Personal Statement. Critique please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273108
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Personal Statement. Critique please!

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Dec 09, 2013 4:05 pm

“Another useless female,” these were the words I heard countless times when I reported to my first command. Not only was I seen as useless, but as a piece of meat that the guys took turns trying to take to bed. I couldn’t understand why I was met with such hostility when I first arrived, but after listening to conversations for my first month, I realized that previous females had left a bad impression. I had to prove them wrong in order to change their perspective of females and gain their respect. I volunteered to be part of third platoon boat crew, which the males soon laughed about because I was a weak female and wouldn’t get anywhere. I was told many times to, “Stay in the kitchen where you belong.” Their cruel comments didn’t have the desired effect, instead it pushed me to be better and learn more.

Things were slowly moving forward for me, until a couple of new supervisors stepped in to take over the platoon. At first I didn’t think much of it because they soon realized that I was more knowledgeable and had a great working relationship with our maintenance department. Although I was lower ranking than most that I was working with, I was still in charge of training and the daily operations of boat crew. I was doing well until my new supervisors became more interested in me than my work. The comments they made towards me were easily pushed aside, but soon the words were becoming actions and it turned into sexual assault that was happening almost daily. I witnessed many incidents pushed under the rug instead of dealing with them properly or the lower ranking individual being retaliated against because they spoke up. I didn’t know who to turn to or if I could trust the person that I was supposed to speak with. It was hard to keep things quiet in such a tight nit community and I was afraid that should I speak out, it would soon be known that it was me who made the complaints. Out of fear of retaliation and lack of trust, I pushed through the incidents and focused on my work.

My drive and passion for my work took my mind off the problems I face and the negatives were soon becoming positive. I was leading and training those in the platoon and soon took position as primary coxswain. One of best actions to happen was when my supervisor was removed from his position and the sexual assaults had stopped. During my time as primary coxswain, I assisted in a humanitarian mission in the Philippines were we worked with their military in a search and rescue effort and later attended a board with my Commanding Officer and earned the small craft pin. I was the lowest ranking and only female of two individuals, out of 200+ in the command, to have earned that pin.

My Commanding Officer handpicked me for an assignment where I travelled to three different countries; I was the only female on my crew. This assignment involved me training foreign military in boat operations and combat tactics, but was far more important than just training because it helped to keep our alliance between these countries strong and positive. By the end of my tour I was not only a primary coxswain, but the lead training petty officer for boat crew. I had earned every qualification that I was allowed to have in not only boat crew, but also for landside or regular operations. I showed the men to not judge just because of previous experiences, while teaching other females to speak up about sexual harassment and to show them that they are more than just their gender.

Although I was doubted, on the receiving end of negative comments and worse unwanted sexual harassment, just because I was a female, I didn’t allow myself to become what they had me titled as. I have spent eight years as military police that has allowed me to learn the investigation side of the law and my paralegal degree has given me some insight into the law field. So I ask you, please do not judge me based off of numbers, instead judge me for the type of person I am, a person who overcame appalling situations and ended up at the top, while helping others to avoid the same awful situations I encountered. Allow me to share and use my experiences, my passion, motivation, and self- determination to become a skillful student that this University can be proud to call their own.

HRomanus
Posts: 1307
Joined: Wed Nov 06, 2013 8:45 pm

Re: Personal Statement. Critique please!

Postby HRomanus » Mon Dec 09, 2013 6:36 pm

Anonymous User wrote:So I ask you, please do not judge me based off of numbers, instead judge me for the type of person I am, a person who overcame appalling situations and ended up at the top, while helping others to avoid the same awful situations I encountered.


1) The Adcomm will definitely judge you based on your numbers. Partly because it's their job, but largely because numbers reflect reality. If you have a bad LSAT or GPA, that reflects something about the type of person you are. Asking them to not judge your numbers emphasizes them.

2) This reads like an interpreted resume. They have your resume and know what you did. Tighten the narrative around your thesis - triumph over sexual harassment. I think you need to be clearer about the sexual assaults. Were you raped? As insensitive as that question seems, the sexual assaults get lost in the narrative when they should be a key part.

3) Why law? HR or counseling seems to be the most rational pathway based on this narrative. What if your firm takes a case defending a corporation from a sexual harassment suit? Do you want to go exclusively into sexual harassment litigation? You must substantiate why law is the logical conclusion of your narrative if you make that argument.

User avatar
RCO2012
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2013 1:38 pm

Re: Personal Statement. Critique please!

Postby RCO2012 » Mon Dec 09, 2013 6:43 pm

HRomanus wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:So I ask you, please do not judge me based off of numbers, instead judge me for the type of person I am, a person who overcame appalling situations and ended up at the top, while helping others to avoid the same awful situations I encountered.


1) The Adcomm will definitely judge you based on your numbers. Partly because it's their job, but largely because numbers reflect reality. If you have a bad LSAT or GPA, that reflects something about the type of person you are. Asking them to not judge your numbers emphasizes them.

2) This reads like an interpreted resume. They have your resume and know what you did. Tighten the narrative around your thesis - triumph over sexual harassment. I think you need to be clearer about the sexual assaults. Were you raped? As insensitive as that question seems, the sexual assaults get lost in the narrative when they should be a key part.

3) Why law? HR or counseling seems to be the most rational pathway based on this narrative. What if your firm takes a case defending a corporation from a sexual harassment suit? Do you want to go exclusively into sexual harassment litigation? You must substantiate why law is the logical conclusion of your narrative if you make that argument.


+1 all of this. Rewrite with focus on those things that are outside of the resume and a clear map to the conclusion of your reasoning to attend law school and go into the profession.

Western28
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 3:24 pm

Ok redone Statement Critique please!

Postby Western28 » Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:22 pm

“Another useless female,” these were the words I heard countless times, whispered and said to my face, when I reported to my first command. I couldn’t decide which was worst, the hatred or the lecherous looks they would give me because they saw me as new piece of meat. It was a shock to the system; I couldn’t understand why I was met with such hostility when I first arrived. I decided I would make myself as inconspicuous as possible and listen to the others around me. After the first month I had learned that the two females that were already there had left quite a bad impression for female sailors. They didn’t like to work and I began to understand why they looked at me as fresh meat. I knew I didn’t want that impression to continue for me or future female sailors, so I volunteered third platoon boat crew, which earned me laughs and the many condescending jokes such as, “Stay in the kitchen where you belong.” For the girl who had two older brothers, these cruel comments only fueled me to be exceed their expectations and eventually my own.

I was moving from one job to the next, learning as much as possible that others, including those that told me to “stay in the kitchen” were notice. We had two superiors move into our department, nothing new, at least I thought. One of them became my supervisor and he soon figured out that I was the most knowledgeable and had a great working relationship with the maintenance department. He delegated his authority to me, so I was in charge of the daily operations of the boat platoon. Operations were running smooth, but not necessarily for me. My supervisor was finding reasons to be around me and I was always on his boat during training. At first it was comments here and there about my personal life, then sexual innuendos. Then it moved to him touching me on my shoulder or arm and started to escalate. We would be driving the boats to the pier and he reached over made a grab for my breast. I tried to laugh it off and smacked his hand away; he laughed too and went back to driving. I didn’t think much about the incidents, but his harassment continued. The worst part of all is that he was married and there were times he would he would be harassing me and he would be on the phone with his wife. He would find moments to grab for chest, but soon he went too far and tried to grab between my legs and I stopped him in his tracks. I told him that that was enough and I wasn’t going to stand for anymore of his repulsive and inappropriate touching. I should have reported him, but I was afraid of what would happen to me more than what would happen to him. I was lower ranking than he and I noticed at this command that a lot of issues were “swept under the rug.” So, out of fear of retaliation, lack of trust, and the effect it would have on my career, I pushed through the incidents and focused on my work.

After that incident and standing up for me time began moving quickly, but he was making things difficult for me. He realized I was going to let him touch me or sleep with him. He would make me stay late, redo paperwork, cleanup a mess that someone else made or any other reason he could find to make my life difficult. I was upset about it all, but I kept my eyes on my job and on the new females that were coming in. I gave them someone to confide in and I shared my own stories, both positive and negative. His negativity and my drive pushed me further than I could have imagined. I earned numerous awards, became the training petty officer for boat crew, head coxswain and was hand-selected by my Commanding Officer to train foreign military in operation BLAHBLAHBLAH.

I tell this story because this incident plays a major role in showing the type of person I am, a reason I want to become an attorney and what I can do. I was doubted, I was sexually harassed and assaulted, I changed impressions, and I came out on top, albeit a few scrapes and bruises. This incident pushed me even more to become an attorney because I don’t want a woman to have to go through what I did and be afraid to speak out. I have a younger sister and I don’t want her to ever be alone and have no one to confide in for fear of retaliation or losing her career. I have been a Master-at-Arms for eight years and I have seen women come in reporting sexual assaults/harassments; I want to be on the other side getting the justice for these women that I never received. I have the passion, initiative, and commitment to be a distinguished law student at XOXOX University.

sunnyd101
Posts: 79
Joined: Tue Dec 17, 2013 11:51 am

Re: Ok redone Statement Critique please!

Postby sunnyd101 » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:33 pm

Western28 wrote:After the first month I had learned that the two females that were already there had left quite a bad impression for female sailors. They didn’t like to work and I began to understand why they looked at me as fresh meat.


Two female sailors or two women.

Western28
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Personal Statement. Critique please!

Postby Western28 » Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:38 pm

Two female sailors.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.