Diversity Stmt: Forgotten Southeast Asian Immigrants

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Anonymous User
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Diversity Stmt: Forgotten Southeast Asian Immigrants

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 03, 2013 7:06 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Dec 18, 2013 6:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: Diversity Stmt: Forgotten Southeast Asian Immigrants

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Wed Dec 04, 2013 12:32 am

This seems like a fascinating topic, and there's some great stuff here, but it needs a lot of work. The main problem is that this is very confusing and hard to follow. Relatedly, there are also points at which it seems to go beyond the purpose of a DS.

As an example, take your first paragraph:
Under-representation is relative. Although 87,000 would appear to be illustrative, in 2010 this represented less than one-quarter of all the licensed female, African-American, Asian-Pacific American, Native-American, and other minority attorneys in the United States combined. Associated with the terms “invisible “and “veteran”; this number represents all of the Filipino immigrants who have served in every part of the United States military. I am an immigrant, and first-generation dependent of one of those 87,000.

1. The second sentence is extremely confusing. Why, for example, do you decide to tell your audience that 87,000 is less than one quarter of all female URM attorneys in the US? You explain in the next sentence that 87,000 is also the number of Filipino immigrants who have served in the US military, but that just leaves the reader to question why it matters that the number of Filipino immigrants who have served in the US military is the same as less than one-quarter of all female URM attorneys.

2. Aren't you supposed to be explaining why you are diverse? Why does it matter, then, how many female attorneys there are in the US from other minority groups? Some of those groups may be over-represented, some under-represented.

3. You state "87,000 would appear to be illustrative." Illustrative of what?

4. Semi-colons separate independent clauses. "Associated with the terms "invisible" and "veteran"" is not an independent clause.

5. Also, what is "Associated with the terms “invisible “and “veteran”" -- the number 87,000? I guess there is a very indirect association with the term "veteran," since 87,000 is the number of Filipino veterans who have served in the US military, but I'm not sure how it is associated with "invisible." And why does it matter that the number 87,000 is indirectly associated with those terms, assuming it is?

Sorry if all of this comes across as nasty. My point is that you need to work on your style to make this more straightforward and clear. It does sound like it could be a great DS, though.

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Re: Diversity Stmt: Forgotten Southeast Asian Immigrants

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 04, 2013 1:31 am

AntipodeanPhil wrote:This seems like a fascinating topic, and there's some great stuff here, but it needs a lot of work. The main problem is that this is very confusing and hard to follow. Relatedly, there are also points at which it seems to go beyond the purpose of a DS.

As an example, take your first paragraph:
Under-representation is relative. Although 87,000 would appear to be illustrative, in 2010 this represented less than one-quarter of all the licensed female, African-American, Asian-Pacific American, Native-American, and other minority attorneys in the United States combined. Associated with the terms “invisible “and “veteran”; this number represents all of the Filipino immigrants who have served in every part of the United States military. I am an immigrant, and first-generation dependent of one of those 87,000.

1. The second sentence is extremely confusing. Why, for example, do you decide to tell your audience that 87,000 is less than one quarter of all female URM attorneys in the US? You explain in the next sentence that 87,000 is also the number of Filipino immigrants who have served in the US military, but that just leaves the reader to question why it matters that the number of Filipino immigrants who have served in the US military is the same as less than one-quarter of all female URM attorneys.

2. Aren't you supposed to be explaining why you are diverse? Why does it matter, then, how many female attorneys there are in the US from other minority groups? Some of those groups may be over-represented, some under-represented.

Would you suggest that I just delete it? I was trying to put some solid numbers down as a relative comparison of what would actually be under-represented. I forgot to mention that 87,000 is the total number of veterans who have ever served in the entire history of the united states, suggesting that there's actually even less than 87,000 but i couldn't find anything about present demographics since its such a particular category.

3. You state "87,000 would appear to be illustrative." Illustrative of what?

Illustrative is meant to be synonymous with "representative" here - I just wanted to avoid sounding redundant.


4. Semi-colons separate independent clauses. "Associated with the terms "invisible" and "veteran"" is not an independent clause.

Will certainly change that, thanks!

5. Also, what is "Associated with the terms “invisible “and “veteran”" -- the number 87,000? I guess there is a very indirect association with the term "veteran," since 87,000 is the number of Filipino veterans who have served in the US military, but I'm not sure how it is associated with "invisible." And why does it matter that the number 87,000 is indirectly associated with those terms, assuming it is?

- This part about invisibility is how filipinos tend to ignore their roots at the cost of being blended into and accepted by American society. This was explained in the following paragraph about being uncertain about their identity and the lack of cultural displays relative to other cultures (Hispanic, Japanese, etc.)


Sorry if all of this comes across as nasty. My point is that you need to work on your style to make this more straightforward and clear. It does sound like it could be a great DS, though.


- Definitely not nasty. Your input is valuable and i'm glad you gave a very critical view of it, since it can only help me improve the message's delivery and readability. In fact, do you have any suggestions on a different set of statistics I could use? I was thinking about tailoring it to specific states and cities for each law school I intend to apply to. And what else do you think I could cut out??

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: Diversity Stmt: Forgotten Southeast Asian Immigrants

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Wed Dec 04, 2013 9:58 pm

Anonymous User wrote:- Definitely not nasty. Your input is valuable and i'm glad you gave a very critical view of it, since it can only help me improve the message's delivery and readability. In fact, do you have any suggestions on a different set of statistics I could use? I was thinking about tailoring it to specific states and cities for each law school I intend to apply to. And what else do you think I could cut out??

I would make your point like this (this is just an idea - you'd need to better phrase it):

There are [X number] of licensed, female, African-American, Asian-Pacific American, Native-American, and other minority attorneys in the United States combined. In context, that might seem like a small number, but under-representation is relative. That number is over [Y] times the number of Filipino immigrants to the United States last year, and over four times the total number of Filipino immigrants who have served in all branches of the U.S. military. As a Filipino immigrant and the daughter of a U.S. military veteran, I am already part of a multiple under-represented groups. In attending law school, I hope to join one more, to play a small role in increasing the representation of minority, female attorneys in [my proposed field of practice].




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