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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

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Postby Anonymous User » Thu Dec 05, 2013 1:15 pm

Thanks!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

arklaw13
Posts: 1703
Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2012 2:36 pm

Re: 1st draft personal statement

Postby arklaw13 » Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:06 pm

Don't have time for a lot of comments. Here five minutes worth:

"A serendipitous job opportunity two years later guided me to both see physically the loss homeowners experienced and contemplate metaphysically my role in face of injustice. "

Terrible sentence. "See physically" is a dumb phrase. "contemplate metaphysically" is worse, because that's a total misuse of the term "metaphysically." Metaphysics is the nature of existence itself, not how you exist within the real world.

"The more enthusiasm I devoted to assisting borrowers in recovering their financial losses with the legal weapon, the less I would conceive myself as a preset math person that I firmly believed in at the beginning of the job."

The legal weapon? What? I have no idea what a preset math person is either. Also, the grammar is bad.

"Human's greed for money may never be satisfiable, but I can certainly make the better life for at least some people by voicing their concerns to the legal system, when these people lack relevant knowledge or have difficulty accessing the proper channel."

"Human's greed" is bad grammar. Humanity's greed, maybe? I would also quibble with your characterization of the banks foreclosing on these people as an injustice caused by corporate greed. The borrowers got a mortgage, didn't pay it, and foreclosure is a perfectly legitimate thing for the banks to do. I get that you probably saw a lot of badly handled, maybe illegal foreclosures, but keep in mind that you're more likely to end up working for a bank after law school than you are to end up as a crusader for justice.

"However, regardless of their socioeconomic status, when facing infringement from an institution as large as ABC Bank, law is the only recourse to restitute justice they all deserved. "

This is a terrible sentence, grammatically and substantively.

On the whole, I'm not sure how I feel about your characterization of the experience with the consulting firm. I would definitely shy away from characterizing the work you did as being legal in nature. I'm not sure that you cross that line, but you're close. I think there is a good PS to be had out of your experience, though.

I would remove the bit about helping your mother. It makes you sound too much like a wanna-be attorney.

Other than that, clean up the grammar. There are a lot of mistakes that keep your writing from seeming sophisticated.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273094
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 1st draft personal statement

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 06, 2013 9:24 am

arklaw13 wrote:Don't have time for a lot of comments. Here five minutes worth:

"A serendipitous job opportunity two years later guided me to both see physically the loss homeowners experienced and contemplate metaphysically my role in face of injustice. "

Terrible sentence. "See physically" is a dumb phrase. "contemplate metaphysically" is worse, because that's a total misuse of the term "metaphysically." Metaphysics is the nature of existence itself, not how you exist within the real world.

"The more enthusiasm I devoted to assisting borrowers in recovering their financial losses with the legal weapon, the less I would conceive myself as a preset math person that I firmly believed in at the beginning of the job."

The legal weapon? What? I have no idea what a preset math person is either. Also, the grammar is bad.

"Human's greed for money may never be satisfiable, but I can certainly make the better life for at least some people by voicing their concerns to the legal system, when these people lack relevant knowledge or have difficulty accessing the proper channel."

"Human's greed" is bad grammar. Humanity's greed, maybe? I would also quibble with your characterization of the banks foreclosing on these people as an injustice caused by corporate greed. The borrowers got a mortgage, didn't pay it, and foreclosure is a perfectly legitimate thing for the banks to do. I get that you probably saw a lot of badly handled, maybe illegal foreclosures, but keep in mind that you're more likely to end up working for a bank after law school than you are to end up as a crusader for justice.

"However, regardless of their socioeconomic status, when facing infringement from an institution as large as ABC Bank, law is the only recourse to restitute justice they all deserved. "

This is a terrible sentence, grammatically and substantively.

On the whole, I'm not sure how I feel about your characterization of the experience with the consulting firm. I would definitely shy away from characterizing the work you did as being legal in nature. I'm not sure that you cross that line, but you're close. I think there is a good PS to be had out of your experience, though.

I would remove the bit about helping your mother. It makes you sound too much like a wanna-be attorney.

Other than that, clean up the grammar. There are a lot of mistakes that keep your writing from seeming sophisticated.

Harsh criticism. I really appreciate that.
1.Maybe I misused the word "metaphysically" and thus didn't convey the meaning I intended.
2.Legal weapon? I mean "law as a weapon." Will correct or simply delete that. Should I change "preset" to "predetermined?" Does that make more sense?
3.I'm not saying foreclosure is a wicked thing, but 99% of the foreclosure cases I reviewed were handled improperly (against regulations), and the job's purpose was to find out the problems. I will clear this up in the passage. Yes, I may well end up working for a bank, but I will not engage in illegal foreclosures or other awful practices. That's my point.
4.Will work on the grammar.

I see a lot confusion and misunderstanding going on here. So I will make my PS more concise and clear, and will also find another way to express myself.

Thank you for you help!




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