Thank you!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Thank you!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 04, 2013 3:06 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273101
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Work Experience Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Dec 05, 2013 12:25 am

Bump

Please help...

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AntipodeanPhil
Posts: 1300
Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:02 pm

Re: Work Experience Personal Statement

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Thu Dec 05, 2013 1:59 am

Generally, this is good. Some specific comments:

1. "It was overwhelming as this is the first time:" was (past tense).

2. " we only handle hearings occasionally; and the attorneys are not litigators:" don't follow a semi-colon with a conjunction.

3. "I secretly believe the infrequency of hearings is due to how well prepared we were:" isn't it kind of obvious that there would be a correlation? Seems like an odd thing to believe "secretly."

4. Also, I'm a 2L, but I have no idea what a "peer review case" is. You might want to explain a bit more to your audience here.

5. "As the preparation for a hearing draws on, I learned more and more about the skills a lawyer should possess:" again, the tense is weird here -- you switch from present tense to past tense. Also, wasn't there only one hearing? You should use the definite article.

6. "One of the first things I was taught is:" delete this -- it's redundant.

7. "Some asked for a way to take advantages:" the last word should be singular, not plural.

8. "lawyering, lies:" delete the comma.

9. being a lawyer, is:" delete the comma.

10. "what my business law professor said in the class:" huh -- which class? Also, use a colon after "class."

11. "but there is more:" more to what?

12. " are part-lawyer-part-businessman hybrids:" awkward -- rephrase.

13. The last paragraph is no good. It seems redundant, obvious, etc. I would suggest deleting it and adding "I hope to apply that lesson, and many others I have learnt through my experience, in my future career as a transnational lawyer" to the end of the preceding paragraph.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273101
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Work Experience Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Dec 05, 2013 6:55 am

Thank You for the really good points!

Honestly I am bad at starting/ending an essay so thank you so much for the last point.

Also regarding #3, when I showed my essay to a friend who's a medical student, he actually had a very different explanation. That's why I wasn't sure if my audience would think of it the same way I do. Thank you for pointing that out.




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