Revamped and Revised PS

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Revamped and Revised PS

Postby deannlmills » Mon Dec 09, 2013 4:25 pm

Okay guys I have revamped and revised my personal statement, any constructive criticism or commentary is much appreciated


Like any great love affair, mine started with a chance encounter. It was followed by a whirlwind romance over the next two years. It all started when I sat in a college classroom watching a passionate attorney discuss landmark Supreme Court cases. She was mesmerizing, and the information was enthralling. She ignited a fire within me that would become inextinguishable. Over the next two years I would immerse myself with all the legal and criminal classes I could take, learning all I could from practicing lawyers and judges. I became inspired, and I fell in love with the law.

My life had been challenging. I have had to make many tough decisions, knowing someone else’s best interest was more important. At age seven I left home, and moved with my great grandmother, to avoid conflict with my mother, who suffered from bouts of depression, paranoia, and mental illness. While living with my great grandmother she suffered a host of health problems, biggest of all leukemia. But while living with her, four of my cousins came to live with us. They ranged in age from nine to a couple months. I did my best to help raise them as I raised myself. Eventually all my cousins all went to live with other family members upon her death, and I also moved back home with my parents.

Living at home with my mother was tumultuous and often led to many fights and arguments but that never deterred me from wanting to do well. My mother had since withdrawn from the working world, and wrapped herself in novels, cigarettes, and coffee while my father struggled to provide for a family of five. I contributed by getting a work permit and working weekends, all while maneuvering my way through high school. In 2003 I started college, but my dad was about to lose it all in the next year. He first lost his job when the dot-com bubble finally burst; this sent his finances into a tailspin. I went from care-free college student to sole supporter of a family of five. I made sure my family had what they needed. But despite my best efforts our home was added to the foreclosure list, but the last blow had yet to come. My mother would unexpectedly pass away in 2004, at the young age of forty-nine. This was devastating, despite our turbulent relationship she was still my mother, and I loved her. My dad was emotionally destroyed by the last year, and it would take until early 2006 for him to make a full recovery both financially, and emotionally.

It was during this frenzied time in my life that my love for the law saved me. When I was in the classroom nothing mattered, the law had this way of enveloping me, of taking me away from all the stress and negative situations in my life and allowed me to do something positive, something that was amazing. Law was my solace, law gave me a peace that I struggled to find anywhere else, and it was something that fulfilled me. I was always at my best when it came to law, it was satisfying.

As graduation came I knew I wanted to change the world and make an impact. I went to work in community corrections where I learned a lot about myself, the system, and how things did and did not work. Here it was where my love for the law smoldered. I worked for a few years and saw many things that were unfair, and unjust, I also so many things that were fair and just. This experience fueled that fire inside of me, my love for the law was real; it was not a result of my external circumstances. So many people and things have pointed me towards the law. I attended the high school that produced all three individuals on death row in the state of Colorado, most individuals I know have had interaction in the legal system at some point in their lives. The law is beckoning me, calling me to make our relationship complete. I am ready to commit to a life long relationship with the law, and pursuing the law in the interests of others.

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Re: Revamped and Revised PS

Postby HRomanus » Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:44 pm

I believe this comes across far too strongly. The tone is dripping with bathos and makes the "relationship" sound more like a high-school infatuation than anything stable, mature, and realistic. The second and third paragraphs - which read like a list of your life's hardships and don't substantially reveal your character - don't support your interest in the law in paragraph 4. In fact, they make the law seem like a distraction, which is an inherently unstable position. When your profession is the law, your stress and negative situations will be the law. So what will your distraction be then?

Another major problem with paragraph 4 is that your interest in law seems based exclusively on the law. While law is the foundation of a lawyer's practice, your day will be spent with far more things than reading cases and analyzing jurisprudence. Do you want to be on the law school's faculty?

The real narrative seems hidden in the last paragraph. That's the you I want to hear about! What did you see, do, learn, and think in community corrections? How did that transform your interest in the law from the academic to the practical? How did that make you want to practice law rather than merely reading law?

And cut out the last three sentences. The first is irrelevant to you, the second and third are just Twilight-level creepy.

You'll likely find this blog post very useful: ... e-law.aspx

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Re: Revamped and Revised PS

Postby lastsamurai » Mon Dec 09, 2013 6:05 pm

^^literally covers everything I would say. This needs a complete re-write in my opinion

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