If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 15, 2013 2:49 am

DELETED
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Jul 13, 2015 1:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jac101689
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby jac101689 » Fri Nov 15, 2013 8:47 am

.
Last edited by jac101689 on Thu May 15, 2014 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rigoding
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby rigoding » Fri Nov 15, 2013 3:06 pm

OK This is OP. I'm no longer anonymous. I will read your PS and edit it if you leave notes on my PS here.

jac101689
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby jac101689 » Fri Nov 15, 2013 3:22 pm

He ain't lyin'.

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rigoding
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby rigoding » Fri Nov 15, 2013 3:36 pm

Thanks, jac.

yukishirotomoe
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby yukishirotomoe » Sun Nov 17, 2013 4:02 pm

Overall a very good PS. I like your approach here -- using violin to demonstrate who you are. The writing is good, but personally I think the description for Bach is a bit too long. Paragraph four doesn't contribute to describe what kind of person you are. Maybe consider shorten this particular paragraph and put more content in paragraph five for your study in classics?

Arcticlynx
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby Arcticlynx » Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:59 pm

I think it is a really good personal statement. I find the content quite interesting, and the structure is similar to what I am trying to pull off in my personal statement and I think you do it very well.

Your greatest asset is the development of concepts that are used to express your personality and frankly give reasons that you will be successful in law school; because you can synthesize complex ideas. It’s not the boring/rhythmic “I did this, then I did that” kind of structure that I think too many personal statements use.

As for comments… The statement is great, and stands on its own. I’m not sure that you need to advocate for yourself in the conclusion (especially if you have good letters of recommendation). The content of your statement shows that you are thoughtful person, I don’t think that you need to tell adcoms what you’ve already shown them through your writing. Also, I find the conclusion to be disjoined from the rest of the statement because you do change from a conceptual structure to a more persuasive style, and I think you might be better off by drawing a more congruent ending, one that uses or builds on the concepts you have so carefully constructed in greater detail rather than just referencing them. You have the concepts of emotional/intellectual balance and of the synthesis of different voices/themes/tones into one concrete argument/song, is there a way that you can draw these two concepts together?

The only other comment I have is if you are looking to cut words, I think that there is some unnecessary commentary in a couple of your paragraphs. For example is would cut “who is still my favorite composer” out of the fourth paragraph. It’s an interesting detail, but it doesn’t necessarily add to the argument that you are trying to make.

I'm going to disagree with yukishirotomoe, while it might be possible to simplify your description of Bach slightly (and I would do this if it increases the flow/clarity of your writing), I think that you use it to effectively develop a great idea, and I wouldn't cut anything that adds to that concepts I referenced above.

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ZipWhenSheMoves
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby ZipWhenSheMoves » Tue Nov 19, 2013 11:58 am

Just a small note- make the first sentence "stabbed impatiently" not "took impatient stabs. "

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lastsamurai
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby lastsamurai » Tue Nov 19, 2013 1:26 pm

I think it's excellent - probably could use minor edits as mentioned above, but even if you didn't, I think it's ready to go.

Nice work!

jac101689
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby jac101689 » Tue Nov 19, 2013 1:52 pm

Not that this adds much to the discussion, but I'd sincerely say this is the best PS I've seen on here.

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rigoding
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby rigoding » Tue Nov 19, 2013 2:38 pm

Thanks, guys. It took over a month of harsh editing to get my PS to this point. If any of you want your PS read over, PM me yours and I'll take a look at it.

socraticmethod
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Re: If you leave notes on my PS, I will critique yours.

Postby socraticmethod » Tue Nov 19, 2013 5:13 pm

Specifics:
1. Paragraph 2 beginning; Your statement "everything about violin is balance. Yes, physical balance is necessary" seems to imply as though it was a longstanding unwarranted assumption that you're overturning. However, when the reader looks at the first line "Everything is about balance, they might be thinking about physical, mental or emotional balance. Just saying.
2. Paragraph 5: "Bach first introduced me to this kind of analysis" - while I do understand that it implies the weaving together of different elements, you may want to use a metaphor here; I think a good bet would be 'murmuration'
3. Paragraph 6: "I refuse to be a mind without a conscience and will approach my studies with passion and self-awareness" ; I think the connection between how you're a good integrationist with balance and an ethical approach to your studies is a little weak. The description of your persona within the context of your musical virtues is an exercise in pure intellectual capacity with little consideration to ethics or character (unless one naturally associates musicians with ethos).

Bigger picture:
I think it is a very well written piece. I think this is the kind of an essay that derives it's strength from exclusion, from what you've chosen not to speak about than from what you have. However, I have a couple of quick comments:
Your voice generally describes how you've experienced the process of learning from the violin as opposed to how you've grown through the process of learning from the violin. For example, in the fifth paragraph you state that "I wanted to learn how great writers not only created each wonderful idea..."
Since the adcomm is evaluating whether you've demonstrated intellectual excellence (which I'm sure you have), you might want to change the tenor of your essay to reflect a more transformative growth process. As it stands, it is more of a description of the various ways in which learning the violin fascinated you and what you realized from the learning. However, the third leg, i.e. what your realization led you to is missing.
You could also talk about how your rational self conflicts with your passionate self through the process of playing the violin and how you hope to transfer the same approach towards the study of law. I think that is a far more cogent justification for making you a compelling candidate than a combination of virtues put together. The reason I say this is that your essay describes horizontal experiences and does not follow a chronological growth pattern, which better suited to the 'all of these things together make me a compelling candidate'.




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