good point about toning down the negativity I was trying to show the culture of my high school, but I guess I should focus on something with a more uplifting nature

You can still show the negativity of your high school, you just need to be more subtle about. Either qualify your statements a little, or find a way to show your point (rather than stating it). Obviously, it is important to your story, and if you get rid of it or qualify your statements too much, there's a danger that your story will lose its force.




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