Writing PS. Worried about coming across as insane.

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TalKaline
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Writing PS. Worried about coming across as insane.

Postby TalKaline » Sun Dec 08, 2013 5:13 pm

This is the first draft of my personal statement. I'm trying to find a balance between being interesting and coming off as a crazy person that no one would want to spend time with.

Think I went too far towards the second one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justice is a prize seized by the powerful and denied to the powerless. That's a lesson I learned when I was fifteen years old.
As a child, I had been a stickler for rules. I dedicated myself to winning fairly or not at all, to treat people unequally was one of the gravest sins I could commit, and I was the only one in the crowd who said 'that should have been a penalty!' to protest sporting indiscretions by the home team. When the church my family went to that acted as my school solicited donations by telling stories of women subjected to horrific systemic abuse in India and then made it clear that they were concerned with the state of these women's souls rather than their bodies, I was appalled. The people being spoke of had rights irregardless of whether they belonged to the same religion we did, and wrongs committed against them should be amended. Surely, if I made this injustice sufficiently clear, the other people at my church and school would agree.
The parents disagreed strenuously. Their children disagreed violently. One day, during a break in classes, I was ambushed and attacked by the students there. One of them beat me with a yardstick enough to tear, bloody, and otherwise ruin my Sunday best clothes. My screams for help attracted the entire class, who either joined in, or stood around me, pointing and laughing. Eventually the teacher arrived, and I thought that everyone being told to return to class as though nothing had happened would have been the end of it.
I was wrong. The next morning, my family recieved a phone call from the teacher, and it was clear that I was the one in trouble. My attempts at explaining my own side of the story were ignored. According to the teacher, I had been responsible for starting the fight due to my 'disruptive' actions outside of class, and that she was seeing fit to arrange for my expulsion. With my family furious, I begged her for another chance. She relented, pending a parent-teacher conference.
I still remember two of the questions she asked at that conference. "Are you a homosexual? My [five-year-old] son is in the church, and I don't feel comfortable having you in the same building if you are." "Are you an atheist? If you're an atheist, there's no heaven or hell, and we're all going to the same place when we die, so why wouldn't you become an axe murderer?" I remained silent for most of the meeting, head hanging low. Of my two parents, one took the teacher's side and hasn't touched me affectionately since. The other said that they believed me, but that they could never say so when anyone else could hear, for fear that their friends and partner would leave them if it appeared that they agreed with me.
All rules, and systems made to enforce those rules, are ultimately designed by human beings. And human beings are vulnerable to bias, to favoritism, to selectively enforcing rules in ways that benefit them and harm others. The perfect ideal of blind justice is impossible, and the implementation of the concept is improbable. Unless those of us who are dedicated to fairness and to equality work every day to bring reality closer to this ideal, it will forever elude us.
That's why I want to be a lawyer. That's why I want to go to _______________________.

Pancakes12
Posts: 269
Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2013 10:13 am

Re: Writing PS. Worried about coming across as insane.

Postby Pancakes12 » Sun Dec 08, 2013 5:29 pm

It does make you seem a little asocial.

billydaduck
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Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 12:48 am

Re: Writing PS. Worried about coming across as insane.

Postby billydaduck » Sun Dec 08, 2013 5:29 pm

I learned nothing about what would make you a good lawyer or any accomplishment in your life.

I'm not sure how the moral message would connect with an admissions officer; it doesn't connect with me and I am an atheist (which I got the impression from the way you wrote that you are too). Everyone is wronged in their life. The main thing I gathered from the PS is that you are very intolerant of other beliefs.

My suggestion would be to choose a completely different topic.

SBTC
Posts: 21
Joined: Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:54 pm

Re: Writing PS. Worried about coming across as insane.

Postby SBTC » Sun Dec 08, 2013 6:45 pm

This personal statement is terrible, and not just because it used the word 'irregardless'. Personal statements should strike an optimistic and confident note, this statement is kind of a downer. It's also not very interesting, except for the part where you got beaten with a yardstick; that was pretty cool. Just pick a whole new topic and actually come across as likeable this time. Also, I would refrain from addressing religion, as being overtly religious or the opposite could rub adcomms the wrong way. I wouldn't bring it up at all, especially if you're an atheist.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Writing PS. Worried about coming across as insane.

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:14 pm

Your statement is confusing as hell. I have only a vague idea of the broader theme, no idea what's going on in your story, and there's a non-zero number of sentences that sound like Sarah Palin wrote them.

You've only got a page and a half here, and you need to use the additional space to fill in the gaping narrative holes. You've gone past succinct to unintelligible.

Justice is a prize seized by the powerful and denied to the powerless. That's a lesson I learned when I was fifteen years old.
As a child (I thought you were learning this lesson at 15? 15 is not really a "child."), I had beenwas a stickler for rules. I dedicated myself to winning fairly or not at all, to treat people unequally was one of the gravest sins I could commit, and I was the only one in the crowd who said 'that should have been a penalty!' to protest sporting indiscretions by the home team. (Way too many thoughts in one sentence.) When the church my family went to that acted as my school (incredibly awkward) solicited donations by telling stories of women subjected to horrific systemic abuse in India and then made it clear that they were concerned with the state of these women's souls rather than their bodies, I was appalled. (Seriously, what is with these convoluted sentences? By the time I get to the end, I forget what the beginning was talking about.) The people being spoke of (bad grammar) had rights irregardless (jfc, no) of whether they belonged to the same religion we did, and wrongs committed against them should be amended. Surely, if I made this injustice sufficiently clear, the other people at my church and school would agree.
The parents disagreed strenuously. Their children disagreed violently. One day, during a break in classes, I was ambushed and attacked by the students there. One of them beat me with a yardstick enough to tear, bloody, and otherwise ruin my Sunday best clothes. My screams for help attracted the entire class, who either joined in, or stood around me, pointing and laughing. (Fair or not, I'm having a hard time believing this. You need to describe it better or it just sounds like theater of the absurd.) Eventually the teacher arrived, and I thought that everyone being told to return to class as though nothing had happened would have been the end of it.
I was wrong. The next morning, my family recieved (spelling) a phone call from the teacher, and it was clear that I was the one in trouble. My attempts at explaining my own side of the story were ignored. According to the teacher, I had been responsible for starting the fight due to my 'disruptive' actions outside of class, and that she was seeing fit to arrange for my expulsion. With my family furious, I begged her for another chance. She relented, pending a parent-teacher conference.
I still remember two of the questions she asked at that conference. "Are you a homosexual? My [five-year-old] son is in the church, and I don't feel comfortable having you in the same building if you are." "Are you an atheist? If you're an atheist, there's no heaven or hell, and we're all going to the same place when we die, so why wouldn't you become an axe murderer?" (This just lacks context. Was this seriously the first time you realized that your family's church, your school, and everyone in them were extremist wingnuts? How is that even remotely possible?) I remained silent for most of the meeting, head hanging low. Of my two parents, one took the teacher's side and hasn't touched me affectionately since. (Just say "my mother" or "my father." No need to ponce about with this "of my two parents, one..." garbage.) The other (My mother/father) said that they (he/she) believed me, but that they (he/she) could never say so when anyone else could hear, for fear that their friends and partner (ugh, I give up. Being vague does not make your writing sound better.) would leave them if it appeared that they agreed with me.
All rules, and systems made to enforce those rules, are ultimately designed by human beings. (Not a profound observation.) And human beings are vulnerable to bias, to favoritism, to selectively enforcing rules in ways that benefit them and harm others. (What does this have to do with anything you were writing about? Where were rules being selectively enforced? Sounds like they enforced them just fine. The rules themselves were the problem.) The perfect ideal of blind justice is impossible, and the implementation of the concept is improbable. Unless those of us who are dedicated to fairness and to equality work every day to bring reality closer to this ideal, it will forever elude us.
That's why I want to be a lawyer. That's why I want to go to _______________________.

This needs a total overhaul. Escaping from an extremist religion can make a great topic, but you don't tell anything about how this event related to your life in a broader way. Was this one event of many showing you that your family/church/school were fucking insane? Was this the catalyst that made you finally decide to get out? I get no sense of who you are, except that you were apparently incredibly totally chill with everything until the age of 15, at which time you got beat up. Needs more info about the church and school, the way you were raised in it, etc. Otherwise this one event is just a WTF.

Additionally, the writing needs a LOT of work. Your prose is murky and awkward. Use more simple, declarative sentences and stop trying to cram more and more clauses in before the period. A well-crafted sentence does not need to be 50 words long and contain four ideas.

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oshberg28
Posts: 176
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:24 pm

Re: Writing PS. Worried about coming across as insane.

Postby oshberg28 » Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:45 am

^ TITCR




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