Overcoming PS - 1st Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 278500
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Overcoming PS - 1st Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:05 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Nov 24, 2013 8:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

meegee
Posts: 144
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 9:00 pm

Re: Overcoming PS - 1st Draft

Postby meegee » Fri Nov 22, 2013 2:30 am

Immediate reaction. This is a very personal PS. I think that gives you an advantage just by the fact that it will make you stand out. It can be hard to open up about traumatic experiences and expose yourself.

"In college, I excelled academically." Something about this kinda throws me off. They will be receiving your transcript, so they will know, from there, whether you excelled or not. I'm no expert, but I would opt to leave this out, or perhaps you can replace it with another line that demonstrates your academic capabilities not easily identified through your transcript.

"I combined my interests in psychology and women’s studies through projects" What projects? Perhaps you can insert an example or two. Or maybe these projects were the activities you talked about later (working with the Deaf Community). If so, perhaps you should make it more clear. It's just me, but on my first read, I wasn't sure if you working with the Deaf Community was one of these projects.

Your paragraph about your current internship could use an extra sentence talking about how exactly it motivated you to pursue a career in law. You talk about wanting to provide concrete solutions to specific problems. Was there a scenario during your internship where this occurred? How did it affect you and the other relevant parties?

Your final paragraph needs some reworking. I think it would serve you well to return to your trial at age 16 and touch upon how this experience, combined with your subsequent ones, has increased your passion and drive. Tie the two trials together and develop upon that.

Anonymous User
Posts: 278500
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Overcoming PS - 1st Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 22, 2013 3:52 am

meegee wrote:Immediate reaction. This is a very personal PS. I think that gives you an advantage just by the fact that it will make you stand out. It can be hard to open up about traumatic experiences and expose yourself.

"In college, I excelled academically." Something about this kinda throws me off. They will be receiving your transcript, so they will know, from there, whether you excelled or not. I'm no expert, but I would opt to leave this out, or perhaps you can replace it with another line that demonstrates your academic capabilities not easily identified through your transcript.

"I combined my interests in psychology and women’s studies through projects" What projects? Perhaps you can insert an example or two. Or maybe these projects were the activities you talked about later (working with the Deaf Community). If so, perhaps you should make it more clear. It's just me, but on my first read, I wasn't sure if you working with the Deaf Community was one of these projects.

Your paragraph about your current internship could use an extra sentence talking about how exactly it motivated you to pursue a career in law. You talk about wanting to provide concrete solutions to specific problems. Was there a scenario during your internship where this occurred? How did it affect you and the other relevant parties?

Your final paragraph needs some reworking. I think it would serve you well to return to your trial at age 16 and touch upon how this experience, combined with your subsequent ones, has increased your passion and drive. Tie the two trials together and develop upon that.


Thank you for such a helpful response, meegee! I'm glad to hear that the very personal nature of my PS is likely a strength. I was unsure of writing about the experience at first, but ultimately decided it was too crucial to leave out.

I agree that the "excelled academically" part is unnecessary. I'll scrap it.

The "projects" I worked on were numerous research projects through school and work that fill up the majority of my resume. I tried to stay away from listing the things that are already detailed on it, but I can see how it comes across as confusing with the specific activities I list later. I'll work on that.

I also really appreciate your advice on how to improve on the internship experience and last paragraph. My conclusion was definitely left incomplete, and I plan on elaborating on the two trials more.

Looking through your posts briefly, I noticed you got in to UVA... Congrats! :D It's one of my reach schools.




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