2nd draft - NEED YOUR HELP

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Ren
Posts: 83
Joined: Sun Nov 03, 2013 5:42 pm

2nd draft - NEED YOUR HELP

Postby Ren » Sun Nov 17, 2013 12:22 am

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Last edited by Ren on Tue Dec 03, 2013 10:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

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lastsamurai
Posts: 978
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:17 am

Re: 2nd draft - NEED YOUR HELP

Postby lastsamurai » Tue Nov 19, 2013 1:52 pm

There is definitely a good story here, and it definitely works for a PS, but you could definitely do some editing. I actually quite liked the introduction, but you lost me when you started talking about being accepted (btw, say I was accepted not I got accepted) to high school and college. There was too much focus on this when they can see it on your resume.

Make sure that it generally doesn't sound like a resume reading (i.e. "which I continue to work on today" should be on your resume too). "I managed to juggle various jobs and internships with my coursework, as I was always taught that work is a gift rather than a burden. I have overcome every barrier to my success thus far, because, as it turns out, resilience is an inherited trait." This could go as well - resume material.

The conclusion definitely needs some help - particularly the last sentence. I'm sure there have been other Russian lawyers, so that doesn't really fit.

Just do some editing to make sure that you're bringing information that the adcomms don't know about you.

Good luck!

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Ren
Posts: 83
Joined: Sun Nov 03, 2013 5:42 pm

Re: 2nd draft - NEED YOUR HELP

Postby Ren » Tue Nov 19, 2013 9:35 pm

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